How do you handle being mediator between your partner and child

[StrumpersPlunkett]

Dh and ds are locking horns again.
I can feel both of their hurt and anger so acutely
I can't fix it.
It makes my heart ache.

I think you should pop over to the teenage board to get some perspective.

12! And locking horns about homework??
Good luck with the teenage years.
Your DH needs to learn to pick his battles.

Is your husband paying for your son's education? Is that why he sees it as an opportunity?

I think parents have to have a very short memory. A row over something minor two days ago should have been blocked out by now.

I think there's a significant difference, too, between swearing about something, and swearing at your parents (or anyone.)

If it's case of "Oh my god, I hate homework, it's shit" then I would not be too upset.
However "Fuck you, I'm not doing it" is unacceptable, and I would expect an apology.

But that apology has to be made at the time, i.e. immediately after actually doing the work! It's pointless sitting waiting for an apology now.

Have to say I got lucky with my DS, who had terrible anger problems in his late teens (long and complex background.) Although he would shout and stomp and swear, he never crossed the line of shouting or swearing at me. And he would go and cool off, and come back later and apologise for losing his temper. I think the fact that I never asked him for an apology meant that it was much more easily given, and given freely and genuinely.

Thanks all
Didn't realise there was a teenage board.
Dh is a natural high achiever. Apparently loved his homework.
Ds is clever but doesn't care very much.
Dh not a nob about almost everything. He is just finding being a dad hard at times.

Don't get in the middle. Let them develop conflict resolution skills of their own and develop their own relationship . And in particular your DH is behind age appropriate skill level on the conflict resolution skills

I agree with previous posters that your DH is going to have to back off if you don't want your home life to become a battle ground over the next few years.

You're on a hiding to nothing if you expect your D.SC. to see homework as an opportunity or be grateful that he has parents who give a shit. He's 12 fgs

DS 1 (15) is smart but lazy and eventually I completely backed off re homework and left him to it, he knuckles down now when he has to as there are repurcussions at school if he doesn't and that carries far greater weight than me cracking the whip at home.

another reason to be glad ex left and I don't have locking horns to deal with

If a mediator is ever necessary, make it a professional counsellor.

Parenting is hard, of course it is. Your husband will make it easier by not making everything about him. The homework is done as requested. Dragging it out for days because his son hasn't sufficiently grovelled to him over it makes it about him.

This is easily solved. Tell your dh to stop being such a twat and to grow up.

So many homes where everything has to be all about Dad.....

^This

He is just finding being a dad hard at times.

Sounds more like what is actually going on is he finds someone who does not do exactly as he wants hard, which is a different thing entirely