Married ... celibate for the last 5 years. Wondering which way to turn.

[myusernameisboring]

Hello, Ive been spurred on my a separate thread and would appreciate some input. Im really unhappy with my situation at the moment and wonder what you might do in my situation. This might ramble a bit so I apologise.

We have been married for ten yeas. No children. Five years ago, my DH underwent surgery. This resulted in nerve damage and as a result of this, he is unable to get an erection. At the time, we were told that it could improve, and weighing this up against the risk of the problem causing the surgery, was one we were both happy to take. However, things have not improved, (so far as Im aware)

I love DH to bits. However, as the title suggests, I've had no love life whatsoever for the past five years. Very little physical contact, just the odd peck on the cheek now and again and the occasional cuddle, always instigated by me. He rarely comes to bed at the same time as me so no night time cuddles.

For some time now, he's been very negative about just about everything. Literally every word that comes out of his mouth is a complaint or negative comment, not specifically about me, it's about everything. If the news comes on I change the channel as it starts a rant. He's fallen out with the neighbour which to be fair, Im totally in agreement with him on). I seem to be constantly trying to cheer him up or jolly him out of it. He never asks about my day or how Im feeling.

He's also constantly moaning about us being poor. He has about £600k worth of investments, and currently has about £7k in his current account. He is retired and draws a substantial pension from his investments. I am currently £300 overdrawn (I earn around £1k a month and never manage to save anything). I've had an expensive month with two family birthdays and road tax and insurance falling due. I asked him to come along to a supermarket with me today to get enough food in to tide us over until I get paid next week and he went absolutely off on one, asking how I think Id manage if it wasn't for him as he "pays for everything". We spent £40 in Aldi.

We have no mortgage (house is worth circa £350k), he pays council tax and utility bills (which I regularly check on comparison sites to keep them a low as possible - he cant use a computer and has no interest in doing this) and I tax and insure the car (which is £800 a year!!) and buy all the food and do all the cooking and most of the housework.

Lately, I've been feeling very isolated. My friends and family live about 20 miles away. DH isn't particularly sociable, and we stay in, every night, for months on end. He doesn't drink. He spends most evenings in his workshop, working on his hobby whilst Im cooking or doing the house work. My best friend is getting married later this year and we're both invited to the ceremony and to the evening reception. His reaction? "Why do I have to go, she's your friend?". My other friends will be there with their husbands.

Ive started thinking about going to stay with my parents for a bit, just to clear my head and have a bit of a break. Im scared that I wont want to come back.

What would you do in this situation?

Jesus Christ do you have any fun? He sounds horrendous.

You don't have to take him to the cleaners but get a divorce solicitor and get what you deserve.

Life is too short for a joyless, mean, boring arsehole.

Thanks for the replies everyone. It seems theyre unanimous.

One other thing he regularly does is sigh dramatically and say he'll have to think about getting another job as "we're so broke" (his pension is about £2.5k a month, most of which stays in his current account after the utilities bills are paid) He's said this pretty regularly since he took early retirement from his last job, but to my knowledge hasn't actually looked for anything. I don't even bother to react now because I know they're empty words.

Its dawned on me very recently that money means more to him than I do.

Just an update. This evening we're due to go to my parents house for dinner to celebrate my birthday, which is later this coming week. He's just asked how I think we're going to get there as there's no fuel in the car.

I have about £2.50 of my overdraft left. He knows this. He has thousands in his current account. I feel like asking him what's more important to him, me or "his" money. I have no spare money for the reasons I outlined in my OP.

Some of his friends will be staying with us tomorrow evening and he's moaning that there's no jam in the bloody cupboards for breakfast for them. Then sighing dramatically and saying that if I think that's OK it'll have to do.

This isn't a normal relationship, is it?

Can you name me one thing he brings to your life.

Why are you letting yourself be walked all over OP?? He's a financially abusive nightmare.

Why are you accepting this treatment OP?

How would your parents react if you phoned and said " I'm sorry id love to come tonight but I don't have the money to put petrol in the car and DH is refusing to do so " ?

Im just wondering what they would say . Do they know how abusive he is ?

When his friends come to stay I would retire to bed with a migraine . Tell them that you are ill and DH will cook for them and entertain them .

Better still , what if one of your family had a crisis and you had to go and stay with them for a few days ?

I honestly don't know anymore, birdsdestiny. He pays the utility bills. Although I pay a similar amount on food etc and car tax/insurance.

I already cant face the moaning there's going to be in a couple of hours when it's time to go to my parents'. I feel like phoning her and telling her we cant make it because I have no money for petrol and he's too mean to buy any.

So far today I've cleaned two bathrooms, changed the beds, done loads of washing and he's lying on the couch watching a bike race. He's just asked what's for lunch. I've told him whatever he wants as I'm not hungry

Xpost Kr1stina !

Ask your mum or dad to come and collect you, pack a bag and go.

Your husband is nasty.

He's financially abusive.

He's a dick.

Head for the hills.

You can do so much better than this.

Oh, he'll be all smiles and largesse tomorrow when his friends are here. We'll probably be going out for a meal and to be fair to them, they are good company.

He's rich, and financially abusive, including quibbling over petrol to celebrate your bday ffs! - and yet you're worried about "taking him to the cleaners"!

Get some legal advice, get out, and seek whatever share of his assets your lawyer recommends is reasonable in your circumstances: bet whatever the settlement your financial circumstances and general life would improve hugely.

If you leave, he'll be bitter and paint you very badly whatever you do. That's his problem.

Your answer made me want to cry.
What can we do to help you.

Yes, tell people what he's like!

OP he is awful. This is not a relationship. Pack your bags and get a lawyer. If you feel awkward about the financials ask them to negotiate a fair settlement on your behalf so you do not have to deal with him directly. He is abusive and controlling, and he will manipulate you.

What you have contributed over the years is considerably more than your work salary. You work full time as his housekeeper and personal administrator. If you did those jobs for anyone else you would be paid a considerable amount of money. You should take that into account.

I wouldn't mind but he knows full well I'll be going to the petrol station first thing when I get paid early next week to fill up!

I'm just so scared of the prospect of potentially having to move back to my parents, trying to save for a deposit and starting over again. I'm not even sure Id be able to get a mortgage at my age and with my wage.

Myusername it is up to you. I think the loss of his potency has been catastrophic for him and he seems to have slammed the brakes on any potential progress or joy in any other area of his life. How miserable to have spent his life hating his work and sunk in depressing circumstances in order to acquire material security, only to find that the goal of 'comfort' was a mirage as he has spent no time at all learning how to be happy.

Something has to change. I think the trip to your parents is a good idea. He seems to want you to give up and be miserable in his world. Only you know if the marriage has to end for anything to change.

You will get half of the marital assets . So it's not half of everything he owns, just half of what you have both saved, earned etc over the last 10 years .

So if he had 500k in savings when you got married and he now has 600k , you might get half of the 100k which is 50k . It doesn't matter that it's in his name .

There are rules about things like the house he inherited which he has brought into the marriage because you both live in it .

So you won't walk away with nothing , but you need to get legal advice . Can you put together a file of all the relevant paperwork ? Make copies of everyhthing . That's everything you both own, seperately or jointly - savings, property , pensions , any debts ( like your overdraft ) .

A lawyer will need this to work out what you are entitled to. I think you will find that it's enough for a deposit for your own place. Perhaps even a generous deposit . I suspect you are an expert at living economically .

Of course you can get a mortgage at 45, perhaps not a 25 year one. But you may not need that .

Youre right, Annandale. That's another reason why I'm still here. I think my leaving him on his own would be another kick in the teeth for him after what he's been/going through. Although having said that, there's no reason whatsoever to not give me any satisfaction another way. He's never even tried once. In five years. I've been telling myself over the years that it doesn't matter, at least he's still here and not suffering with an awful disease. Lately I just feel neglected, isolated and low down on his list of priorities. As I've said earlier, I'm constantly trying to cheer him up, find positives where he only sees negatives. It's getting harder for me to make the effort though as I get absolutely nothing back but negativity and repeated comments on how poor "we" are when the evidence as to the real financial situation is there in black and white and totally the opposite, with six figures! I don't know of anyone else who's managed to save that much money ! I certainly don't get the chance.

I'm feeling miserable and hopeless today. He's not even asked me what I want for my birthday.

He's exceedingly mean with money. That would be main concern about him. What kind of man would even lower himself to pretty much ask for fuel money.

That would be the final straw for me. It doesn't sound like he brings you any joy and with no kids.. it would be easier to cut loose and be done.

He should be grateful he has a younger wife by his sound.. especially as he can't perform..... you'd think he'd cherish you.

The thing is you're not aiming to kick him in the teeth, you just need things to change. If he's unable to do anything to make life different, that isn't your fault. It might be that he has things he wants you to change too. It will undoubtedly be painful but less so than this hideous death in life.

Will this miserable DH of yours be just as miserable in front of your friends? Or will he be all sweetness and light?

This is a miserable, abusive, non relationship, OP.

There are so many things to live and to leave for, I can't think of one reason to stay.

The best birthday present you could give yourself is to somehow get a cab to your parents, take an overnight bag (including passport, birth certificate, marriage certificate) and remain there. Phone a few solicitors tomorrow regarding divorce. Go out with your friends instead and start enjoying your life.

Once you've taken that first step, everything else will follow.

Of course you're probably not ready to do that yet. But I hope you can start giving it sons thought.

Happy birthday for later this week.

Good god OP, that's financial abuse.
But more importantly: i don't know what you've been through, you know best, regardless, you do not deserve to be treated like that. He doesn't love you. He doesn't respect you.
Why are you there?

Why, oh why, would you stay with him?

How can you live like this when he's so horrible. My DH has many, many faults, as do I, but we have always pooled our money. Even if our finances were separate, there's absolutely no way he would treat me like that.

For God's sake, you're only 45!!! Get out of that life and start anew. You will not be penniless, go to a solicitor and talk to them.

You should also start photocopying and keeping copies of financial documents as he will try and squirrel/hide money. He obviously cares for it more than he cares for you.

Please don't continue like this, you have no children so you're the only one suffering. Many people have gone through the medical issues he has and can still find joy and meaning in their life (and don't have the financial cushion he does). Don't let him suck all the life out of you too. PLEASE

Op you have invested 16 years in this relationship. You are now with a man who maintains his wealth at your expense. You have no physical affection, no emotional support and at 45, even if you leave today, you are unlikely to have a child.
Get copies of all his investments and bank statements etc and take it to a solicitor. Make a plan and then leave and take everything you can get. This relationship has robbed you of a lot. Enough is enough. Your husband has nearly a million pounds worth of assets. You have nothing. Clean him out and find somebody you can have a wild sex life with.