Am I expecting too much of in laws?

[Bee182814]

I'm trying to figure out if my pregnancy hormones are making me feel/act selfishly so sorry if a bit of a ramble!

My OH and I have been together nearly 4 years. We have 1 DS who is nearly 2 and I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant with DD. For various reasons, we don't have much to do with my family. They're not local and unreliable and I certainly wouldn't trust them to look after DS (partly as he simply doesn't know them well enough.) My OH 's family are local. His parents are 10 mins drive away, his brother roughly the same, his sister less than that although she's has 3 young DC. herein lies my question: OH ' s parents dedicate 3 days a week to looking after my SIL's DC 's then work/care for poorly relatives the rest of the time. They haven't looked after my DS at all for 6 months now. I dont work any more (had to give up pt job as had no one to look after DS during the week - started working Saturdays so OH could have him but was putting a huge strain on our family unit just having one family day a week so I handed my notice in) I've gone through my whole pregnancy so far suffering horrible morning sickness plus a few vomiting bugs and always they've been far too busy looking after their other GC to be able to help me out for a couple of hours even for me yo go to scans or appointments. They as good as told me that it wasn't convenient for them to have DS for any length of time during the week as so busy With other childcare commitments for SIL. I've asked a handful of times if they would have him for a few hours on weekends so that we can rest or just have some time together and always been told they've already got the other kids (after looking after them 3 days a week they still take them overnight on weekends when asked) or they've cancelled last minute as they 'forgot that they were going on holiday' and various other last minute cancellations. Theyve just come back from holiday with SIL and family and we asked if they would do a few days away with us but said they couldn't due to needing to look after other GC. The only time they will set aside to even see DS is if I take him round while they're babysitting the other GC where understandably he just gets ignored. Clearly I'm started to feel frustrated and rejected on behalf of my DS. I'm also worried as we were relying on them to have him when I go in to labour - they won't look after DS and other GC at the same time as it's too much for them so unless I give birth on the weekend my OH won't be able to be there as he will have to look after our son! Furthermore my OH is starting to get annoyed and feel pushed out by them as they don't even seem to have time to take his phone calls and whenever he does manage to speak to them on the phone he has to cut it short as other kids are crying at the other end. AIBU to expect them to show my son (and their own son!) The same level of attention as other siblings and GC? Should I say anything as it's not my family it's not really my place? If so how would I do it without seeming demanding? we dont really trust anyone else enough to look after him which i realise puts them under huge pressure but it has been 6 months since they've looked after him at all, its not like im asking every week! I feel like a bit of a bitch complaining but also feeling very drained being with DS 24/7 and our relationship is suffering due to no quality time. Please either tell me I'm being ungrateful or some advice as to how to handle tactfully would be great!
Thanks

Op am I right in thinking that you are hurting less about your IL's watching your SIL's dc, and more about the fact they are showing little to no interest in your ds and dh? Hearing your dh express that he feels they have no interest in him, or your ds has to hurt. If your dh is admitting that, then he is probably picking up on the truth of the situation. I agree with previous posters, who have said this sounds like a scapegoat/ golden child situation.

I disagree with others saying you are being selfish/ or that your SIL has more entitlement. Your in laws should not be spending so much time with their other gc that your son is excluded and never seen. My parents would never treat other gc like this to favour my dc. You don't need to expect them to watch your ds, but at the very least they should show an interest in and want to spend time with their grandson. They should show interest in their future grandchild too, the fact she said that she was not interested, speaks volumes to me.

What would happen if you stopped calling them, would they contact you? Did they
disapprove of your husband marrying you? Is your husband the type of man who refuses to let his Mother control him? I am wondering if your SIL is the type to let her parents control her still, never rebelled etc?

Milk tooth - were not expecting unpaid childcare as I'm not working now. I gave up the job as it became obvious that it was inconvenient for them (it wasn't a regular request as was on rota and mostly weekends so OH could do childcare 90% of the time) hard to say if they're loving toward him tbh as they only ever see him while CM the other GC so obviously have their hands full.

Super fly - as above, not expecting them to do CM, i gave up my job when i realised i was asking too much for them to look after him for the odd shift. Would like a couple of hours of babysitting every now and again as new baby on the way and not been alone with my OH for over 6 months and we're starting to struggle in our relationship.

Pink poppy - how did you build support network? Who did you reach out to? I'm trying to figure it all out :)

Mummy to 2 - yes I think I'm just more upset about OH feeling like this and feel rejected on behalf of DS. All the kids rebelled and none of them are easily controlled, all very head strong. SIL is youngest and only girl and had the first GC. She's always very much had her parents in her pocket (which she's absolutely entitled to as they're her parents, not being bitter!)

Over the last 2 monyhs or so Ive stopped trying to keep up contact and waited for them to get in touch with me. The visit today was only promoted by my OH mentioning to his DF thst I was at the hospital at the same time as FIL was there. They wanted to know why I was there and didn't go and visit sick relative.

They didn't disapprove of us marrying as we're not married and will probably stay that way as OH isn't keen on the idea. I guess that also makes me feel a bit like an outsider and that I will never feel part of the family properly and perhaps makes me feel Resentful.

This is a very eye opening process, helps me to reflect on myself. Thank you xx

I hope that you are feeling better now open (check your inbox)

It helps to express how you are feeling. The fact your husband and his brothers rebelled makes me even more sure that there is a scapegoat/golden child situation going on.

Thanks Mummyto2 - scary how accurate it seems reading that article!

I'm rather shocked at some responses. Maybe it's because with my mum she treats all her grandchildren the same.. she wouldn't offer to have 1 grandchild while we work and not other there for doesn't have any of them .. (there is 10 of them)

My sister and I share care we help it other out and my mum always steps in if one I's stuck but like she said she can't have them all so won't just have one but will always help if needed.

I have twins and work and yes childcare expensive but and I no this is going to sound bad but you have to get on with it so the SIL doesn't get out of card with that.

I honestly think op that they aren't u terested and as I said before its there dam lose, sod them! Look into childcare or fund a baby sitter in your area that can help, you don't need them.

I am very lucky to have my mum and feel sorry for dh for his awful parents!

Things to do for you-
Find childcare/babysitter in your area.
Friends/neibours .. I have a lovely neibours that we help each other out on those days we had enough, I'll have hers over when she is feeling it and she will have mine when I'm the same .. is this possible?

When your ds is older he won't even ask for them anymore and again it will be there loss

Thanks flippy. Yes I think there is a part of me that wonders what will happen in future if SIL has more kids or when the other sibling has kids or when our new baby arrives and I need to work further down the line - obviously wouldn't expect her to have them all that would be crazy!

We are going to meet CM later so hopefully he gets along well with her.

Neighbours are all elderly, not really anyone with kids nearby but I'm sure if I ask around amongst friends they must know a few reliable babysitters between them xx

Bee this struck a chord with me as I have been feeling the same lately so I know how much this hurts. My DS is 5 now and his grandparents have never had him on his own for 5 mins never mind babysat or had him overnight, that wouldn't be so bad if they were affectionate and loving with him etc but its taken 5 years to realise that they have no interest in him at all.

Its taken me this long to stop with making all the effort, inviting them over for tea, taking them to their house with handmade cards and gifts, anything to try and make sure he has a loving relationship with GPs (not helped by the fact that his other nanna, my mum, died when he was only 6months old, and would have been the best nanna and doted on him)

It has been hard, and it has caused arguments with me and DH who never says anything about it, he knows they will never change and i've really taken it personally and it breaks my heart for DS. Since a few incidents happened at xmas I have stopped making any effort, no texts, no invites over etc and it still makes me sad but i'm getting there slowly - i need to realise it is their loss.

My situation is different to you as there are 2 other GC with SIL and they are the same with them, so I know its nothing to do with us, they are just cold, distant horrible people who like to put on a front for their church friends fucking riles me no end!

I would say stop with the trying now as they are not likely to change, and it'll only make you more resentful and upset over time. You need to take comfort in the fact that you 3 are your family and as long as you are looking out for each other that's all you can do

Doineedhelp- thank you very much. I I will try and keep that in mind and bite my tongue rather than say anything then!