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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

just informed STBXH of divorce

54 replies

MrsDeathOfRats · 15/05/2016 22:06

I posted this on another thread I have but it's quite long and I'm all over the place right now

Ok, so I just handed him a letter stating I am going to divorce him. He was a bit shell shocked. And said
'I can't believe your doing this. Over a trip to France! I was gonna talk to you today and ask you and the kids to come with me'

Now I'm not stupid and I don't believe that for a second. He did a lot of telling me how I'm bullying him and I'm getting what I want etc.

He then started saying how he would happily sign it as long as it's honest (the petition that is) and by honest he means if I cite constant arguments, then that's not correct it must read constant arguments started by MrsDeathOfRats.
If I cite
Refusal to seek help with anger issues
That is incorrect and it must read refusal to seek help with anger issues as perceived by MrsDeathOfRats but not by Mr
Etc etc

Essentially he says he is faultless and blameless in this relationship and he will not sign anything to the effect saying he is otherwise.

He also interrogated me about cheating on him. Because that is the only possible reason I could want to leave him. and when I repeatedly said no (which is true. I never have) he just kept asking and assuring me that he would prefer me to be honest even if it hurts him. And then called me a coward for not admitting to it.

He then started telling me how he will pay the maintenance etc as he isn't going to let his kids eat of bins like animals (he is a tad melodramatic) but he wants to warn me that if he goes to Algeria - which is likely as now he will need to get away from England because of this - then he won't be able to pay.
And life is tough enough so if he meets a new woman and has another family then e won't be able to afford it all....

In some ways I'm so crushed that he jumped to this so so fast. But I think this is a blessing in disguise... I already know he is going to abandon his kids. I can prepare for it cos it's coming. what a cunt though

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsDeathOfRats · 17/05/2016 10:17

He is willing to Continue paying for food for the kids and a percentage of the rent bills etc. But he is not willing to pay for me between now and moving out. And as its my tenancy that means I will be late on the rent, bills and have no food. Aside from what we already have in of course.

He's just aware that this is he best way to hurt me, financially.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsDeathOfRats · 17/05/2016 13:31

He was going through my things last night looking for a ring he gave me.
It was his mums and she gave it to him to give to me cos he never got me a wedding ring.
Now he wants it back.

He is also texting me now to tell me he is 100% sure I cheated on him and he wants me to take a lie detector test. But he won't take one unless I pay for it.

This is just nuts. I get that he is lashing out cos I am hurting him and stopping his controlling hold but this is just nuts

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsDeathOfRats · 17/05/2016 13:32

He was going through my things last night looking for a ring he gave me.
It was his mums and she gave it to him to give to me cos he never got me a wedding ring.
Now he wants it back.

He is also texting me now to tell me he is 100% sure I cheated on him and he wants me to take a lie detector test. But he won't take one unless I pay for it.

This is just nuts. I get that he is lashing out cos I am hurting him and stopping his controlling hold but this is just nuts

OP posts:

JassyRadlett · 17/05/2016 13:33

Oh Rats. What awful behaviour from him.

Can you say fine, but you'll charge him as you would a lodger? If that's the way he wants to play it.

Brenna24 · 17/05/2016 13:36

Can you put a lock on your bedroom door?

Original poster

MrsDeathOfRats · 17/05/2016 13:41

He is emotionally blackmailing me.
If I take the test and I pass (which he knows I won't) then nothing... But if I refuse the test then he knows I have cheated on him.

So I replied saying that I think it is classic projection. He has cheated and now needs to prove I did aswell.
I said I would take the test on condition that when I pass (which I would cos I'm not a cheater) then he signs the divorce papers without fuss. He said no deal so I've said no.

He would simply bust the door down if I lock it. I'm going. To pack up anything of importance or value to me and remove it to my mums house. Leaving just clothes behind. That way he'll find nothing to nose through now.

It seems that despite him not being a tenant of a council property I can't evict him cos we are married. I did not know that.

Does anyone know if I cited very reasonable examples of UB in divorce papers (such like constant arguments, name calling etc) making it ambiguous and on both of us and he refused it and we went to court, would a judge award him he costs for being a dickhead about it?

OP posts:

tipsytrifle · 17/05/2016 14:04

I don't know anything about the practicalities but omg, MrsDeathOfRats, he is a nightmare and I feel for you. Yes, remove everything of any use or value that you want to keep. Even the thought of his nasty fingers scrabbling through your stuff makes me feel ill.

Might you and dc be able to eat at your mum's so you don't need to have food in house apart from maybe some emergency bread for toast? Sadly, in this case, he is indeed entitled to remain in the flat, at least for now. Do you think he will actually go? Have you had any legal advice lately regarding the best wording for divorce petition?

AcrossthePond55 · 17/05/2016 15:21

I think it's time to stop feeding the dragon. You need to start ignoring him. He can only emotionally blackmail you if you let him. Accusations of infidelity should be met with an icy stare and equally icy silence. There is nothing you can say to disabuse him of his ideas, and all the lie detector tests in the world will not change his mind. He needs to believe you are guilty, otherwise he'll have to start looking at his own behaviour. Don't play into his hands by letting him get a rise out of you about this, or anything else.

I'm assuming the info on not evicting him was obtained directly from the council by you, yes? You aren't listening to others or him about this, right? If this is true (and I'll preface by saying I'm in the US and have always had my own equal wages) then is it worth trying to keep the place or can you inform the council that you will be moving and give notice to release the tenancy? Can your mum take you and DC in, even if you have to share a room? I know I'd take my child and grandchildren in even if they had to sleep on the kitchen floor!

Stbx knows that you can't make him leave so he has nothing to lose by sticking around. If you owned the house I'd be more tempted to tell you to wait him out, but since you're renting if it were me I'd get the hell out rather than put up with his shit.

Have you called about benefits yet? Or child maintenance?

Propitia · 17/05/2016 15:32

I'd ask your questions on the legal board or see if you can get an appointment at a Citizens Advice Bureau.

redexpat · 17/05/2016 18:27

OMG. Not sure what you should do.

AnyFucker · 17/05/2016 18:31

Contact the police.

wannabestressfree · 17/05/2016 18:36

I second that. And do it now. If he is out he doesn't come back in.

ChampagneCommunist · 17/05/2016 18:36

Can he obtain Algerian passports for the children?

Would he accept a one-way plane ticket to Algeria?

Greaterthanthesumoftheparts · 17/05/2016 18:45

Is he sending you these threats by Sms by any chance? Can you cite the as UB and include the Messages as evidence (do you have to provide evidence or can you just state stuff)

scattychicken · 17/05/2016 18:55

Sounds to me you need to get out of there asap. Arab men are very arrogant and chauvinist (massive generalisation but always exceptions I guess). They also will never admit to any failings. He probably feels humiliated and that is dangerous for you. You need to make you and the kids safe and forget any ideas of him helping you out. You will be pretty much on your own now. Keep all communications as evidence of unreasonable behaviour, record him saying these things if poss. It all helps. And try getting some help from the CAB if poss. Best of luck xx

mummytime · 17/05/2016 19:14

If he breaks a door down, you call 999 - in fact dial when he starts.
If he threatens you or the children or you feel threatened then inform the police; 999 if the danger seems imminent, 101 if more like just threats.

TheSilveryPussycat · 17/05/2016 19:26

Lie dectectors dont prove anything, anyway. They merely give an indication that the person answering is in an emotionally heightened state at the time of answering the question.

Glad you are getting out.

penisbeakerlaminateflooringetc · 17/05/2016 19:28

He would have to pay £245 to disagree with the divorce. Do you think he'll do that?

If he does not formally disagree with the divorce and just don't sign the divorce papers, it is assumed he is agreeing with the divorce. So if he hasn't signed anything after 21 days of receiving the papers yiu can go ahead and apply for the decree nisi.

JonSnowsBeardClippings · 17/05/2016 19:46

You can apply for benefits as a lone parent now.

Original poster

MrsDeathOfRats · 17/05/2016 20:10

penisbeaker you said HE has to pay £245 to disagree.
I had assumed I would have to pay that fee!

That makes quite some difference then!! I will look into that as no I don't expect he will.
I half think he will just not sign or reply and then like you say after 21 days it goes through anyway.
I'm just concerned as I have very very little money and i am worried to spend the £550 for filing in the first place and have him reject it and then more costs

OP posts:

Hissy · 17/05/2016 20:14

Oh just ignore the poisonous little twat.

Lie detector test, what bollocks. That's the end of a marriage right there if your demanding a lie detector test.

It doesn't matter. You're divorcing him. He doesn't get to demand shit.

Stop letting him bully you and your dc like this.

Get some advice about what benefits you can claim now your separating, go and get housing benefit if poss, and council tax benefit.

Original poster

MrsDeathOfRats · 17/05/2016 20:21

I was quite clear with him that I would only take the test if my conditions of signing the papers when I was proved innocent was met and he said no so fuck him.

He's a lying cunt. I'm so fucking angry at him right now.

He's indicating that it will takes a long time to move out. He says he needs to find the 'right place'. He won't move into a room as apparently it won't be big enough for his stuff (not sure what he is planning to take tbh? Maybe some furniture?)

I called housing benefit today and they said as long as he lives there and we aren't 'legally separated' the they can't do anything as I don't qualify due to his income. Same for CTS.
Tax credits told me they count his income until the day he moves out. So nothing there either.

I will try income support tomorrow. Been trying n trying to get a cab appt but can't get one near me. Maybe I'll try near my mums house

OP posts:

JonSnowsBeardClippings · 17/05/2016 20:26

What plan does he have for moving out? I'm sure that tax credit adviser was wrong.

Hissy · 17/05/2016 20:28

Google the definition of legally separated, it's not what I think you assume it os

RandomMess · 17/05/2016 20:28

What tax credits have told you is incorrect.

Provided you are living separately - do not shop/cook/clean for him at all in any way shape or form you can claim as a single parent. They will argue about it with you but if you are not living as a couple financially and practically you are a single parent.

Housing Benefit I'm not so sure about tbf

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