The OW is now stepmum - how to move on

[Notnastypasty]

Back story: Almost 3 years ago I found out my stbxh was having an affair. It was such a shock I agreed to try and work things out and we went to counselling. I later found out he carried on seeing her all that time. Six months after I found out about his affair he told me he didn't love me any more and just wanted to be on his own. Of course he went to live with her straight away but I didn't find out until much later on.

About a year ago he introduced her to my DD7. At first she made an effort with her but after a while started to ignore her and DD would come home upset from visits. Fast forward a few months and he decided not everything was rosy with OW and he'd made a big mistake and wanted to come home. Because he wasn't welcomed with open arms he decided he would get that with OW a couple of months on. So they have now been back together for a few months and she is very involved in my daughters life and wants to be included in everything.

It has taken me two years to get to this point where I no longer care about him or her and don't feel so hurt about it anymore. However I still find it very painful having my DD spend so much time with them. He's a good dad to her and I know OW is making an effort now and DD likes seeing her. Of course it makes me happy that DD is well cared for and happy when she's with them but it still feels like a dagger through my heart. I think it's just knowing that these two people who have caused me so much heartache get to spend precious time with the most important thing in my life and I miss out on parts of her life because of stbxh actions.

I don't know anyone else in this situation, does it get easier?! I've often hoped they would split up and he'd meet someone else as that might be easier! I know I need to get over it and I am for the most part but then I have to drop DD off with them so they can play happy families and I come home and cry and wonder at what point does it get better

I don't have any advice as I was the child in this situation but I just wanted to say how much I feel for you. It's an utterly shit situation.

It sounds as though you're trying to approach it in your dd's best interests so just keep doing this. The easier you make it for her, the happier she'll be, and in turn the happier you will be. And hopefully time will continue to heal your own feelings.

They're a pair of total bastards though.

Op you sound amazing. It's not easy but it does get better.

Do you plan nice things for your child free time?

Time. Lots of time, I think. I was hung up on the "happy families" thing for a long time and actually, I don't think it ever was like that for them. I think that started to disappear when I allowed myself to be upset by it (rather than telling myself I "should" be over it) and then also when I started to move on properly myself.

No advice - but what an amazing, lovely and unselfish mum you do sound.

Nothing to add other than I think you're outlook & perspective is incredible

I also want to say what a wonderful mum you sound.

And what a pair of absolute cuntfucks those two sound. Clearly it's not even a love story as he bounces about from you to her (glad to hear you told him where to go).

I have been spared this situation because shortly after finding out about my husband's affair, he killed himself (long story: alcohol problems and OW was at our work and his antics had lost him his job). I often think that although things are tough and my heart breaks for the kids, I don't think my dignity would have lasted very long if he had hung around. The thought of my precious kids hanging out with him and some other woman (two people who had humiliated me in front of everyone who works for me) had made me so upset. A good friend who is in this situation said the worst part is that people who see her ex and ow (now wife) and her kids might think THEY are the family.

You're doing amazing. All you can do is be there for DD. She will work out the sort of people they are in time, without you having to do a thing.

You sound lovely op, and are doing everything you can for your dd as it is certainly in her best interests to feel welcome and loved in both homes.

If I've got the timelines right, he moved out 2.5yrs ago but didn't introduce dd to ow until a year ago? So although he's treated you terribly and is an absolute shit, he does seem to also want a good outcome for dd.

As others have said, it is very hard and will take time. In the meantime take comfort from the fact that he's with her because you wouldn't have him back so their messed up dynamic is nothing to envy at all.

None of this is your fault, but the dignified way you handle it will be noticed and remembered by everyone including your dd when she's older.

Happened to my cousin. Her ex also included OW/stepmum in everything. He still does and his now adult children basically NEVER see him without her.

Cousin just bit her tongue and rose above it. Was unfailingly polite but made it clear that they would never be 'besties' and that decisions regarding the children were to be made solely by her and her ex. If he wanted to talk things over with the stepmum on his own, that was fine, but there weren't going to be three-way conferences (where she felt ganged-up on). The only time she raised holy hell was when she and the ex tried to get the children to call her 'mummy(first initial)' rather than just her first name.

Does it get easier? Yes, according to my cousin, it does. You just reach a 'peace' about it according to her. I think it did help her when she started dating again when her DC were a bit older (tweens). She's never remarried (never wanted to) but she had a long term non-live-in partner who recently died who made her feel as if she had her own 'happy family' iyswim.