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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Newly single mother. No support.

10 replies

wordscantdescribe · 13/05/2016 23:32

As title says really. Recently split from the father of my 2dc after a decade together and whilst I seem to be doing OK, I am disappointed and sad that my close friends & family are not supportive. No "shall I take dc out to the park whilst you rest", no "how are you coping" no "if you need to talk,I'm here"
Granted, it's not always hard but a little kind word helps. My close friends have kids of their own and of course they're busy, but they don't seem bothered by my change in circumstances. Or maybe they don't know what to say.
My close friends without kids don't quite understand how different life is with kids,and keep telling me to go out (with whom to babysit exactly?!)
I just feel.. alone. I haven't told anyone about how I feel after the break up, you know- the break down of details, the venting, the upset and anger you feel after.

OP posts:

Original poster

wordscantdescribe · 13/05/2016 23:35

Maybe they're not close friends after all. Which makes the whole situation rather depressing..

OP posts:

BIWI · 13/05/2016 23:37

I'm sorry to hear that you've separated from your partner. That must be tough. But if you haven't told anyone how you feel, why would you expect them to help you out? Have you asked any of them for help? They might be mortified to know that you feel like this about them.

Original poster

wordscantdescribe · 13/05/2016 23:42

If your best friend told you she'd seperated with 2 young dc, would she need to ask for help? Would you not be there for her without question? This is how I feel anyway, is that not the norm?

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 13/05/2016 23:45

Many people are very happy to help or listen, but don't offer - nice if they did, but aren't most people quite wrapped up in their own busy busy lives? Don't be afraid to ask friends.

I do think that offers of giving you a break may not occur to people though - won't people assume you get more breaks than them, when kids are with their father? (are they? Do your friends know if they're not?)

MN is a great place when you need a rant about an XH though! Go for it!

Original poster

wordscantdescribe · 14/05/2016 00:00

You're right, perhaps I should just ask. I do find it difficult to ask others for help sometimes, and just end up doing it on my own. I guess I would like to be able to just text or call a friend when I'm feeling down/overwhelmed/ whatever but I don't have anyone to do that with. It just seems no one really cares

OP posts:

NoMarbles · 14/05/2016 00:16

Unfortunately people aren't mind readers.
Be honest with your friends. You'll soon find out who genuinely cares and who doesn't, as it is only when you're at your worst that you discover this. (ime)

I'm sorry you are feeling so alone, how young are your DC? Are there any groups you can go to with them and maybe make some new friends who do understand what it's like with DC? What about family?

You need to open up to them if you are feeling this way

MeMySonAndl · 14/05/2016 00:35

The reality is that they are not obliged to help, these are your children not theirs, so IME, the only way you can freely ask for her help is by offering help.

I have been raising my son on my own for 5 years, everybody offers to help out but very rarely those initial offers turn into spontaneous help. I don't have family around, a nanny, or anyone who I can hand my son to in order to have a rest/break. But my neighbour can look after DS in an emergency because I often give her lifts to the supermarket, my other neighbour can walk my dog but I keep an eye on her house when she is away. Another friend can take DS overnight to give me a night out, but I often take care of her child. It is all an exchange of favours of which we lone parents are not exempt.

But, when you are doing all these things for other people you feel better and eventually, all this people become your friend, and that network of support that is so much needed when raising kids single handedly.

MeMySonAndl · 14/05/2016 00:41

"If your best friend told you she'd seperated with 2 young dc, would she need to ask for help?" Yes, very few people understand the relentless work of the single parent.

"Would you not be there for her without question? " yes, but if she doesn't ask how can I know what she needs? For what is worth they may be in their houses thinking how strong and wonderful you are, raising 2 kids on her own and has never rehired any help! (It happens, then they come and tell you they really admire your strength when the thing you most desperately need is someone to give you a hug)

MeMySonAndl · 14/05/2016 00:43

Good grief... This autocorrect is misbehaving... They may be thinking that you are coping well because never "needed" to ask for help.

BIWI · 14/05/2016 12:41

You may be one of those people who seems to be supremely in control, though!

And your best friend might have a lot going on in her life too.

There's really nothing wrong in asking for help. But don't go all martyrish if people aren't offering it - don't assume that they don't care about you.

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