Fear of my own genetics and babies

[PlayingGrownUp]

Basically babies are being mentioned around us A LOT recently and I don't think DP & I are on the same page. I'm in my 20s and would prefer not to have my own children because my family have a lot of defects. Miscarriages are common among sisters, aunts, mum etc and there's been multiple child deaths including 2 of my siblings. So I'd so prefer to adopt. My DP is in his 40s and doesn't see any reason not to have our own - which would be years down the line. Am I being odd wanting children just not my own? Especially as his age gives me even more doubts?

Have you considered asking your GP for a referral to a clinical geneticist? A thorough discussion of your family history and family tree might help clarify what if any inherited conditions your pregnancy and future children may be at risk of, and to quantify that risk? That information might help with your decision making. Alternately if your husband wants children who are genetically his but you don't want to chance your genetics then would IVf with donor eggs be an option for you?

There are usually various options for discussing the possibility of genetic problems. It might give you a better idea of what the risks are for you and your partner. Speak to your GP and find out what the options are for you.

Your partner may not want to go down the adoption route because his age might count against you. It depends on the authority/organisation that you want to adopt through.

Given what you've seen in your own family, I don't think you're being "odd" to not want to bear a child. It might be hard for your partner to understand and it must be very frustrating that he can appear to dismiss your concerns.

Finally, if it gives you some comfort, a friend of mine has an identical twin sister who has had problems conceiving and has had multiple miscarriages. My friend and her husband went for their first IVF cycle but it failed. Three months later, my friend got pregnant naturally. After a lot of hope and prayer, she gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Two months after that, the twin sister got pregnant again. She had a healthy baby boy a few weeks ago Given the emphasis that their culture (and the culture of my friend's husband) place on sons, they now have a lot less pressure on them, so it was even better.

Do you know whether it's a specific genetic condition or another cause for the losses? One which could be medicated?

My family have a bad history of stillbirth/miscarriage but it's a blood condition which can now be treated enabling a 70% success rate in pregnancy, which is a hell of a lot better than historically.

You could pay for a genetic profile and bloods?

I completely understand your anxieties, but I think you should definitely consider talking to a genetic counsellor (as PP said, your GP can refer you) before you dismiss the idea of having your own children. They deal with this kind of family history the whole time and they'll be able to advise you on the risks, if any, that apply to your own specific situation.
It would be such a shame for you to miss out on having kids if there was no reason you couldn't.

You can have CVS and karyotyping etc done whilst pregnant by foetal medicine centres to screen for certain things. You could also have genetic tests pre-pregnancy.

I do however think there is a bigger picture to your reluctance and it is around your partner's age and his inability to listen to and take seriously, your concerns.

Don't be hustled into having a child just because his clock is ticking. You are very young still and starting a family is a huge decision.

I don't think any of your points are U, I'd also be concerned about all of them and want more information. I agree, don't be hustled and ask the GP for a referral to get an assessment of the risks.

Oh he's not in a rush! He's a real believer that men can make babies til they are in their 70s which is understandable as his dad was in his late 50s when the youngest was born. I'm just worried that if he was 45 when we have a kid which would be the soonest I'd be able to consider then he's 55 when the baby is 10. My dad is 55 now so I think of it as being very old for a ten year old.

I think I'd look into the genetics aspect when we're in a better position. Thanks I'd never thought of looking at it like that.

Posted too soon.

Sorry for your family losses.

And of course he doesn't see any reason not to have his own, it's not his body and his mental health that has to go through the immense physical and emotional pain of any potential miscarriage or termination or loss of pregnancy for defects.

Why does he want to wait for years? And how many years?

Tread carefully here OP.

Cross posted.

Oh he's happy to wait is he! Has he considered your needs? So he'll do it in a timeframe that suits him, if he doesn't change his mind or unable to father kids in years time - how noble.

Pregnancy can be very hard to achieve later in a woman's life, the risks for people with no genetic history increase significantly and pregnancy can be seriously hard on the body. You might end up being his carer and trying to care for a child and all the financial and practical considerations that would bring.

He can afford to play fast and loose with his fertility, you can't. He sounds very irresponsible - what sensible person has a child in their 70s?!

I repeat, tread very, very carefully here.

Music as someone in the unlucky camp ... The OP is in her 20s. Being in her 30s wouldn't drastically change any predisposed issues. Stuff about the "cliff" can cause undue terror when your first attempt (s) risk loss/failure.

I completely agree regarding the bloke being ridiculous though. Waiting a decade at his age is stupid.
Im just trying to avoid scaring the OP, given she's under 30.

What's scary is men over 45 DO increase miscarriage risk regardless of maternal age. So he isn't risk free.

You can get your DNA tested these days for medical reasons.

Please consider getting tests by a genetisist. I wish you all the best.
Such a burden for you to carry.

I'm a geneticist.
Ask your go for a referral to a clinical geneticist. It will be useful for them to know exactly who had losses, and at what stage, so if you can get that information (which of course will need delicacy on your part ) then that would be useful to take to the geneticist.
The causes of miscarriage are many and varied. Firstly, it may still be due to chance, unlikely as that seems. The cause may not be known. However... As a pp said, there are some causes of recurrent miscarriage that are very easily treatable, such as blood clotting disorders. Other causes could be unknown but ruled out by looking at patterns of inheritance.
When you say 'defects' do you mean physical birth defects? Again, this is all information to take with you