Why do men who appear to hate you....

[Frizzbeol]

Beg for forgiveness and declare that you are the only one for them, they can't live without you, and so on. In my case it's not about control (or is it??) I've recently split from my partner of 20 years following a cataclysmic revelation, which in turn has followed years of crap, abusive, selfish behaviour. I just can't reconcile the two. Please tell me how it really is so I don't get drawn back in....

Well, for a short answer: the abuse/hate part is the truth, while the fake part is the begging for forgiveness because they like their hot dinners and clean shorts.

Sorry you are going through this.

Because they want things to go back to the way they were before you split. That's his comfort zone. And he doesn't like change.

He wants someone to take care of him, to be a target for his abuse. Otherwise who is he going to take his anger out on now?

He likes having someone who will put up with crap abusive selfish behaviour. It makes him feel powerful. He might never find someone else who will put up with it. So, it is true, he thinks you might be the only one for him. Is that the one you want to be?

Thank you for your replies. I do know how it is (I've been following you amazing women on Mumsnet long enough)! The pitiful fallout from asking him to leave is hard to deal with truth be told and I think he actually believes what he is telling me. I was the only grown up in the relationship, thereby facilitating his immature behaviour - more like a mother than a partner. For him that must be hard to let go. I am trying so hard not to hate him for the sake of our two children.