Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

In the process of leaving

29 replies

Toomuchinfo1 · 13/05/2016 14:12

So I've decided to leave my boyfriend, as I know things aren't right between us. we do get on well most of the time, but he has had anger and drug issues.

I've finally decided that enough is enough and I have moved some of my things to my mums house. He has made it clear that he thinks I'm being silly, and I'm pretty sure he is just going to enjoy his weekend, and thinks I'll be back in a couple of days.

I guess what I need help with at this stage is how do I stay strong and follow this through? I'm unhappy when I'm with him, but I really miss him now! It would be so easy to get in my car and just go back there (which I've done many times).

I have such an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. How long until it gets a bit easier?

OP posts:

Morasssassafras · 13/05/2016 14:15

What sort of things does he do that make you unhappy?

Eyelashinmyeye · 13/05/2016 14:19

He has a coke habit and has lied to me about it. He also smokes weeds every day.

Goingtobeawesome · 13/05/2016 14:25

Hmm

gingerbreadmanm · 13/05/2016 14:25

toomuch think about a time when you were happy and focus on that and how you can get back to it?

Try thinking about what your future would be like together, if it is not what you want then you are doing the right thing and eventually you will feel a lot happier than living a life that you dont want.

LisaMed · 13/05/2016 14:43

Eyelash - is that a name change fail?

Original poster

Toomuchinfo1 · 13/05/2016 14:51

LisaMed . . .yes, I forgot to change back.

MN took my post down a few days ago, but have since looked into my posts and understand why there may have been slight discrepancies. I never have been, and never will be a troll. I got amazing advice on this site and was so upset to be removed.

All my posts have been about my boyfriend, and with the help of the amazing people on this site, I have finally been able to start the process of leaving.

I'll probably get flamed now, as I know that my last thread caused upset. I was in tears reading everyones posts about me being a troll, as its simply not true. I understand that MNHQ have a job to do though, and they were right to look into it. I have answered their questions and they have been great.

OP posts:

Beyondheartbreak · 13/05/2016 15:48

So does he pick your clothes or not

Original poster

Toomuchinfo1 · 13/05/2016 16:02

That was all true beyond - every single thing I said was true. The reason I was able to respond so regularly was because work is extra quiet at the moment.

The discrepancies were because I changed small details in my posts. This was mainly because I was really embarrassed that I had been given so much good advice and still stayed.

OP posts:

Hydroshield · 13/05/2016 16:15

But you said you'd left already. That's not small details to change.

Original poster

Toomuchinfo1 · 13/05/2016 16:33

I didn't say I had left.

I packed a bag on Thursday morning and I have now left, but need to go back for the rest of my stuff.

OP posts:

Beyondheartbreak · 13/05/2016 16:36

You need to focus on the long list of things that are not characteristics of a good relationship. It is better to be alone and happy than mistreated, controlled and trapped. You should change your number or block him and go no contact.

Hydroshield · 13/05/2016 16:40

You said you'd left in an earlier thread, OP. It's confusing to readers !

As for your current situation, all I can add is yy to Beyond's post at 16.36.

Original poster

Toomuchinfo1 · 13/05/2016 16:42

I'm really sorry for the confusion. I have been so all over the place and just trying to grab advice and support at every twist and turn in the road.

no contact will definitely need to happen once I have the rest of my stuff.

thanks

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 13/05/2016 17:07

Well I'm very glad you got away.
No you need to keep your strength up to stay well away.
Can you get your mum on side to support you?
Will she go round and collect the rest of your stuff?
In the mean-time, block and ignore and then block and ignore again.
It's the only way.
Total cold turkey.
Please ensure you do the Freedom Programme ASAP!!!

pocketsaviour · 13/05/2016 17:12

OK, it's really good to hear you're out and feel safe.

Do you have someone who could go back to the flat with you and pick up your other things? Did you keep a key, so you could go when you think he won't be there, or will you need him to let you in?

Apart from that, if your last thread was correct I believe you don't have DC so there is no reason you can't just block him from all social media and your phone and go "cold turkey" effectively - it's the best way.

Fill your time with expanding your social circle so you're not moping about. As Hells suggested, do the Freedom Programme as soon as you can. I think someone recommended you the Why Does He Do That book on your last thread, but also take a look at A Woman In Your Own Right by Anne Dickson.

Hydroshield · 13/05/2016 17:29

Also agree about the Freedom Programme. I know it's been recommended to you previously, did you take a look then?

Original poster

Toomuchinfo1 · 13/05/2016 18:56

I will take a look now.

My mum has offered to come with me to get my stuff, & I do still have a key. Hopefully we can go this weekend & just draw a line under the practicalities. Then I just work on myself I guess. X

OP posts:

WriteforFun1 · 13/05/2016 19:01

not sure if you are the poster I am thinking of - do you have a child?

Original poster

Toomuchinfo1 · 13/05/2016 19:09

No, I dont have any children x

I have posted about my bf smashing my car up, & general ea. I left briefly that time, but wasn't strong enough to stay away.

OP posts:

WriteforFun1 · 13/05/2016 19:21

oh right

Actually I think I initially had you confused with another poster who has children and someone upthread seems to have you confused with the poster suffering with a Controlling Git.

Right, starting from scratch so to speak - hello! I don't think we've met before.

You need to do all the things that have been stated here - Freedom Programme etc. Be honest. Are you scared of being alone? Tbh if he has smashed up your car then the drugs are actually lesser problem. A violent man is a huge problem and that's proof right there.

I would say after you have got your stuff, don't engage. Block his number. Make sure you can't see his updates on social media etc. Will you be staying with your mum?

The main thing is to realise you will have a very nice life without him. he clearly doesn't bring anything but trouble and violence, yes?

Original poster

Toomuchinfo1 · 13/05/2016 19:26

I think I might be a bit scared of being alone. I realised recently that I haven't actually been single. I entered straight into this relationship after a 10 year one.

He does just bring stress & anxiety to my life. Why is it even possible to love someone that I know isn't suited to me!!

Im determined that this is it. Once and for all x

OP posts:

Hellonlegs · 13/05/2016 19:39

I think you need to convince yourself OP; I'm not feeling your resolution at all. Not a judgement really, merely an observation.

WriteforFun1 · 13/05/2016 19:43

how old are you OP?

if you went straight into this from a 10 year relationship, have you ever experienced the joy of being single and being able to do whatever the hell you like?

and do you love him - I bet you don't. That's not a criticism - it's just I notice an awful lot of people say "love" when they mean "used to" "dependent upon" or "scared to be alone".

Happiness is the most important thing. We are sold a lot of bull crap about the importance of being in a relationship - are you sure it hasn't got under your skin a bit?

Original poster

Toomuchinfo1 · 13/05/2016 19:47

I know that I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I would do if I was single. Join different groups, go out more, treat myself to new clothes etc, but as I sit here now, on my own, I just feel sad.

I need to just snap out of it & get on with my life. People go through soooo much worse.

OP posts:

WriteforFun1 · 13/05/2016 19:52

what about friends?

Flip

1 2