Are men really cut out for domesticity?

[OrmIrian]

I just ask the question because with reference to my DH I don?t think they are. I?ve been thinking about why he is such a miserable sod recently and I think it?s quite simply the whole domestic/family thing. It seems to turn him into a total misery. Being at home in the bosom of his family just winds him up When we first started living together he used to quite enjoy the domesticity bit ? but it was so easy then, almost playing at it - just the two of us in a tiny little house. When our first baby was born ? ditto. But I think recently it?s all got too much. He?s only really happy when it?s just the 2 of us, or just him and one other child?.or best of all him on his own with his friends. And it isn?t just him - so many of the men I know of our age or older, with children, only ever speak of their children as if they are a pita and they can?t wait to be shot of them. You see I?d be quite happy if he wasn?t around all the time ? same town preferably so that he could see the children ? but not under the same roof. He loves them in theory ? he complained that he didn?t see DS#2 at all last week ?cos DS was ill and asleep when DH came home and went to work ? he got quite upset about it and then as soon as he did spend time with him he got cross! He?s make a perfect part-time dad ? good at the fun stuff and none of the domestic drudgery ? and the rest of the time the rest of us would be living without the thundercloud hanging round us. I could cope with that I?m sure. And if we did split up I would never ever ever ever live with another man again. Who needs the grief?

Does anyone else think that they?d be better off with a man around all the time? They?d have their place in my life but in my bed not in my family. Or alternatively anyone know a seriously wealthy man who is in need of a middle-aged woman with 3 kids, who works away at least 6 months of the year?

you've missed the boat love
YOu should have been a Naval Capatain's wife in the 18th C
they were gone for bloody years at a stretch

Or you could find an habitual criminal and encourage them to shoplift every six months and see what happens

Yup.

dh currently working away for parts of the week. I don't think it will do us any good as a couple, and reentry each time is always going to be hard for all of us i think, but by gum it makes life easier sometimes.

my dad too. he loved my mum to distraction, and us too i think, but domesticity was really so not him.

i think about those communities for retired soldiers or semi-monastic places, the men who go there seem to absolutely love them.

i assume there are men who actively like domestic chaos but i don't consciously know any, except those i suppose who DO stick around and take it.

has to be said I don't particularly like domestic chaos either, nor am i a brilliant mum, but i rub along comfortably enough IYSWIM.

Ah no sunny I want a seriously wealthy chap so unless they were shoplifting in a bank it wouldn't be good enough. How much did naval captains earn? How about someone on an oil rig - does that bring in the spondulics?

now you're talking, oil riggers, but isn't that two weeks off one week on. You could arrange to be elsewhere on that odd week

My friend is married to a well known record producer and he's often away in the States for two or three months at a time and he's wealthy. Gets under her feet somewhat the first week back though.

I could cope with that I think. 2 weeks of freedom would be OK .

well, mine's working away at the moment - 3 to 4 weeks away and about 10 days home. Look likely to stay like this for the rest of the year. Don't have the oodles of cash yet but you never know!! Want to swap?

I am sometimes quite happy when the weekend is over.

DH is a fab husband and father, but not keen on the repetitive nature of it all. He will in theory do his share of the domestic tasks but finds it hard to notice full washing baskets, dishwashers and kitchen bins, or will "DO" clothes washing which is the strenuous job of carrying it down stairs, sticking it in machine then never seeing it again.

This weekend we have hardly spent any time together as a family and tbh unless we are out doing activities its probably easier that way as we end up getting under each others feet when we do.

i like the arrangement i have, got rid of my h and some months later strike up a relationship with a man somewhat younger who comes and visits at weekends, plays with my kids, takes me out ,and cleans my house

works for me

Now that sounds more like it lou! Can you tell me where you got him from please ?

i bought him in a shop, special offer

Well my hubby was brilliant this weekend.
In fact he is better at the household chores than me .
He did 2 loads of washing
Did the dishwasher all weekend
washed the kitchen floor
hoovered
cleaned the bathrooms
cooked dinner on saturday night
made a fab chocoate cake with ds and dd on Sunday.

So feel very lucky.

Interesting. One of the reasons I like my situation is that DS dad and I don't live together but he is a great babysitter and we don;t have any "issues" because we were longterm drinking buddies bfore I got addicendtally pregnant.
As to domesticity in general, my house is a bit cleaner and tidier since becoming a mum, but that's because I previously had the Quentin Crisp approach to housework - the mess doesn't get much worse after a couple of years. Now I actually do a bit of housework about once a month or so...
But I wouldn't want to live with an adult male in the house. I'm deeply unmonogamous, quite solitary and like being able to do what I want once DS has gone to bed. Have never undesrtood why so many people would put up with any amount of crap just so they can say they Have A Partner.

hehehe. My dh and I have been together for 7 yrs. For the last 6, due to work we have been separated for 6 mths of every year. We have been married 3 yrs. This Xmas was the end of the first 'full' year we have spent together, and the second year as parents - and it's been worse than all the separations!

Before we were married I hated it every time one of us went away. Would cry for like 3 months, then get used to it, then we'd be back together. I used to write twice a week, and NEVER be without my phone.

Then we got married, I got pg on honeymoon - two months later dh went away again and only came back a week before I was induced (horrible scary pregnancy - pre eclampsia, in hosp for last 3 mths and induced 6 wks early).

In the first year of dd's life we argued daily - always about the same stuff (him not helping out mainly) and the second year it's all about how he doesn't have a life any more........ poor sod.

I wouldn't care if he left for good tomorrow - I love him and would miss him, but what exactly do I get out of this except for more cooking and cleaning!!!! (it's not like I even enjoy the sex any more!)

Ahh, oh well, at least with him around I save £700 a month in childcare!

I think that many men cannot get used to the nest. They can creat it - but dont know how to live in it/want to upkeep it. Garage men. They do it for us but then do not know what to do after. The candle is only lit for the first night. Maybe some women too dont want the man around once the nest has ben built. We have so many basic instincts going on still that we cannot explain. Need, greed, honesty, space ... who knows? How many people would live apart given the financial ability? Two houses? Near - but not too near? ...

I wouldn't put too much faith in 'instincts' because that's usually an argument being used to justify in some way or otehr the concept that women are domestic animals rather than people. And it's rubbish.
This whole 'domesticity' thing is far too recent for there to be any kind of evolutionary or instinctual bias towards it. Up until a few hundres years ago, families worked together (ploughing the fields, baking the village bread, shoeing the horses, whatever). This division between going away from where you live to work for an employer, and staying home scrubbing the kitchen floor is only post-industrial revolution. And the completely barmy idealisation of the happy housewife dates from the 1950s and was a reaction against the war years - not a deep inbred human instinct at all. And while the happy-housewife thing might have been nice enough for men the reason it got abandoned and there was and has been this huge ongoing social upheaval is that compulsory domesticity is absolute shit for women. Remember, the more it's said you have to re-educate, bully, brainwash and drug someone to do something that you're telling them is natural, the less natural it actually is.

This is not (she sighs wearily) to say that those people who genuinely enjoy housey life, lots of cooking cleaning and knitting, are wrong, or bad or stupid - people should do whatever suits them best. But there's no moral difference in liking/not liking domesticity itself.

nah - of course we arent. just scrape the crap off the kids before kicking them out on a morning.

Ah singledad - you do that as well!