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Original poster

Can't stop visiting married affair sites - in a total quandry

51 replies

1944dadhelp · 11/05/2016 19:24

So, I have been with dh over 24 years and we have 3 dd's (10, 13 & 16). I think now our relationship has evolved to the just tolerating each other and communicating the bare minimum. I know relationships get stale and that marriage should be for life but boredom has caused my mind to wander. For the past 3 weeks I've been visiting a website for people who are married but want an affair. Most of the people on there are complete pervs but there are a few lovely genuine people. In particular there is one guy (J) who I really seem to have connected with. We chat every night and he wants to meet up. I know this is wrong on every level but I am so so tempted. We have tentatively arranged to meet next week but I just don't know if I'll got through with it. Am confused in so many ways as what I should or shouldn't do and just wondered please if any-one has any words of wisdom of can speak from experience!

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 12/05/2016 10:49

Intrinsic bias my arse.
Northern European social constructs my arse.

All very interesting discussion points for another thread

Not this one.
OP has entered a marriage with an expectation on both sides of monogamy (of the Northern European variety 😂)
Therefore, if she wants sex elsewhere she either leaves the marriage or renegotiates it.
If her husband is happy for her to have sex elsewhere but his terms are that he never wants to know - fine.
But she doesn't get to make that choice for him.

ThatsMyStapler · 12/05/2016 10:52

so, you're actively planning to be the OW? thats really nice

ravenmum · 12/05/2016 10:52

DrMorbius, you say that maybe the husband might not want to know if his wife is having an affair. But maybe he might actually just prefer honesty. What then? And let's imagine he does just want to keep his head buried in the sand and pretend not to know about an affair; does that really mean that option is actually better for him or anyone else involved? I didn't want to split up with my husband, but when it happened, it was much more positive than I expected. I was just afraid of the unknown. In future I would much rather have someone be honest with me from the start and treat me with respect than have them lie and go behind my back.

OP, how does your husband feel? Maybe he would also like to split up. Why not offer him the option of a respectful, mutual parting of the ways? And if it is not mutual, just a respectful one in which you do not suggest in any way that he has failed to satisfy? Affairs have a sad tendency to be found out, and your behaviour will change whatever you do to hide it. Do you really want to leave your husband wondering and guessing? Do you still see him as a fellow human being; how would you feel in his place?

GrimmauldPlace · 12/05/2016 11:00

While it is obviously preferable to be open and discuss it. This is just not always the available option. Some people just don't want to know.

Yes, let's justify cheating by imagining that the other person doesn't want to know. Hmm
An open relationship is only that when both partners are "open" with each other. The clue is in the name. Otherwise, it's just cheating.

OP, if you aren't happy in your relationship either talk to your H and try to fix it or walk away. Married affair site... Yes, you are definitely going to meet somebody lovely and trustworthy on there..

Joysmum · 12/05/2016 11:10

Open marriages work well for some but there needs to be the initial agreement to change the original monogamous terms of the marriage and an agreement reached of either honesty or not wanting to know about other dalliances.

if you respect your partner you do not get to make assumptions about what your partner might or might not want as your bias will be towards what you want, rather than what they need.

Let s not forget that even safe sex isn't 100% safe and you are playing with yours and your partners lives in taking that risk. You need their agreement.

desperatelysadandhurt · 12/05/2016 11:20

I've name changed for this because on Saturday Dh blew our marriage apart by using these sites.

For some unknown reason some of his data transferred onto my phone and there it was, all laid out in front of me, what he was up to behind my back Sad

He's been kicked out, i think our marriage is over and i'm left with a devastated 7 year old who cant stop crying and a 16 year old about to start her GCSEs next week who is plodding around the house with me at 2 in the morning because neither of us can sleep. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach and cant see any way forward. What a fucking waste for something so grim and sleazy.

If you dont give a shit about your marriage or Dh then let him know first and do the decent thing, give him a choice to leave.

I cant breathe at the moment without every bit of me hurting, thats what you are potentially doing to your kids and Dh if your'e caught.

ravenmum · 12/05/2016 11:28

It really is hard to understand why they don't see these things as sleazy, isn't it? My ex met up with his affair partner in a pay-by-the-hour hotel where the rooms had no windows (so people can't take photos from outside, presumably), but still felt it appropriate to be totally sanctimonious to me about my apparently not being the perfect wife. I wonder if he will ever see it as maybe not being quite as exciting and romantic as he thought at the time.

shovetheholly · 12/05/2016 11:50

You're bored. You don't get along with your husband. Your relationship is totally unrewarding.

Yet you say marriage is 'for life'. Hmm

Get a divorce, and find someone you love and who loves you!!

AnyFucker · 12/05/2016 11:52

I am sorry, desp

What a piece of shit your husband is.

Lumpylumperson · 12/05/2016 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 12/05/2016 12:15

J is not a 'lovely, genuine person'. J wants to meet women for no-strings sex, behind his wife's back. J has realised that many women, even cheats, would prefer to think there is an element of seduction/connection/affection behind their sexual transactions. J is therefore pretending to be lovely and genuine in order to have sex with you.

J finds his hit rate is better when he plays it this way. You are J's next target. Lucky you.

desperatelysadandhurt · 12/05/2016 12:24

Thankyou for the kind words, i'm too ashamed to tell anyone outside of close family so they mean a lot to me.

OP please look at what you have got before you throw it away for someone like my Dh who described the women he was messaging as mostly grim but he liked the thrill so carried on Sad

I cant even articulate how I feel about him.

shovetheholly · 12/05/2016 12:27

des - I'm so, so sorry.

Please, please don't feel ashamed of it. It really is NO reflection on you. I made that mistake, and it allowed my exP all the time in the world to sell his side of the story to friends and family... many of whom simply refused to believe the truth thereafter.

The more support you can build around you right now, the better. I was left very isolated just when I really needed people round me.

ThatsMyStapler · 12/05/2016 12:28

oh Desp, Flowers

AnyFucker · 12/05/2016 12:36

The shame is his desp

P1nkP0ppy · 12/05/2016 13:12

Oh Desp, please tell others IRL, you and your dcs need that external support.

OP I just hope you're reading the pops and recognising the misery you are about to wreak on your and the cheating bastard you're planning to meet's family.
Quite honestly you might as well go and sleep with someone straight off the street, it has no romance whatsoever.
In fact the thought makes me feel sick.

P1nkP0ppy · 12/05/2016 13:13

*pps not pops fgs.

Mummy2Kai2010 · 12/05/2016 14:14

End your relationship before u do anything. Your husband deserves to know how u feel. Cheating is not the answer.

Mummy2Kai2010 · 12/05/2016 14:29

Think about the wife on the other side. How would u feel to be in her position? How would you feel knowing you're the "other woman". I've been in that position. Unknowingly. And it will haunt me forever knowing now that I was the "other woman" and that scum bags poor wife had no idea. 3 months he was having an affair with me. And naive me thought I'd met the love of my life. I guess in the end the signs were there but I ignored them and he was an incredible liar.
Don't do this to that poor woman. Don't do this to yourself.

AnyFucker · 12/05/2016 16:01

What's the matter, op. Not got the replies you were expecting ?

Jan45 · 12/05/2016 16:03

Words of wisdom you say OP?

Try growing up and stop being an embarrassment to your family - I'd put money on you going though - it's easier than actually being honest and leaving your suffering OP though isn't it.

UnmentionedElephantDildo · 12/05/2016 17:01

Why would anything be the matter with the OP? It's not like she only made the opening post then vanished.

AnyFucker · 12/05/2016 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnyFucker · 12/05/2016 19:10

Heh

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 14/05/2016 00:37

Desperately - it is horrible isn't it. Addictive apparently. All very low and horrible.

For ANYONE who thinks that it is not only OK, but that the person that you share your bed, your daily life, your everything with, doesn't want to know that you are lying and betraying them. This is one of the most demeaning actions you can do to somebody, hide the secret of your horrible actions.

When I found out I was cheated on, that was one of the things that upset me most. That he felt it was 'HIS' secret. How dare he.