If your bf previously had really attractive partners..**title edited by MNHQ**

[Getit]

Does it bother you?

Sounds like you are insecure, yes. Go easy on yourself: plenty of people are.

Do you mean to say that you are "too insecure" for this relationship? That sounds like you putting yourself down. You don't need to do that - that's just beating yourself up even more.

Unless your insecurities mean you start behaving badly towards him or his ex or something, you are not "too" insecure. You are just an insecure person who needs to work on the fact that you are just fine as you are, and that your bf thinks you are too.

oh just noticed that the title says ex when it should read bf.

pocketsaviour for every man who displays the stereotype i listed I suspect there is equally as many women who display these...

"self obsessed, attention seeking, manipulative"

I just have a low opinion of shallow people that's all..nothing to do with what sex they are.

The girl my DP was seeing before me was STUNNING. Beautiful, petite, blonde hair, big brown eyes. She had a figure I would kill for, and was about 8 years younger than me. I'm a short, dumpy, brown haired, pale vampire woman.

She was also a massive douchebag. She made him pay for everything, she cheated (and got an STI), when asked if he was her bf she replied "he doesn't earn enough to be my boyfriend".

I did feel insecure about her looking at the pictures. But he told me about her behaviour and it made her ugly. I try not to compare anymore. As everyone has said, she is an ex for a reason.

I dumped someone in part because he told me his exes were beautiful. And I'm not.

I turned someone else down in part because his ex was really pretty, blonde, slim, really sweet. And I'm not.

I don't want to be with someone who likes me in spite of my looks because I have a nice personality. Largely because when something better comes along, they're off.

It's so much simpler/easier being single.

Violet, I had an ex like that. Told me how some tart thought I wasn't good looking enough for him. Told him to eff off with her then

I get this a lot. My dp is no oil painting, he's short and isn't particularly toned but he has always had beautiful girlfriends who are much younger than him.
I saw his ex when I was with dm a few weeks ago and she said "I thought he was punching above his weight a bit with you, but" I stopped her there before she put her foot in it any more, but it did knock me a bit and with having 2 babies in 2 years it's knocked my self esteem a lot.

But Getit he picked you!

Not her.

Depends whether attractive is how you describe them or your dp describes the exes. Ben exaggerate if they comment on it at all. I've had two boyfriends who were all 'oh yah my ex was so stunning' except one looked like fat barbie and the other one was really quite horsy.
Current dp hasn't really touched on it but his ex is really striking. Nasty cow though
One of them things you have to learn to not dwell on. Exh is a buff body builder type but the thought of him touching me makes me urge. Attraction is more than looks

I don't give a shiny shite about my DH ex girlfriends, I even met one when she came back to the UK as she is Canadian and they all met up as old University friends.

ThisIsDedicatedToTheOneILove- that is exactly what concerns me. My bf clearly has an eye for beautiful women and I worry that I was all he could find at the time and he will eventually leave..

How long have you been together, Getit?

I had an ex who'd had quite a number of previous girlfriends and I became really jealous and kept obsessing about them. Ridiculous, I know. Anyway, we split up, and once I met dh I never had those jealous feelings again really. I'm v nosy, so I had to ask him about his exes, but somehow I never let it bother me.

I think it boils down to the fact that dh has always been really complimentary, always told me how he feels etc and that has helped me feel really secure. When I look back, my ex was crap about talking about feelings and so somehow he never made me feel loved in the same way, which just heightened my insecurities.

Nearly 2 years.
I think I'm the problem if I'm honest.
My self esteem is not going to improve.

OP it would be worse if you were all a carbon copy of each other though.

My exDHs partner is my doppelgänger. It's so fucking weird. Like he just swapped us out for each other. Wouldn't it be worse if you saw a picture of his ex and she was your spitting image?!

It's sad you think like that

There's lots you can do to help your self-esteem improve.
Do you feel secure in your relationship? I mean, are you mainly being overly critical and comparing yourself to his exes?
What does your dp say? Has he ever caused you to doubt whether he wants to be with you?

My self esteem won't impove its certified. I can't say more.
I have been lied to and cheated on so I'm distrustful. Every woman is a threat to me.
I do love my bf so much but I'm struggling to not screw things up. He hasn't done anything wrong.

Getit, I was just like you when I first met DP. I was looking on his Facebook (he had added Me) and saw him in photos with his ex. I sent him a message saying "is the blonde lady your ex? She's stunning, what the hell are you doing with me?!" His reply, "the ex is not a factor, you are beautiful" and he has reiterated this every day for the last 4 years!

She is a proper Barbie, all fake boobs and hair extensions. I'm now 2 stone heavier than when we met, (so at least I have big boobs now and they're all soft and natural, unlike the ex's 'hard coconuts' that had become encapsulated ) short dark hair, and I'm 8 years older than her.

However, he will sit and look at me in awe and tell me how beautiful my eyes are or that I have a kind face and that I'm fundamentally just a lovely person. Something it is clear that his ex was not.

Under all the make up and the gym bunny-ing, she was fundamentally plain and very selfish. I now have no doubt why he is with me. In the early days he tried to make me feel better about it by telling me x would have him back in a heartbeat but he wasn't interested. This actually made me more wary of her at the time, but now I see it as the ultimate compliment, as he could have put his family back together and had the trophy girlfriend. Instead he chose me.

I am not slim, tall, blonde or traditionally the sort of girlfriend who will turn heads when he's out with me, but luckily he cares more about what we have together than about what other people might think of his choice of partner.

About 6 months after we met my DP saw me using my eyelash curler. Cue the following conversation.

DP "What the hell is that?"

Me "an eyelash curler"

DP "My ex was a model and had drawers full of make up stuff and I have never seen one of those".

Me. "What sort of model?"

DP. "Lingerie"

I'm short, pudgy, and at the time was naked apart from a pair of greying knickers" Meh.

I think it's understandable that it's hard to trust if you've been badly treated in the past.

You just have to keep reminding yourself that he picked you and that you're the one he wants to be with.

Agree with others, it doesn't matter if his exes were attractive. It's about if he goes on about them, compares you, if he compliments you or not, if he makes you feel secure by his behaviour etc.
I said earlier my DP had a stunning girlfriend who looked a bit like Lucy Liu! When I first saw her I was a bit "Oh my god" but he mentioned her once in 8 years, doesn't have her on fb, tells me I'm beautiful all the time so it really doesn't matter. I went out with a very handsome man who was very nice and no way would I go back! I'm with DP because he's right for me and I find him gorgeous.

The problem with threads like these is that people always say "but he chose you!" And "she's an ex for a reason!"

In my case she was an ex for the simple, sole reason that she broke up with him. And broke his heart. As a result he didn't "choose" me, he was just with me, but made a very poor job of pretending he wasn't wishing I was her.

Amazingly enough we are still together and made it through very happily, but however (sometimes cloyingly) in love with me he is now, these things leave very deep scars.

Not to say this is the OP's experience, just to add another perspective.

I agree wholeheartedly with PPs that the point is the partner's treatment of you: I've had other partners who had stunning exes but were so clearly besotted with me that it never bothered me. It bothered me with DP because I was being quite explicitly compared, unfavourably, to the ex. If that isn't happening (and for GOD'S sake if he doesn't even have a good word to say about her!) then you are being unreasonable, however understandable the emotion is.

Well I lived what you describe Quim, DP was not yet over her when we got together. Even years later people comment on how beautiful she was.

Meh. I'm v grateful he dated his ex, she taught him to be a better DP. I am me and I can't change myself. I don't care much about looks. When I love someone he is the most beautiful person. As long I know and feel that he loves me DP's ex could be Aphrodite herself for all I care.

As for getting over her, it was tough, but we talked about it together. I know it took me time to get over some rough breakups so I could haldy blame DP, it does not mean he loved me less.

OP, it's shite feeling insecure. What helped me trust DP was seeing all the little things he did for me and him being there when I needed it. Are there things your DP does that show you he can trust him?

What Quim says is very true. People do always say, "but he chose you". It's not always as simple as that, though.

The ex bf I had told me that his girlfriends were beautiful. He did tell me that I was 'beautiful' but it was very different; he meant 'as a person' and not 'to look at'. I also knew that the other women he'd dated previously were the sort of women who attracted a lot of attention, where as I generally attract none, and he felt very insecure with them as many of them had cheated on him or he worried they could do. It was quite clear, from things he said, that he liked beautiful women, but felt more secure with me because I was "not the sort of woman" who would cheat on him. (I think he meant because I wouldn't have the chance).

The other man, I'm very good friends with now and he asked me out a couple of years ago. They only split up because she wanted children and he didn't. They're still good friends. He acknowledges that his ex was very pretty and that she has a nice figure. But he says that it's the 'complete package' that counts and that your body is just the vehicle that 'you' are in. He never compares me with her, compliments me and has told me that I tick the boxes on his list. But I would never consider him. Largely because I know that I would always compare myself to his ex and fall hugely short. That killed any feelings I might/could have had for him. So when people ask why we're not together because we clearly have a connection, I just say I'm not attracted to him in that way. And I'm not, but that's why.

It is crap feeling insecure. I'm not as bad as I was, but I'm also single now and, as much as I don't want to be single forever, I can't really see that I would ever get past this and I don't want to inflict my insecurities onto another person who has done nothing to deserve it other than have previously had relationships with beautiful women before they even knew I existed.

MarkRuffalo for someone who is not insecure about your partner's ex, you sure have put a lot of thought and effort into delineating why you're better than her...

I find all the women-hating-women (for the 'crime' of going out with someone before you met them!) in this thread depressing.

Oh, and the people saying that 'all' his exes were bitches? That's how he'll talk about you to the next one. If someone says all their exes were awful then they're the common denominator...