Mum / daughter issues!

[hoping2016]

I'm struggling a little after a recent visit to mum. i know she would like to see more of me and the kids however i am run of my feet most of the time with a 2 & 5 yr old and a dh who works seriously long hours and is away with work from time to time. Most things fall to me.

She seems to bring up on a regular basis how great other people children are......e.g. recently had an uncle who died and her comment was the children are so wonderful they always took him out even though he couldnt walk properly. Another one was X really looking after his father well .....this is a person who has worked very hard but has retired at 50 and has grown up children so much more time available.

We were very very close growing up however since my first dd things have changed hugely and to be honest i dont feel like going round as often anymore even when i do have the time. i feel awful in some respects but it feels even if i do the most i can for her is still isnt enough. She just doesnt seem to get what my life is like....my dad did shift work and mum admin work part time.....their lifestyle was no where near as stressful as ours is today. My dad was around to pitch in with us kids, whereas I'm doing all the home/car/children type jobs alone.

Also i do like to spend time with my dc taking them to groups etc i do prioritise this over visits to gp in the week as i feel im a sahm to do all these things with the children and also i need the social stimulation too. I just like having my own little life and as she sees me and the dc one weekday pm a week i dont feel the need to see them too much more.

I have tried explaining however they think i'm just moaning..... i see other friends and they have so much useful support from their parents.

Feeling sad.....

Sorry you feel sad. I get the impression you need a good heart-to-heart. I think she's hearing rejection where you intend none and you're hearing a guilt trip where she intends none - because you both feel bad about where your relationship has ended up.

The main thing I get from your post is that your feel totally overwhelmed with domestic responsibility, and this has made you feel that visiting family is just another demand on your time rather than a chosen pleasure. I think a lot of people can relate to that, and I think that's where you need to concentrate on finding your solution. If you felt less stressed, I think you'd feel less defensive around your mum and possibly more inclined to visit her anyway. A good relationship with your parents and a special relationship between child and GPs can be a wonderfully nourishing experience for everyone (assuming those involved are normal, functional individuals).

What's your relationship like with your H? You sound like you're on your own a lot in the marriage. Does your H's job, which sounds demanding, pay a salary commensurate with those demands? If it does, can you outsource a lot of the domestic demands on you so that you're able to free up some time and feel more relaxed? Personally, I think that should be a greater priority than a better-decorated home, a newer car or a holiday, as day-to-day quality of life is what determines your happiness IMO. A wonderful 2-week family holiday can achieve a lot but it can't undo 50 weeks of feeling overwhelmed or hard-done-by.

I would sit down with your mum and tell her how you feel much like you have in your OP. You may find she's more supportive than you realise. Of course if she's a selfish person who makes it all about her, you'll be on a hiding to nothing, but that's not the impression I get from your post. I just see someone who feels pushed out because you feel (quite understandably) like you've nothing left to give.

What I would be wary of - and apologies if I'm way off the mark here - is making your mum the problem when the real problem is that you're shouldering 80% of the responsibility in the marriage because of your DH's job.

I think you are isolating your family from your mum not intentional or out of Malice you are busy doing your thing and your mum is feeling left out could your mum visit you she wants to be a part of your Dc lives which is nice but if it is something you dont have time for you are going to have to settle yourself to that .