The effect of computer games on your relationship

[stomachinknots]

A recurring theme on MN Relationships seems to be women who are basically married single mums, as their husbands spend hours a day playing computer games.

Is this something you've experienced? I'm not sure I would/could put up with it, but for some it seems to have become the norm. Are todays blokes just permanent adolescents?

"To me, it's the equivalent of a man saying 'Hi! My name is Mark, I'm a grown man, and I like playing with my Power Rangers/ Star Wars/running around with light sabres or toy guns or toy trains'. "

"I have no wish to insult the MNners out there who game."

Um, right, yeah.

You are clearly projecting. The issue is how much time is spent not in the relationship. What the OH chooses to do is not the issue.

I spend a lot of my evenings out volunteering, and other evenings at the computer writing up stuff related to the volunteering. TBH I'd totally understand if my OH said he wanted to spend more time with me and asked me to cut down. The partners of some other volunteers have.

And if the time I was available was an issue for him, I'd address that. That is what makes the difference to the relationship, not the activity.

Dh has always loved gaming, even back in the days of dial-up his phone bill was horrendous and he used to stay up til 4am playing online games and miss lectures the following day. When we moved in together I hated it and I hated the way the first thing he would do every morning and the last thing every night, was pull out the laptop and tap away at Championship Manager. We had many rows over it. I hated living with someone who was only physically present half the time.

We both started playing World of Warcraft, and that was worse. You had to commit 3-hour blocks of time 3 times a week to participate in some group events, and that required preparation in the form of hours more spent gathering the materials and researching the right combination of effective moves to take down a monster, as well as separate strategies for each one. I hated the time commitment though I loved the social aspect - some of my guild members are among my closest friends now. DH was/is very competitive so put way more time in than me, and I hated it.

Things came to a head after DS was born and DH managed to reach the top of his league in Star Craft II. He could never be interrupted, or spoken to. I took to taking a book over to the pub when the baby was sleeping, because if DS woke I would ALWAYS be expected to drop what I was doing, because he "couldn't" in case his rating dropped. Even on nights where I'd asked him to take over for me - he just wouldn't hear it. Eventually he realised that he just couldn't play something that required both a time commitment and uninterrupted time free from distractions, not with a small baby and a household to run. DH needs to be competitive, and hates doing something poorly, so it's all or nothing for strategy games.

(I think that since the advent of the smartphone I've got my own back to a certain extent - I'm frequently lost in Mumsnet, Wikipedia, my kindle app or doing my online Tesco shop!)

These days we still both play, but we play single-player campaign games like Witcher, Europa Universalis, Stellaris - stuff that you can log in to for a couple of hours, and then leave for a week or two if necessary, but no ratings or other teammates to worry about. And we try to give each other time to play, and split it evenly. Dh will do bedtimes and I'll get an evening in the week, or we'll give DS some screen time while DD naps over the weekend and he'll take Sat, I'll take Sunday. We also went from having 2 PCs to one, and that's made us split things a lot fairer with computer access.

I did once hear that one of the benefits of being married to a gamer is that at least you always know where they are!

I usually get some time gaming each night once DCs are in bed and the house has been tidied. DW is not interested in the slightest, and spends evenings on the laptop.

Any hobby can cause problems if it interferes with family life or responsibilities. My DWs hobby is keeping animals, which is great but a lot of the work involved ends up falling on me. At least my hobby doesn't generate work for other people!

my DP is a gaming nerd and I too now play with him now and then. but I look after lo on my own most days all days while he plays his games. I don't mind, till lo cries and he moans that it's disturbing him, but keeps him from annoying me. he comes off or I join him when lo is known bed

It's just that they are addictive.

Similar to alcohol really. Many, many people drink alcohol socially and are fine. They can prioritise things like work, family, and other responsibilities and it doesn't cause a problem.

Many couples find that drinking alcohol together is a fun way to relax and enhances their relationship. Some people drink alone, and/or regularly, because they like the taste.

Many people find they don't enjoy alcohol and of course their life is just as rich without it.

But for a small minority of people alcohol can become addictive and create a problem with their families, work, relationships, or personal care.

It's the same thing. Games themselves aren't the problem - overuse and addiction and not prioritising is the problem. It's true that some games demand more time commitment than others.

It is pretty shit if a partner is using the excuse of games to get out of responsibility. Everyone deserves some time off but it should be equal time off.

One of my best memories is when DC1 was a few weeks old and was sleeping on my chest while I played Assassins Creed II and DW was napping. Happy days.

nucky my DP played the new black ops at 3 in the morning while our son slept on him.

Sorry I don't think you can compare gaming and cycling I just don't. One gives you actual physical life extending benefits, sociability, being outdoors in the real world the other...doesn't.

My DP spends much of his free time gaming, it's a way for him to socialize with friends that he can't see properly very often and it's just his way of relaxing after work. He works hard, provides for our household and makes time for us to go out and do other things or just stay in doing something together.

I game occasionally and we do this together sometimes too and it's a nice way for us to spend time together.

To me it's no different than someone being sat in front of the TV all evening (which I mostly do).

Of course when it begins to interfere with family life and takes precedence over family/relationships then it's problematic.

My dh games to relax. I sew or knit.

As pps have said, it's an issue only if it impacts on family life. At the weekends he will spend a couple of hours gaming chatting to friends. Then he'll look after ds so I can chill or sew.
His gaming generally is sociable- he has friends he doesn't see often in real life but they can game together.
It's better than cycling because he's in the house and will drop it if I need him!

"I see them as overgrown toddlers, with their slobby clothes that don't fit properly, and yesterday's egg down the front of their suits, and scruffy hair, and unpolished shoes, and podgy stomachs and flabby arses (because they'd rather mess about on a screen than exercise, and it's easy to stuff fatty junk food into your mouth when sat in front of the computer)"

Lol, I will tell that to my threepiece suit wearing, cycling, half marathon running, senior manager, loves gaming and always has husband. And he likes anime/manga too. The horror!!

Me and my ex used to play xbox together we both had a lovely for it!
One thing I didn't like was when he had my son (2) when I was at work he would forget to changed him and feed him! Luckily my dad lived with us and would do it for him.
One of the reasons why I'm glad he is an ex now!

kerala you can compare cycling and gaming - because the issue isn't that they are playing games. The issue is that they are 'switching off' from family life.

It wouldn't be acceptable for hobby cyclist with a partner and/or family to go out for 3-4 hours every evening with their cycling buddies, and then all day Saturday, and then for another 6 hours on Sunday. Or is it OK for the person to do that because cycling "physical life extending benefits, sociability, being outdoors in the real world"

Yes, opting out to do anything leaving the other partner without company and doing all the drudge work is crap whatever you are opting out to do.

But cannot accept that cycling and gaming are equivalent in any other context. You get no physical benefit from spending hours of your leisure time doing something sedentary.

But this conversation isn't about comparing the activities. It's about comparing the effect on the family of the activities :)

Hmm "its better than cycling". Gaming is better because "you know where they are". Perfectly valid views but ones I really really don't agree with.

But not all gamers do play for eight hours a day. What about those men who go out and play golf for 6+ hours every Sunday? Or people who train for marathons and need to run for 6/7 days out of the week? Arguably sports = good health, but sports are also bloody expensive. Unless you play games like WoW which need monthly subscriptions, video games are arguably fairly cheap when you compare them to things like cycling, golf, going to football matches every week etc.

People have a stereotype that all gamers sit and gawp at the TV all day. Some do, and that's a problem, but lots of other hobbies take people out of the house for hours a day and yet they seem to be perfectly acceptable on MN

You get no physical benefit from spending hours of your leisure time doing something sedentary.

You get no physical benefit from reading books, knitting, stargazing, doing puzzles or baking, yet most people consider these to be perfectly acceptable leisure activities.

DH and I play PS4 together every night when the kids have gone to bed and both get pissy if we don't have a good game to get into

He wasn't much of a gamer before we met but I converted him

My fiancé is a gamer and it's fine, he would play a lot of PC games, own most of Steam, go through spates of being really very invested in particular games and watches game reviews/video yokes. He doesn't let it get in the way of his job, his friendships or us. All good there.

My previous partner, however, didn't enjoy anything that wasn't World of Warcraft very much. His family were also very, very into it (they were flat out addicted and talking of nothing else. Dinner round theirs listening to people have long, long conversations about raids gave me full on panics about spending the rest of my life like that.) It was a big part of why we ended up breaking up, he just did not want to do anything else and I tried WoW myself, to give us some common ground, but just couldn't get into it like he was. I have very wtf was I thinking memories of being perfectly lovely to him leaving as he left me on my own in a restaurant to pay our bill, after a very rare evening out of the house, to go buy himself a WoW card before the shop closed so he could play that night. The waiter basically told me I was a dope.

You get no physical benefit from spending hours of your leisure time doing something sedentary.

But you get mental benefits instead.

It could easily be a recurring theme on Dadsnet relationships seems to be men who are basically married single dads, as their wives spend hours a day on MN. It could be just as much a woman prioritising her hobby over her husband because we don't hear about it doesn't mean it's not happening. Like others said any hobby/activity can cause problems if it interferes with family life or responsibilities. It's about moderation, compromise and the relationship itself.

TheNaze73 I think people that knowingly marry them & then moan are fools, if they think they're going to change them. - I think it's so much harder when the other person despises the hobby/ activity you love and you have always loved it be it gaming or anything else and they just do not get it so fail to have any compromise with you over it.

Unicow It's not computer games as such to me it's if ANY person does ANY activity so often that they isolate themselves from the family and responsibilities. All hobbies and interests are absolutely fine and healthy as long as there is moderation and compromise.
I think this is the key!

^00100001 -Computer games are a red herring.

People are "prejudiced" to gamers. They seem to think they "need to grow up" or something. But no-one would bat an eyelid at the same person having cycling as a hobby, or horse riding, or knitting. It's weird that people think it's OK to criticise gamers.^

I'm criticised all the time for gaming because some people do not understand it, my partner is totally understanding and it's something we have in common along with a few other hobbies. It doesn't affect our relationship because we can be social about these hobbies without excluding one another and compromise over the others. I stay in with the kids while he does his football once a week ect if I want to go to one of my classes he has them the other nights.

You can still continue the hobbies you had before your children came along why should either of person give up them hobbies (or Baths for that matter!) if they get pleasure from it and be it physical or mental stimulation (certain hobbies might be a lot more difficult and less often but still doable in moderation) so long as there is a compromise and it works within the relationship.

We do the DC's teas and then we blitz the house together and then uniform for the next day and then we both do something that we want to do to wind down in the evening be it playing computer games together or separately, watching a film or the TV.

Me and dh love our ps4 and still manage a couple of hours in with a 9 week old son. We rarely watch tv. I'm rather impressed with my ability to shoot aliens and rock ds moses basket with my foot (destiny anyone!)

DP loves gaming, probably does a couple of hours a day (one before work, one in the evening, more at weekends). However he doesn't do it at the expense of time with me, time with DD or jobs round the house. I honestly don't mind, at least he's at home and we can chat while we do our own thing. I don't think I'd like it if his hobby involved being out of the house doing sport or something - he can always pause the game to settle DD or make a cuppa!