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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship with parents... what happened here, was this normal?

28 replies

everybitofsun · 14/05/2016 09:08

Not sure where to start. My friends have started having kids (I'm 30) and I've been thinking about parent-child relationships, and my relationship with my parents. I just want some views on the sort of things my parents did and how they behaved with me - was this normal? Is it still normal? Am I being a spoiled brat?

I really don't know the answers to these questions,. I've listed some examples of the things that hurt me a lot. Please be critical...if you think i'm being a drama queen, I want to know.

As a child:

  • little sister was a hockey player, played in major uk events. At weekends, I would go with my parents and sister and sit and watch her. All day. I was a brat, I hated it, I cried, my parents would buy me clothes and make up I guess to shut me up. I'd make a fuss waiting for my sister.
  • when i was 15, my parents took my sister to a hockey event 4 hours from home. i didn't want to go, so they left me at home for the week. when it was talked about in the future, people were told that 'i wanted to stay at home because i was so jealous of my sister.' (not the case, I was always proud of her, I just didnt like watching hockey games for 7 hours a day!!)
  • when I was 21 i had my first 'proper' boyfriend. we'd been together 2 years and my parents didn't allow him to stay at christmas. He also wasnt allowed to visit on christmas eve, and i ended up meeting him on the morotrway to exchange gifts
  • recently, in january, my sister had a birthday and we had plans to go to dinner. she was coming with her long term boyfriend. before i even mentioned it (and wasnt planning to actually), my parents said 'you cant invite ian' - the man i had been seeing for the last 6 months. i didn't even bother to question it as i hadnt planned on inviting him anyway, but on reflection, it feels strange and isolating
  • when I was younger i had OCD. i badly needed help. i would cry to my mum at my lowest point and ask her for help. on the odd occassion she'd say 'well you'll have to see someone then,' and nothing would come of it. mostly she would be dismissive and mocking, saying i was attention seeking and jealous of my sister.
  • i don't trust my parents. they open any correspondence that goes to their address that is meant for me (i have redirected it but still some bits go to them now and then)
  • until the age of 15 (when i could fight back), any disagreement would result in physical violence. and i was an awful child, i cried and shouted. my dad would pull me upstairs by my hair and my mum would be encouraging it and shouting abuse as he did it. i know i was behaving terribly, but all i needed was a cuddle and to talk and feel secure, they were always the reasons i was deeply unhappy. he's also kick me and generally drag me around
  • when i was 24 and split up with my ex, he sent a box of gifts for my birthday with a view to getting back together. my mum opened this and decided not to give it to me. i found out a month later and was furious. she's only ever apologised in an exasperated sort of way...she'd not really sorry and neevr has been. i've mentioned it since and i'm told im a drama queen and over the top. it really damaged my trust in her and even to this day she hasnt acnkowledged it. if she read this, she'd just think i was being self centered and dramatic. maybe I am. i don't even know anymore.

There's lots more, but i feel drained writing that. Candid views really appreciated... if i need to get a grip and put this in perspective, i need to know and stop dwelling on it all.

OP posts:
MusicIsMedicine · 14/05/2016 18:39

Www.narcissisticmother.com

TimeIhadaNameChange · 20/05/2016 11:25

How did the party go last weekend? I hope you survived!

I think that places within toxic families become firmly 'fixed' and when you, the child, tries to change your role other members do their best to resist. You're challengin, and changing, the status quo and they don't like it. You saying they still bully and belittle you when you try to bring up the past - you're forcing them to view things from a different angle and they don't like it, so they react.

I get this in my family, where I'm seen as the 'rock', the one who doesn't have emotions. This goes back to when I was a young child, deciding I couldn't cry the day after my father died as I felt someone had to keep control. The few times I've broken down in front of my mother in the years since she's belittled or dismissed my feelings, and the summer I spent trying to avoid a pervert she deliberately put me in a situation where I was alone with him, despite my having asked her to stay.

My sister, on the other hand, is allowed to have emotions, and expresses them freely. My mother complains about this to me, as she is scared of upsetting her, but still, she acknowledges her feelings.

The strange thing is that my mother things she's closer to me yet I tell her nothing unless I have to. Why would I? So she thinks I lead a charmed life where nothing goes wrong. I'd love to be able to turn to her for support yet I know I won't get any so don't. Of course she then gets upset I don't tell her about my life, but it's a protection thing.

I really hope you're ok and got through the weekend. I survive by being low contact with the pair of them, and laughing at the predictability of it all when they keep to their script. They still hurt me, but not so much.

Fluffyseagull · 22/05/2016 00:15

Yeah that's messed up. Sometimes I feel like I'm going through the motions with my parents until they inevitably die which is sad when I think how much I was desperate for their approval.

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