to sleep with or not to sleep with ... that is the question

[mnerindisguise]

ok well basically, before i was with xdp and had ds, i had this friend .. we shall call him ... X ... and over the last 18 months we have probably slept together maybe 7 - 9 times.

anyway my best friend (also X's best friend) didn't care at first, but since about 12 months ago (after i split up with xdp) hasn't been happy about and has quite often threatened to never speak to me again when he's found out.

so ... last september was the last time and then he went abroad for 4 months, but now he's back.

hadn't been thinking about him cos last i heard he had a gf, although must admit i never could see it lasting with him going abroad - he's not the committed type to say the least.

but ... he told me the other day they split up. and we got talking on msn and ended up chatting for about 3 hours. naturally the conversation progressed to talking about sex and the past etc. and we both admitted we really wanted to, but by this time it was almost time for ds to get up so i said thanks but no thanks.

then yesterday i kept thinking about it so i text him...but he replied saying he was staying at a friends and invited me over. i declined.

now the dilemma is i really really want to, but i'm not sure about this whole casual sex thing anymore. admittedly had we not decided at 6am in the morning that we wanted to i probably would have done it on the spur of the moment. but as i have had chance to think about it i'm not sure if i should.

come on ladies (and men!) , help me out with a moral dilemma!

(PS the few of you who probably know who i am, shhh!)

don't do it you're worth more than a casual sex session. if attention is what you need go and book a pamper session. sorry but its low.good luck and whatever anyone says i guess its your decision!

if yuor both single, know where you stand and wont want anything other than waht is on offer then go for it.

why deprive yoruself of a good shag just because you don't want to wash his socks every day.

Depends how strong your feeling in yourself. If you think you can handle the downsides of casul sex, go for it. If you're feeling at all vulnerable don't do it.
But it sounds like you're fed up with it so I wouldn't do it. Might be worth telling this to X so he's clear it's nothing personal, and you never know he may surprise you and offer more than before.
Also what's the Best Friend's problem? Is it with you or X? Once you've cleared things with X, you'll be able to have a free and frank discussion with Best Friend, maybe clear some cobwebs.

BFs problem is that he thinks i am worth more than that and shouldn't let people use me. i did point out that is it using someone when both people are in effect using the other, both know where they stand, both know nothing more will come of it.

ironically when it all started out he couldn't have given 2 hoots. he first started saying it after i had told BF i had feelings for him, then a few months later he decided he might have aswell. but now BF doesn't feel anything for me and has gf so i think its basically that he cares about me, wants me to have better etc.

it varies .. cos in the beginning when it happened i never regretted it, felt bad. i think that was because i sort of did have a thing for him and in some deranged way thought he did for me. then when i realised he actually didn't give a shit about me, but i still did it cos i was feeling vulnerable, wanted to feel wanted etc then i felt shit.

but now yes, i fancy him like rotten, but i don't think the attraction goes further than that. so i am left thinking i want sex, i don't think i will regret it and i don't think i am feeling vulnerable. but who knows ...

its not that i'm fed up of it, i just don't want people to look down on me and i think that they would.

sorry ive gone on !

Anyone who "looks down on you" for having sex when you feel like having sex is someone not worth bothering about. As to your BF, that's classic dog-in-manger behaviour and shouldn't be taken seriously either.
Up to you whether you shag your studbunny or not - but you might as well. A shag is, after all, a shag.

"dog-in-manger" behaviour?

i don't do this in the slightest but i am interested to know that as you say people who look down on me for having sex when i feel like it aren't worth knowing, what about people who constantly sleep around? should they not be looked down on either. i'm just curious cos more often than not they are.

or is it that it is ok to have a casual thing with one person, but not a handful of people?

Referring to your last post I think it's shameful to look down on anyone because of their sex lives. It's no-body else's business IMO.

If you want no-strings sex then do it, if you think you might feel bad (for what ever reason) afterwards then don't. Don't worry about what other people think though. Why should other people even know?

well they needn't know, but the truth always has a way of coming out...

well at the moment i've been saying no, but the longer i say it the more tempted i will probably come. same thing happened few months ago and if it pans out in the same way then i will more than likely give in at some point! not sure if give in is the right phrase - makes it sounds as though i don't want to do it, which i do. i am just worried about the implications it could have iyswim.

mnerindisguise, are you sure you don't have stronger feelings for him? you can say it here as no one knows you.
I just wonder about the dilemma that's all. Why worry so if it's only a shag? You sound mixed up to me and I feel it'd be better to think about this again when you're head is clearer. Up to you at the end of the day though.

by the way, life's way too short to worry about small minded people who stick their nose in your business. It's your body at the end of the day not theirs.

You say X is not the committed type, maybe he's playing it cool because he thinks you're so cool? I think you should take the gamble and tell him you're looking for more than sport sex, see what he offers. Worst case scenario he gives you some space and you both give in a few months later and end up in bed again. Don't worry what other people think, it's not like it's a different bloke every week.

no .... he used to cheat on his last gf all the time. he really isn't the committed type .. yes he has gfs, but he never stays faithful. i've not known him be faithful to the last 3 he's had since i've known him anyway ... and before you jump on me, no i've never slept with him whilst he hasn't been single. the closest i got was just before he got with the middle gf and was "seeing her" but i didn't find out until after and if i'd known i wouldn't have done it.

thing is although i did have a slight thing for him last summer, which i think was more than sex for me, now i'm not quite sure what i was thinking and definitely think it was a moment of madness! i know what he's like and i don't think he's likely to change at least not at the moment. at the time i did tell him, but he said he didn't want a gf ... 4 weeks later i find out he has a gf!!

i sort of asked him why he doesn't have feelings for me in that way and he told me cos its always been the way it has between us and it would be weird if it were any different?

although, if he turned around and said to me tomorrow, nappyaddict i want things to be more serious between us, would i turn him down?hmm difficult question!probably not, but i would not get too attached and would almost expect him to cheat. in that case would there be any point?

oh poo i forgot to change my name... oh well the secrets out! come on burn me at the stake!

It sounds to me like your bf does have feelings for you and is jealous but because he's turned you down before, you are now shagging someone else and he is in a relationship he doesn't want to come out as it were.

i would have agreed with that too if it was 12 months ago. but me and the BF did sort of get together over xmas last year. it only lasted about 4 weeks and i was given the long distance and being at university excuse...

then 2 weeks later he told me he was considering getting back with ex who lives no nearer to him than i do. however in the end he didn't. got with his new gf in the march. she actually lives much further away than i do during holidays but as a friend pointed out they do spend most of the holidays at either persons house, which wasn't possible for us as the distance was the problem during term time - not holidays.

i think the real reason was to do with the influence of his friends and also the fact i was having xdps baby. he kept saying after the baby was born maybe we could start over again, but then the new gf came along. i never really expected it to work
thought tbh!

basically what i am trying to say is that bf isn't in this relationship cos he turned me down and i started sleeping with someone else cos we had the oppurtunity to be together, had he wanted to be and the situation been a bit different.

thing is ledodgy, i don't see how he can be jealous when he's in a relationship that he doesn't want to leave. fair enough if he wanted me over her, but he obviously doesn't so i'm not sure how well that theory works tbh. but then i also don't get what his problem is with it! if i was vulnerable and being used then it would show care and concern and this is the reason he gives. but when i know exactly what i am doing i don't see how that reason holds up tbh.

I just think there must be something more to it. If my best friend was doing this even if I didn't agree with it, it would not make me threaten to never speak to her again.