Horrible argument, feeling sick and miserable

[MissM]

Just need to off-load instead of ringing someone in tears and making an idiot of myself. Had a huge row with my DH tonight, and am feeling sick and shaky. If we didn't have a beautiful baby girl I feel like I would end the relationship. He has HUGE issues with his family which affect us so much that it is putting massive strain on our relationship, and he just won't deal with the issues. His way of dealing with things is not to talk about it at all and pretend that this means it'll all go away. When I bring anything up he gets all defensive and starts telling me what all my faults are. He won't talk about anything remotely emotional or personal in relation to his family, and I just feel as though I can't get through to him how BLOODY IMPORTANT it is that we communicate. I worry so much for our little girl growing up, with all this tension that exists whenever his family are in the picture. It affects me and my life so much. Right now I just feel tearful and despairing of things ever being right if he won't face them. What the hell can I do?

Relate would be a good idea.
You need to sort this stuff out for you

It may be that he'll never feel OK about talking. One option is to gently make some distance between you and them (without saying you're doing so). If they pester your home with emotional phone calls, set up an answer machine to filter them, or switch off the mobile phone so you don't read texts as they come in. You're busy, right? Best excuse is: no time to talk now, ask me later... Same goes for emails, etc. If they drag you into their personal stuff, there are ways of making it clear you do not have anything to say/do about it - just make other plans, avoid get-togethers (kids now have a swimming class that clashes with the regular visit from X, something on those lines). You're not responsible for other people's dramas. if DH feels he has to take care of someone, it's best to suggest to that person ways of getting help that doesn't burden their LOs. Easy to say, I know, so maybe Relate (you can go on your own) would help you set things up so you don't feel stressed.

suggest reading "Why men don't listen and women can't read maps". fascinating insights into why men won't talk or tackle issues.

my dh similar, he won't talk and absents himself frequently. altho he is suffering severe depression.

his psychiatrist recommended the book, altho dh hasn't read it as we haven't seen him for 3 weeks.

hth, can't type much as dd napping next to pc!

How are you trying to talk to him? My husband clams up when he feels defensive or under interrogation, which I interpret as an unwillingness to communicate but really, in my more rational moments, I know is a response to confrontation.

It's difficult to say how best to deal with the family issues without knowing a bit more about them - apologies if you've already gone through all this in another thread.

my dp can be very uncommunicative and it can be the most frustrating, lonely sensation so I sympathise - Relate helped us enormously, although I wouldn't say he's ready to host a chat show yet

At our worst, I used to write him letters - it sounds ridiculous but it got things off my chest without arguing.

What are the issues? Would it help to tell us lot?

Sorry you are having a hard time.

Mine refuses to talk too - until things have calmed down. Can you try and let it go for now and talk about it gently at a time when things are ok between you? I often find that overstating my case gets DH's back up and that if I just let it go the changes start to happen by themselves.

This may of course be simplistic and the problems may be deeper, but it may be that he knows deep down the problems his family are causing.

Without knowing what the issues are, it's hard to comment. However, it may be that DH can't do anything about these issues, so there's no point talking about it. In fact, talking about it - for him - may make it worse.

I agree with anemone - create distance (physical and emotional) from the family and get on with your own lives as much as you can.

Absenting yourself from his family as posters have suggested is a good idea. Let dh deal with them.

It's so good to read your messages. Where do I start? I am white, he is Asian. For years he didn't tell his family about me for fear of their reaction. (I should add that his family are quite racist, especially towards black people). In the end I got fed up of waiting for promises that never happened (i.e. telling them) and we went through a painful break-up. We got back together and he told them. We got married and have a beautiful baby girl. However, he has such a screwed relationship with them. They don't talk about anything (they prefer to watch crap tele), his mum shows him no love or affection and spends more of her time putting him down and rubbishing his achievements. She didn't even congratulate him when he told her I was pregnant. He has dealt with this over the years by pretending that he doesn't care, and as a result finds it very difficult to show love and express pride in others' achievements. I come from a loving, close family that argues and talks and is very affectionate and encouraging, and so I find his mum's attitude to him very hard to understand - the affect on him breaks my heart. He says it's a cultural thing but I refuse to believe that all Asian families prefer to take the piss out of one another rather than show love. Whenever we visit them it is extremely stressful for both of us as we are both aware of all the vast differences between their way of life and ours, and of all the years that he lied to them about me. If I am honest I am still resentful of that even though I try not to be. It has severely dented my self-esteem, and I know that I am not the person I wanted to be as a result. He is a wonderful father but these rows are leaving me emotionally and physically exhausted and I can't be a good mum if I am in that kind of state. You're right about communication and the ways women and men do it (and I have read that book and wish he would too!). But I am fed up of being afraid to raise things for discussion as his reaction is always one of defensiveness and anger. This morning I tried yet again to get him to read some info from my work about my job's re-location from London (I have been asking him nicely for over a week now), and he screwed it up and threw it in the bin and said he didn't care about it. It affects our future from the end of this year onwards and I feel devestated. He has now taken the baby for a walk and I just don't know what to do or say when they get back.

well, it doesn't look as though talking is going to work so maybe you could consider moveing on to action. Relate is a good place to start - he only needs to know you are going, he doesn't need to go or for you to discuss what you talk about there. You may need to make some ultimatums but they have to be things you can actually do. 'please read this stuff, if you don't i will have to xyz' then when he doesn't read them you do the xyz, whatever it is. no discussion or prevarication.

If he comes from a family where there was no communication, or the major communication was actions, they you may have to speak his 'language' for a time.

Why is this denting your self esteem? Please act soon, if you are being chewed away by the arguments you need to put a stop to it while you still have the strength.

that's a really tough situation, MissM.

When you say he always gets defensive and angry when you raise things for discussion - what sort of things do you mean? Presumably they're not topics along the lines of "what do you want for dinner" or "what shall we do this weekend" - what sort of issues are the most inflammatory?

Anything which relates to his family basically. So the latest one was because I was very bothered by something his brother-in-law said to his 7 year-old last time we were there, and I wanted to just off-load my uneasiness with him. Isn't it normal for couples to make observations or talk about the kind of parents they hope they will be together? He told me I was being judgemental, and just because they lived differently didn't mean that they were 'wrong'. I had never mentioned the words 'wrong' or 'right', just that what he said made me feel uncomfortable for that little girl and the relationship they had. He asked if I was implying that he would have that kind of relationship with our daughter. So you see he takes everything I say at a personal level without actually listenting to why I'm saying it. There's a basic gap in understanding, and I don't think it's because I'm not being clear. And then it was me asking him to read my job re-location information.

I really hurt him yesterday by saying that I wanted him to move out. I don't know where the words came from, but after he threw my job stuff back at me I was so shocked that they just seemed to come out. How can I live in a situation where he won't engage with something that affects our future so much, and with someone who is clearly so angry?

I told him last night that I wanted him to get help for his anger. I don't know how we'll find the time for Relate with having to get a regular babysitter, but we have to do something, I know that.