First sex after traumatic birth...help!

[NineUnlikelyTales]

Hi
I would really value some advice on this. I had my first baby, DS, 4 months ago and it was a very traumatic birth ending in episiotomy and ventouse. The episiotomy wound was the most swollen the midwives had ever seen and then it got infected. I had to wear a catheter for a week and it rubbed on my bits, making them even more sore. I was on strong painkillers for weeks. I also had nerve damage which meant that, apart from pain, I couldn't feel a lot down there until recently.

DH has been great, really supportive and hasn't pressured me for sex at all. In fact he has said that he expects it will be a long way away and that's fine. But I feel badly about how er, frustrated he must feel. And even if sex is months away, frankly the thought terrifies me. I am still very tender down there, and it's not just that - I am scared of any activity down there because all my memories are of being in mortal agony and terror.
Any thoughts on how to move forward? Also, do other people feel this way and get over it, or am I just feeling sorry for myself?

Thanks!
Nine

remember sex does not have to be penerative,
be kind to yourself and give yourself time, on a practical note when you are ready make sure your have some lube to help and that you are not worrying about contraception, also checkout with your partner a word or signal if it is too painful adn you want to stop.

and if all your memories are of being in pain and afraid (how sad ) perhaps talking to somebody about the birth etc might make you feel better.

I had just the same thought as gothicmama. You can have fun with dh without penetration. I'm thinking of visiting eachother's nether regions with hands, fingers, mouths,... you'll know when you're ready. When you're ready, you'll be relaxed and then it will be OK.

I had a horrible birth with DS1 which also ended in an episiotomy and a forceps (rather than ventouse) delivery. I was totally traumatised about the whole thing, but strangely enough it was really important to me to actually have sex again to stop me getting to the stage that all I associated with my vagina was pain! We took things very, very slowly, and although I can't in all honesty say it was good sex, it was nice to re-connect as adults and it kind of helped me to move on. If you are not ready for it and you are worried about your partner, as others have said sex doesn't have to be penetrative, but at some point it might be nice to try and have an evening together (maybe even child free if you have someone nearby you trust to have your baby for a few hours), relax together and see what happens. I'm not sure how to put this without being crude , but you really will need lots of lube! Good luck.

hello. Sometimes it can take a long time for everything to get back to normal after stitches and trauma, occasionally 6 months +, so don't panic if you still feel a bit uncomfortable, you may still be healing.

Completely second what the others say re. taking it easy and doing what feels comfortable for you, which may be leaving penetrative sex for a while and doing other fun stuff instead . You will know when you feel ready and the time is right. Use a good silicone-based lubricant, like Durex Play, that will last longer than something water based only, like KY Jelly.

It is likely you may feel a bit sore the first few times, but it is not normal for sex to be painful a long time after childbirth, so if you are still sore months down the line go and see your GP, you may need your stitches revising. Lots of people put up with painful sex and you shouldn't have to. Stitches put in after childbirth can be done tightly etc due to the swelling and trauma, and occasionally they do need re-doing at a later date. This is NOTHING like having them done in the first place, and I know others here on MN who had it done were very pleased with the result.

I really know how you feel as I had a very sore secondary tear and stitches and I cried the first time we had sex after the birth, because I couldn't believe it could still be good after everything I went through. But it was very healing.

Hi Hun, have a look here.
Keep talking about your experience, esp to your health vistor. Have a look here to see you're definitely not the only one, you're not going mad, childbirth just aint natural . In my case I found having another child my way cured me completely but I know that's just not possible for many women.
Don't have sex until you feel physically healed but as MrsBeee says, once you've done it you may find the sun comes out a bit and you don't feel so much of an island. (And FYI Germolene antiseptic cream contains a local anaesthetic .)
Good luck.

Thanks for all the replies, I appreciate it.

I see what you mean about the sex not having to be penetrative, but I am still worried. TBH even the thought of being turned on makes me feel sore down there! So I still have a way to go, I guess. Maybe I should set a small goal and see what happens from there..

I might consider talking to someone about the birth (though I did do a de-brief at the hospital, which helped). I thought I was over it now, but maybe I'm not quite there yet.

Thanks again
Nine

p.s. Bucket - having another baby to get over the birth of DS just isn't on my radar at the moment! Even poor DH said never again as soon as DS popped out!

It's still REALLY REALLY early.

It might be worth getting a referral to a gynae (if you aren't under the care of one already) who will be able to reassure you about the healing process and talk about your expectations.

And agree with the others - make sure you have lots and lots of non-penetrative sex before you even THINK about penetrative sex. But it is still really early days - lots of couples aren't having any sort of sex life for the first year at least.

NineUnlikelyTales

I too had a forceps delivery, episiotomy which became infected and didn't heal well so I can relate to how you feel.

I'll be honest, the first time we did it after the birth wasn't that great and felt a bit uncomfortable at times, but I didn't expect it to be anything more than a 'practice run', which helped. The next time was better and before I knew it things were back to normal. My son is 20 months now and I can't remember the last time I felt my scar hurt. It takes time for the body to heal, but it will. This is a bit yucky but hey - the first time I dared to 'have a look' after the delivery. I will never forget the carnage. Ittook time to heal, but its all normal now.

Just go slow, try to relax and look upon it as a practice run!

Also, we didn't do it for quite a long time and this is sooo normal. Spoke to a friend the other day was going through a similar thing and her delivery was easier.

What Morningpaper said about some couples not having any 'sort of sex life for the first year at least' and four months still be early is very true IMO.

I had an episiotomy and ventouse delivery. We didn't have sex for several months afterwards eventually I just thought I've got to do it otherwise I never will. My dp was great. we just took it very slowly. I went on top so I could control everything. I won't lie it did hurt but nothinig horrendous, and certainly not enough to make me stop! Each time we had sex ( which wasn't very frequently) it got easier and more comfortable. I had some excess scar tissue which was causing problems and I was going to have it removed in an operation but I found that when I stopped breastfeeding (after 7 1/2 months) it sorted it's self out on it's own. I'd say don't worry about your DH as it will only put pressure on you even if he isn't. Go at your own pace. You have been through a lot. Everyone's suggestions on this post have been excellent. Just remember many of us have been in a similar situation to you and we're back having sex. It will happen it just takes time and there will come a time when you'll want to do it.

agree with everyone else, have been in a similar situation after birth of DS1. I thought we woudl never do it again but we must as I conceived next baby 9 montsh later

We found me on top best too . Seems to put less pressure on teh sore bit IYSWIM .Remember if you are Bf it will affect your libido and stuff anyway, even if you had the most straightforward birth in the world, so much worst after a traumatic birth

forgot to say dont worry about your dh. he sounds very understanding anyway. men dont die of frustration and he can sort himself out if necessary

LOL Kristina, yes I don't think I would have plucked up courage to ttc again but I got pg by accident just before dd turned 1!
Also good point about going on top, you're totally in control and your dh will probably find it a real turn on if you have to keep teasing him .

OK so the good news is obviously that people do have sex again, even if it takes a while I can cope with that! I am BF so perhaps that is putting the dampners on my libido too (if so then tough on DH as I'm not stopping).

I'm also beginning to wonder if I might have some excess scar tissue or tightness issues, as I can feel a pull even if I sit with my legs too wide apart Hm, might investigate that tonight..

KristinaM I know my DH can sort himself out, and in fact is doing so on a regular basis. I'm just worried he might get repetitive strain injury

Am feeling much better, thanks again all for your kind words!

Nine

by the way, this may or may not be relevant to you but after some investigation on the internet a couple of months ago I discovered that apparently hormones produced when breastfeeding can cause vaginal dryness which leads to feeling tender & irritable. I was having this problem & when I stopped BF things returned to normal.
At the time I was quite annoyed that you don't get warned about this being a potential side effect of BF as I just thought there must be something wrong with me & was going to have the problem forever!

I know how you feel. it's been over 11 months for me, and I am still kind of sore. I had a 3rd degree tear, and a rotten time healing. Noone is sure why it's taking so long to settle. We have had some non-penetrative sex (which was very nice) but I have found that frustrating too. I understand when you say arousal also hurts, I am the same. We did try sex once recently, but it left me sore for days after. I am just going to have to wait some more. Lucky my other half is also very patient. You aren't alone, even though it often feels like it.