Not sure where to post this

[Mhamai]

It was a toss up between here, depressed thread or chat, basically my dd's dad hung himself on Friday, the removal mass is at 5.00 5.30 pm this eve, still not sure as waiting for details from his two brothers' that have been in touch. My dd is now 20 and Sarah's dad's widow as she now is, is and was always aware of Sarah's existance. Stephen dated me for six months b ut had been dating his now widow beforehand, Sarah aznd Stephen only made contact for the first time eight months ago, my biggest fear is that I'm feeling that some members of his family will be hostile or angry or whatever and I( can understand that they may need too but I'm so scared I know I need t6o be strong for my daughter and so hel me God I won't react and will stay strong for my daughter but I am dreading later, not my grief or my daughter's but the reac tion to us being there. Sorry I am probably rambling.

Such sad circumstances. How tragic that your DD has lost her father so soon after meeting him.

I have no idea what to say about the mass. Not sure why you think they will be hostile, but I'm guessing that the birth of your DD caused problems with his on/off relationship with his now widow (sorry if I've got that wrong - didn't get much sleep last night).

Wishing your DD lots of strength to get through today and hoping that she can say goodbye to her dad without feeling unwelcome or awkward.

Thanks Newmoon, well despite having periodic contact with other members of his family over the years, he swore he was told nothing and so sadly right now we are very much in the dark, two of his brothers have been in touch briefly in the past few days, his wife though seemingly had referred to my dd as that one! a few weeks ago. I suose I'm just so scared of the next day or two. In itially after them meeting up, her father withdrew initially, said at the time he had health isuues but God only knows what was going on, then my daughter wanted some space, which I rationally thought was acceptable, I felt like a juggler, trying to support but not barge in if that makes sense but obviously no one could have seen this coming, I'm sure we are to a certain extgent an easy target for them to offload their grief but I'm so scared of the prospest of them having a go, which hoefully they won 't but this isn't exxactly normal circumstances iykwim.

How does your dd feel? Does she want to attend the mass?

I really don't think that funerals and such events are the place to take out one's feelings against other attendees, but perhaps the widow doesn't feel that way.

How is your dd coping with her dad's death?

Hi Freckle, tbh my daughter's main feeling is that she want's to be there, as to how his widow feels we don't have a clue! but as my daughter in her wisdom stated, it would not surprise her ifr his widow feels a need to vent etc, look
I don't know is the hoinest answer and this may be the most politically incorrect thing to say but it feels like de ja vue, outsiders in life, outsiders in death, like we atre almost the dirty secrets' coming in to grieve at the back of the church, well I'm sorry, I held my dign ity for two decades but at the end of the day this is HER father and swhe has a right to griev e him, but you see I'm getting away from the oint now, because the oint is we just want to go and grieve but suspect we are going to be a vessel for other's blame

Could you speak to his brothers? Are they welcoming towards you?

Would they be prepared to speak to the widow to point out that, despite her personal feelings, this was your dd's father and she has a right to attend and grieve for him (regardless of what sort of relationship she had with him during his life)?

Would a letter to the widow beforehand be appropriate? Sending your and your dd's sympathy and somehow indicating your dd's need to attend the mass.

You know freckle you could have a point there, tbh it's just been such a shock that it's hard to know what t do, no I haven't had any contact with his brothers but nor has Sarah rior to two weeks ago but we ar5e still at the mercy of waiting for his brothers to contact Sarah Jane at wsome stage today, but I take on boar5d your point about sugeestion of letter to his dw/dwidow.........So hard what to know what t do for the best, apart from being there for my dd

Ps, pls forgive dreadful typo's as keys are jammed.

Anyway off to bed now, lease think of us later x

please

How dreadful for you and your dd.

I see why your dd would want to go along, but would have thought it best to keep a low profile there, if at all possible.

Oh bugger mhamai, just seen this.

So so sorry for your DD, and you of course

xxx

Mhamai, what sad news.
Your DD is lucky to have such a supportive mother to see her through this.
Thinking of you and your DD.

How sad for your dd, and you, of course. I can see how torn you must be between going, but exposing yourself to possible hostility or keeping away, but negating this special chance to remember this man and grieve.

I don't know what to suggest but I think Freckle's idea of a letter is really good. You could consider ending it with a request for someone to contact you before the funeral (perhaps ask about arrangements?) to see if this brings forth a response that is reassuring.

Thinking of you both x