Life after a break up - is it better?

[StopYouMother]

I have finally decided to leave my partner of 12 years. We have a DS who is 6.

Partner could be a lot worse I suppose but he is lazy, unsupportive of anything I do, and swears and calls me names in front of DS. This is making me a horrible person and I've become constantly angry/sad and end up snapping at DS who is an angel most of the time and I would never normally raise my voice at him.

I can't leave yet due to childcare practicalities but hope to do so in the next couple of months. I don't want to tell partner that I'm leaving him until I can leave straight away.

The longer it goes on the more pressure I feel knowing that I am breaking up my family. I know partner loves me, he's just an arse and to be fair he had an awful childhood.

I am leaving for my son's sake, I don't want him to grow up thinking a controlling verbally abusive relationship is OK. But what if the alternative is worse for him? Not seeing Daddy as much (they adore each other), being carted around between both parents (we are in the NHS - random shift patterns!), and coming from a broken home.

I just wish I could look into the future and see if I am making the right decision.

Sounds like absolutely the right decision.

You are breaking up a toxic family. And rightly so. Don't let your kid soak up any more of that crap than you have to. And don't let yourself fritter away your one short life putting up with it, either. For what? Some idea of the nuclear family? Bollocks.

Live your life and be happy. Make the change you need.

Yes it is better.
Keep strong & know that you & DS will have a brighter & happier future, just as you deserve.
x

There is no sugar coating it - unless you are very very lucky and it is amicable and remains ever thus, it is difficult and a bit crap splitting up when you have a child. It's hard when one of the other or both of you have another relationship, it's hard when you child comes home upset, unsettled, or even really happy as you start wondering if the other parent is giving your child a better experience than you are....it's very very hard. But it's always the right decision when the alternative is throwing your whole life away living a lie for the sake of keeping a 'home' together. Your child's happiness is important but so is yours (and your partners). We do not give up the right to happiness when we are adults or indeed parents - that's my belief.

It's really hard at first, but trust me it gets so much better. I'm 6 months post break up (together 6 years) and I feel like I'm me again.

As holdontoyourbutts says it is hard...bloody hard at times. I spent 18 years with my ex and slowly had the life drained out of me...if she hadn't cheated I would never have left her. She's done me a favour In that I as holdontoyourbutts says I "feel like me again" and more importantly I like who I am.

Before I was grumpy and snappy and couldn't understand why, now I realise it was the frustration of the relationship and the way my ex was controlling and manipulative.

My relationship with my kids is better than it's ever been, I'm less irritable with them, and have never laughed so much with my kids as I do now, I feel important to them as they do to me.

I do have days when I miss what we had, the family holidays, family get together soon etc...but when I look back on the negative past, the present is so much better and hope the future is even better still.

Hope it all works out for you.

He has a strange way of showing his love to you. Your son will think abusing women is acceptable if you put up with it.

Have you ever told him the things you aren't happy with in the relationship?

Has he been given a chance to make amends?

If you have... then you are doing the right thing.

I am nearly 60 and in all my long life I have NEVER heard anyone say they regret leaving a bad marriage.

One thing you COULD do is to leave, then if he begs you back tell him your terms:

No more name calling
No more abuse
Be supportive and a kind, good husband

If he agrees you could go back on a trial basis (half a week, maintaining your new place?) but you must tell him that, if he transgresses, you will leave for good and file for divorce.

Have you thought of doing that?

It's better to be from a broken home than in one.