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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Awake and Angry and confused about what to do

18 replies

MrAllez · 14/01/2007 23:52

Hi, Had a horrible day today because my DP felt abandoned by me when I went to see older daughter from previous marriage. Anyone had similar or can advise me on how to make some headway?

OP posts:

Carmenere · 14/01/2007 23:55

Are you the partner of TheDecorater?

louii · 14/01/2007 23:56

Tell him to grow the hell up and get a grip.

sandcastles · 14/01/2007 23:58

He needs to grow up!

Original poster

MrAllez · 15/01/2007 00:09

Hi Carmenere, Yes I am I know that she uses this message board and I was just lying awake in bed feeling rubbish and thought I would see if anyone had any good ideas. Everything else in our relationship is going realy well and she is being such a good Mum. Trouble is that now I feel like I have let her down but I am also angry as she has such a big problem with my eldest daughter which has mainly been caused by my ex wife. I feel very stuck in the middle! I just want to enjoy my life with her and our lovely 7 month old daughter but my other daughter needs a dad too and I want to be able to enjoy my visits with her without feeling guilty.
Have you had any experience with this kind of problem?

OP posts:

Original poster

MrAllez · 15/01/2007 00:13

Hi Louii and Sancastles, wrong gender and it's not quite that straightforward as DP has made considerable effort in the past but eldest daughter hasn't wanted to play ball! Then again she is a teenager. Need to find a way to get DP and eldest daughter to clear the air, I think!?

OP posts:

NurseyJo · 15/01/2007 00:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Carmenere · 15/01/2007 00:19

I do have a bit of experience as my dp has four other children ranging from 7 to 20 as well as our dd who is 3. Basically it is tough to realise that your partner has commitments outside your immediate family
BUT this is what happens when you start a relationship with a man who has children. You shouldn't feel guilty about seeing your elder daughter and your dp knows this, she just had a bad day with the baby. As a first time mum a baby is a huge responsibility and a big shock to the system, it is very scary if you suddenly feel out of control.

It is vital that you encourage your daughter to see that your partner is a big and important part of your life and deserves respect. Also I have found that the baby has been the catalyst that has brought our very odd family together. the older ones dte on her and she hero-worships them. they couldn't either stay angry or stay away from her even if they wanted to.

Just reassure your elder daughter that she is a really important part of your life.
And reassure your dp that she is a really important part of your life.

Original poster

MrAllez · 15/01/2007 00:35

Thanks Carmenere, I have just read my DP thread and It just makes me feel so sad! Every time I try and bring subject of ED things get tense. I have talked to ED about it today and she is willing to come over but I think that it will turn into a shouting match between ED and DP and not sure if this would clear the air or make things worse!

OP posts:

Original poster

MrAllez · 15/01/2007 00:39

Hi Nursery JO, Thanks for your comments! Yes that is exactly how it seems at the moment! I do give DP notice when I will be seeing ED and thought today would be OK as her Mum was coming over.

What do you think to idea of both having it out with each other?

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/01/2007 00:39

Is there a possibility that, you are witholding slightly with regard to dealing with your older daughter for fear of her not wanting to see you, or you not being able to see her?

I dont mean not 'dealing' with her at all, but, perhaps not as sharply as perhaps is required (dont know what has been going on with your DP and her but if she was like that with another family member - how would it be dealt with?)

sandcastles · 15/01/2007 00:41

ok, so she needs to grow up!

Doesn't matter re time & effort from either side, you are entitled to see your daughter & she is entitled to see you.

Original poster

MrAllez · 15/01/2007 00:45

Hi VeniVidiVickiQV, Good point. Did refuse to see ED for a couple of weeks about 6 months ago as she wasn't being straight with me about how she felt. This did seem to do the trick for a while although it did seem to give ex wife more ammo. Want to say to ED that if she wants to see me then she needs to come and spend time with new family but just frightened that the atmosphere will be too horrible and everyone will just fall out big time! Then again it would appear that I have very little to loose! Time to make a stand methinks!!

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/01/2007 00:49

She is entitled to spend time on her own with you - of course she is. But, she does need to come to terms with the fact that you have other family too, and she needs to be respectful of that - even if she doesnt like it much.

It is important you spend time all together as a family, as well as you and her on her own. I would imagine things have been difficult for her, but, it seems that she does need to accept that the situation is as it is and isnt going to change any time soon.

Carmenere · 15/01/2007 00:49

Hold on a minute, there should defintely be no 'having it out'. Possibly a civilised chat and an effort from dp to extend a hand of friendship but your dd should not be allowed shout at your dp, she is a teen, your dp is an adult and there should be some modicum of respect. It goes without saying that your dp should not shout at your dd either.

You are the connection between these two people. Your dp really should understand that your elder daughter needs you just as her daughter needs you and she should be prepared to step aside for as long as it takes. But let me assure you doing that is really tough, I know all about it. But she does need to do it because she is the adult in the situation.

It is also imperative that your elder daughter is respectful to your dp and that she tries to make an effort to get on. It can work, after a shaky start I now get on really well with most of my many step kids

Original poster

MrAllez · 15/01/2007 00:50

Hi Sandcastles, Thanks! I think so too! I already don't see very much of her and it has taken a lot of effort from her and me to maintain our relationship when she is living with poisened ex.

Would like to think that it will work out in time but in the mean time would just wish that DP could be happy that I am trying to be a good dad! Todays events just cast a huge shadow over my visit and I feel really angry and resentful about that!!!

OP posts:

Carmenere · 15/01/2007 00:52

How about some family days out with the two grls and you and dp doing something outside the house?

Original poster

MrAllez · 15/01/2007 01:06

Hi Carmenere, Thank you for your wise words you may have helped me avoid a catastrophe! coming on here has been really useful! It has allowed me to emotionally de flood and to see that there is a way forward. I think that a day out away from the house seems like an excellent idea. The trouble really stems from the anger and resentfulness of my ex. She forbade my ED to stay over when I moved in with DP. Also she sent a page of my ED's diary that DP should never have read. I love both of my daughters and DP and myself for that matter unconditionally. Everyone getting along I can see will take time! Reassured though that you say you now get along with step kids, gives me hope and that is really important right now!

OP posts:

sandcastles · 16/01/2007 03:06

The thing is, if dp continues to put this pressure on you, it will cause a rift (if it hasn't already) in your & dp's relationship.

I didn't see my dad for years (because of my mum) it was the worse time of my life. Now I speak to my dad loads (am in Oz, he in UK) and haven't spoken to my mum for 13 years.

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