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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH being a total nightmare again

19 replies

lupo · 13/01/2007 22:39

Hi,

wonder if any of you can offer any advice, my dh seems to change personality at the weekends, basically he is quite an agressive stressy person and always seems to have arquments with work colleagues etc.

He is fine during the week but at weekends starts critising and nit picking on everything i do. says hurtful stuff like 'i only kiss you because i have to,' and things like 'me and ds are going to find a new mummy,' ds is 2 and half and very much daddy boy. I confronted him today, asked him why he was doing it and he replied that 'people do it to me all work, so at weekends i need to ofload and thats why i say this stuff.' i told him it was not on, he replied I am only joking and told me i need to get a sense of humour. This evening he nearly dropped laptop on floor by accident and I said 'watch out', he then started having a go and saying I should have said something more constructive like ' be careful you dont drop the laptop, as 'watch out' could mean anything.WTF. Am finding this very hard to live with and hes making me miserable, have told him this. he is now sitting on sofa ignoring me as he says i take offence at everything he says. got to the point where i dread the weekends. any advice, not sure want to put up with this but ds loves his daddy, not really sure how i feel about him tbh

OP posts:

themumma · 13/01/2007 22:50

I really feel for you. you sound really down. i dont really have alot of experienced advice for you. only that you shouldn't stay with someone just for the sake of the child, whats better a depressed mum or a happy mum? if happiness is being away from your dh, be happy. d's will love his daddy weather or not you are together. the person you should be worried about most is YOU!

notasheep · 13/01/2007 22:56

Sounds like he wants to be in control and boss you around.
Relate may help. and tell him to stop being so ghastly

themumma · 13/01/2007 23:04

yep communication is the key, try telling him what your've told us.there may be an underlying reason for his behavior.

colditz · 13/01/2007 23:06

themumma, he is being a dick, but you knew that. Does he? Take him to relate.

freedomfighter · 13/01/2007 23:20

hello lupo, can almost feel your frustration! felt alarm bells ringing at your dh excuse about having to offload negatively onto you and then he tries to turn blame back onto you by accusing you of having no sense of humour - thats a classic thing of emotional abuse along with his comments about finding a new mummy - so bang out of order am annoyed for you ...will relate really help in this kinda situation?? am worried that before long he'll drag you further and further down and his comments will get worse and worse...

themumma · 13/01/2007 23:22

as if he's going to go to relate!! communication should start at home. if theres a problem talk about it together, find out how you both feel. then you can find a way to solve the problem.

colditz · 13/01/2007 23:23

sorry sorry I meant lupo

Original poster

lupo · 14/01/2007 18:33

Hi, thanks for responses so far. Have tried to talk to him and told him how miserable his hurtful comments make me, but its almost as though the more he knows it upsets me the more he does it. when I asked him hy, he told me to grow up and get a sense of humour, wtf. Do I just ignore the comments though very hurtful or do I give as good as i get and end up arguing all weekend with him...advice appreciated

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alipiggie · 14/01/2007 18:41

This sounds like a man trying to push you away. My H did this to me, nothing but criticisms and it's way beyond funny. You need to sit him down and tell him that not only is it cruel and selfish to treat you like this it is undermining your relationship with your child. This is not how a loving relationship carries on - I know. Please take care of yourself and if he won't sit down and discuss this with you, insist that he comes to counselling with you. There is some underlying problem that is making him treat you like this.

HappyDaddy · 14/01/2007 18:56

He isn't the big man at work, so plays the big man at home. He needs to grow up, pure and simple.

Chocol8 · 14/01/2007 18:59

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time Lupo - your husband's behaviour is completely out of order.

It sounds like he needs a new job and to work on HIS sense of humour - pronto!

He tells you to take his comments with a sense of humour, but he's not taking his colleagues with a sense of humour...pot, kettle and black spring to mind.

This is mental abuse and i would not stand for it (i didn't, i told my xh to sling his hook - i didn't wanna be dragged down to his level). I agree it does sound like he's pushing you away.

Just wanted to add my tuppence worth, but sending you a big hug anyway.

Original poster

lupo · 14/01/2007 19:49

Just wanted to add he is a bit of a jekyl and hyde character is always lovely to ds but not always nice to me. he is now happily cooking us all a roast dinner while i am still upset by stuff he said yesterday.

If he is trying to push me away, he is certainly going about it the right way.

any tips from a male perspective happy daddy?

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MamazonAKAfatty · 14/01/2007 19:56

what does he do for a job? If he is used ot working within a very competetive male dominated environment he may actually think that what he is saying is pefectly normal as that the way they all speak to each other at work.

you say its worse at weekends. what do you do when you have such a lot of time together. if you just sit together getting bored then you are bound to notice flaws in eahc other. Maybe you shoudl try and find things to occupy your time together and see if that makes an improvment

PeachyClair · 14/01/2007 20:01

His ego ahs been badly damaged by bullies at work, its the same as with kids whose parents bully them so they go on to do it at school. he's hurt, a bit scared and probably lonely too. That doesn't mean he can take it out on you though. I ahve a coulpe suggestions:

he needs to find a way of letting off steam without upsetting you. Does he ahve an appropriate hobby or would he like one? An hour bashing a squash ball or a hammer on a Saturday morning could be a Godsend, frankly.

He needs tor ecognise he has a problem with demarcation between home and work. Work is an enforced environment to an extent, home is supposed to be a choice issue where people don't feel scared. He could address this by either having a demarcation activity- maybe playing a loud CD in the car to work off steam, stopping to see a friend on a Friday after work, going out with you for a meal- something.

can you find some area for him to focus on where he is a success? That would help I think.

he can't get positive feedback for the way he is behaving but like with a small child when he is 'good' go overboard, he will recognise it feels better thanwhen he is nasty. Childish eprhaps, but useful.

He does need to find a new job, bullying is horrid and nobody- you or him- needs it. It ruins lives, not just relationships.

Original poster

lupo · 14/01/2007 20:04

He does work in a environment as a product manager for IT co, people he works with are lovely, though i am sure there is lots of male banter. what upsets me is that I have told him that it upsets me when he nit picks, puts me down and says hurtful stuff, and yet he does it even more.

we always have lots planned at weekend, he has always been like this in any job he does and he is always the one who winds up work colleagues and cant handle it if they retort.

I say he has always been like this, difference is I used to want to make this marriage work, now he gets me upset soo much that not sure i want him anymore, only prob is ds is besotted with him.

just feels like he says this stuff to deliberately hurt me and am starting to feel very distant from him

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MamazonAKAfatty · 14/01/2007 20:07

then you need to have a very frank conversation with him. i know you have talked about how you feel when he speaks to you like this but you need to make sure you tell him that you are very close to leaving him because of it.

if he doesn't change then you need to do what is best for you and your son. yes your son loves his father but do you really want him growing up thinking it is ok to disrespect his mother, and indeed all women the way his father does?

It may be a difficult decision but you need to show your Dh that you are serious and that if it doesn't change youw ill be off

PeachyClair · 14/01/2007 20:08

At somepoint DS will not only realise, but will learn that is how relationships work. That is the sad truth- if he has always been like this I would be inclined towards planning for a future away.

Having said that, relate or alternative relationship counselling would be an excellent stop. You sound like you both ahve differwnt conflict resolution styles, and would need help in that field.

Cold he eb depressed? Its just that my Dh behaved a bit like this, and in retrospect I realised he was trying to amke me understand how much inner pain he had.

Dor emember ultimately that making you feel bad about yourself is emotional abuse.

themumma · 20/01/2007 00:17

Hi lupo.
Its been nearly a week since you started your thread and its a weekend again. How's things this week have you resolved any of your probs with DH? let me know how your getting on have been thinking about you lots.

Original poster

lupo · 20/01/2007 19:36

Hi the mumma

thanks for asking, things have been fine this weekend so guess he had a good week at work, next time he starts have decided to tell him straight away to pack it in and that i am not preparaed to put up with it anymore.... have such a nice weekend when he acts normal.

Though just spent n afternoon shopping and lunch with a friend while he looked after ds..think I deserved it after all the crap last weekend.

Thanks for all the advice ..will keep you posted

OP posts:

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