My husband is so f*cking miserable.

[EvansAndThePrince]

He works, I'm a SAHM. We are both stressed and tired but he thinks he's the only one, doesn't occur to him that I could be equally as stressed and tired. He has, THE most difficult life. Nobody could understand. Not even me, who worked longer, later shifts than him in the same place. He NEEDS to play at least 2 hours of minecraft after getting home at midnight (he walks, for 30 mins but still needs 2 HOURS of gaming to "wind down". It's unthinkable to come home, get showered, have a snack and watch something on to for half an hour, then go to bed. And he absolutely can't get up at 10am.
And then there's the day to day stuff. We can't jokingly have a dig at each other in public, someone he knows might hear. We can't stop at the bench in tesco to write a card, someone he knows might see. We can't just pick up a disposable bbq and enjoy the weather because "what if" a million stupid things. I'm too loud, he's embarrassed by me in public (I speak loudly but I'm not obnoxious, I don't cause anybody else embarrassment, I just talk loudly and laugh loudly).

He's so fucking miserable!!

What Costa says is exactly right.

You want to help him but he won't help himself. That's not on if it impacts on you and your dd so much.

Don't feel stupid. You're not stupid. Lots of intelligent women (ooh look that would be moi,) find themselves in this position. It's not you it's him. You just can't carry on like this indefinitely. Unfortunately you can't change him. He has to do some work on himself. It may get to a stage where he just shuts down and won't listen to support or suggestions from you. At that point you have to disengage, as it just turns into abuse when you're trying to help and he just shuts you up by whatever means.

The idea about going back to work part time is a good one. Do it. It will give you confidence and it will give you financial back up and independence.

You're right, it does need to come from him, but surely he needs some help in recognising it? It's that that I don't know how to do.

He's dragging me down and when he's around I'm miserable.

It's so difficult to communicate with him. Any evenings he is home, he only wants to play Xbox, any mornings he is home he wants to sleep. On his days off the same applies and in the afternoons we have one family day and one day when either he has DD for a couple of hours or he refuses to leave the house.

When I bring up anything remotely serious in texts he ignores me. For example last night he found time to text me about cake and reply to photos of DD but ignored me as soon as I brought up that he could spare some time for me some evenings/get up in the mornings.

Long time lurker and hugely infrequent poster, but this really resonated with me;

I constantly have to take DD away thinking "I'm sorry Daddy doesn't want to talk to us right now"

I too am afflicted with being married to a miserable arse man and can relate to this hugely. I often look at my DD and think "Daddy doesn't love us today"

I hope that someone wiser, stronger, and more eloquent than me can come in and give you some practical and helpful advice. I may well go back to lurking but I wanted to offer you my sympathies and some and

I feel sorry for both of you. For you, mainly, of course, OP, as you are clearly having a really hard time with all this. I also feel bad for him, though, as he is sleepwalking through his life, just with his head down and every day just like the last. So scared. So numb. And you only get one life.

Based on your further posts, OP, I think there are two main possibilities.

1. He is depressed and feeling so stuck in the sinkhole of negative feelings and hopelessness that he can't see how badly his attitude is affecting you and DD.

2. He's mentally checked out of the relationship and is being a complete dick because he's hoping eventually you will lose patience and dump him, so then he doesn't have to be the bad guy.

For the sake of your marriage I really hope it's 1) and you can persuade him to get some help. None of us are in your relationship though so we can't really see what it's like.

Thunder thank you, it's really hard huh?

Allover I think that's exactly it, he's sleepwalking through life and has no idea the joys he is missing.

Manatee I genuinely think it's the first option, I really do. He seems to think I'm on the opposite team, that the whole world including me is against him

Barbarian I haven't tried approaching him about depression, it's never come up yet.

Ugh, my ex h was like this. I tried being supportive, caring, nagging and just ended up living like he wasn't really there. It was devastating for me when we split, and he's said since he didn't realise how unhappy he was until we'd separated and he realised how much happier he was. Again, very hard to hear. Five years on and I feel like I'm so glad I escaped in time for me and my dcs to be able to enjoy life without a dementor hanging around!! And he's a much better father since we separated too.
Sorry op that's probably not very helpful. Is he affectionate towards you and your dc? Do you feel like emotionally he's elsewhere? I don't think you can do anymore than be honest with him that he's bringing you down and ask him what he plans to do about it? We're all responsible for our own happiness at the end of the day, and it's not fair that he's casting this shadow over you

Oh god that's what he's like, a dementor!
He's so lovely DD when he's got time for her. A lot of the time we don't talk when that's happening though. I hate her seeing us fight. And to me he's not overly affectionate. He used to be but I'm not very touchy feely so it may be my fault that he isn't any more. I do try to hang out with him in the evenings but he doesn't look at me, just the to screen. I sit directly in front of him and he looks around me.

Couldn't do it myself, don't see the correlation between his depression and his game playing, could he not make an effort at least, sounds like he knows you'll stick around and be his emotional punch bag, doubt you signed up for that.

He looks around you?! Sod that, that's so disrespectful? If your DD was living like this, what would you say to her?

Oh, and I think that the computer games definitely won't help the depression. Shutting themselves away in their own little world that they can totally control. If he is depressed, he'd be much better off trying to get outside or do a physical activity to get some endorphins going. But I do massively sympathise that making yourself do that when you're depressed is very hard. Depression is a nasty evil illness that makes it very difficult, nearly impossible, for you to do any of the things that will help - including reaching out to those you love the most.
My current DH struggles with anxiety and depression, and I make it clear to him that I love him, I support him, I'm there for him but he needs to help himself too. I'm not prepared to be someone's emotional punchbag again - no matter the cause. And to be honest I don't think I'd be helping him if I did just carry on and not pull him up on it when his dementor act gets going!

Evans, yes it totally sucks.

Do you have any RL support? Friends/family you can turn to or stay with?

No he has a gaming addiction and always has had. It's a whole separate issue.

He always talks about not wanting to leave the house, on his two days off he only goes outside on one, and won't go so far as the garden on the other. I go out almost every day so I find it really difficult when he won't come out and play in the garden. I want DD to get to spend as much time as possible together but it's hard to get him involved unless it's happening in our living room.

Thunder no not really. I've friends but the ones who would sit and listen are very "young and single" so wouldn't have much advice and the rest are not really close enough for this. My parents don't get involved really, and it's definitely not somewhere I could go and stay.

You said to my previous post "it's about how he is right now"

I think you really have to accept very quickly that you cannot change this man. He might decide to change but that's not anything you can necessarily predict.

If you've told him you are unhappy and he hadn't made even the slightest effort to change, you have to accept that's his choice.

So, that's why you getting a job and being independent from this will make you feel better.

I get that but we've never approached it from a mental health side before. If he accepts help and it works, who's to say that the way he is now is the way he will always be?

I think if he got help it could be different, maybe, ,possibly. But he isn't sounding at all respectful towards you. I have had bad anxiety and have struggled with intimacy / loving behavior with my family, but I always tried ro fake it. Either he doesn't really care deeoly, orhis head is is quite a bad mess,to blind him to you and dd . He sounds agoraphobic perhaps?

I know you are likely to be dependent on his income, but if his boss really is that evil, I can imagine how it might screw someone up. Perhaps a gp or mh professional could help him see that, see there could be a way out?
And I don't think the gaming addiction is unrelated, not at all,in fact ideally he would open up to a professional about that too.

Do you think he is particularly dim? You had depression. It is a pretty well known condition. The concept of counselling and therapy for feelings of unhappiness is well known. You have made it clear that his behaviour is impacting you and DD. Everyone I know would consider some kind of therapy in that situation.

Has he ever told you he wants your help to change his life for the better? Has he ever told you he wants his life to change? Has he ever shown any sign of wanting to find a way to change himself to make you and DD happier?

Sure, who's to say he can't change if he gets help.

But is he seeking help? Is he talking about how he wants to change and would like to find coping mechanisms?

No, he's not. He doesn't WANT to change. And without that, no change is possible.

I think you should raise your daughter away from this pity party. You should start by setting out your boundaries clearly and separating if he ignores them. I have every sympathy for people who are genuinely depressed. But not for a joy-sucker who doesn't mind ruining his child's childhood and refusing to do anything about himself.

Gaming addiction is as bad as alcohol/drug addiction. He does it to the detriment of everything else in his life because he wants the gaming more than anything else, time with you, with his dd, etc. You cannot change him, only he can do that and he has to want to do it, more than he wants to game.

The only person whose behaviour you can change is your own.

What would happen if you woke him up in the morning, said here is DD I am going out and then go? Perhaps you need to do this.

Have you ever given it to him straight? Others are right, only he can change his behaviour, meanwhile he is dragging you down and will do the same with your daughter..
I had/have one of these, I got to the point of packing his bags for him, also I told everyone I knew about him, everyone (after years of him pulling me down) I told him I wouldn't keep his secrets about how he treated us. I wrote him a very long letter pointing out exactly how he was, what he was doing and that I no longer gave a damn about he felt, I had to look after myself and our child, he could go hang as far as I was concerned and wallow in misery for the rest of his life. Well, it did work, it won't for everyone, he sought hep from the doctor, I found my voice and if he ever starts slipping, he knows I won't tolerate it. It won't change without drastic action, so you need a plan, probably to become financially independent of him, he needs that wake-up call and soon. Otherwise you will have years and years of this.

The day to day stuff sounds like you are on tenterhooks, you can't behave as you want to, even stopping to sit on a bench in public. I know what you mean, you probably have to weigh up everything you think about doing or saying in case he gets in an anger about it? He may well be depressed, but depression is like a layer over a personality. Some very nice people get depression, but so do utter bastards, and even when the depression is lifted or treated, they are still a bastard. Being depressed does not turn you into a nasty person, and I think he's being controlling and horrid to you. Best wishes.