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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't kow if my partner has cheated.

39 replies

StupidDoormat · 10/05/2016 17:39

Hi. I have name changed for this as I don't want anyone I know to see it as it;s all just so embarrassing. I guess I'm posting because there is a lot of good advice on here, and I don't know what to believe anymore, and an outsider might be able to be more logical than me.

I got a message on facebook last year, it went to my "others" folder, so I didn't see it until a couple of months later.
It said: "You might want to check your partners emails and figure out why he is chasing other women as (username) especially since he has a kid with you. Cause if I catch him coming near my woman again he is in trouble."

the username is not one my partner uses (afaik) but is definitely one he would use if that makes sense? Its basically something he says about himself in a jokey way. Im trying not to out myself.
I couldnt reply to the message as the person had either blocked me, or deactivated their account.

Early in our relationship, my partner actually had sent messages to a woman, telling her all about a sex dream he had about her, and what he would like to do with her. This is why I didn't just assume it was nonsense. He is aware that I consider it cheating and that if he did it again it would be over.

When I found the message I called him at work, and asked him who (senders name) was. He said he didn't know, when I told him the message, he denied all knowledge, then said he was coming home to propose to me. This set my alarm bells ringing, as marriage is a sore topic in our house (something i want, he says he does, but never materialises).

Anyway he said he couldn't prove a negative, and I couldnt prove anything either. so I dropped it, but never really felt like he definitely hadnt done it.

I found the message by chance again this week while deleting messages, and for some reason decided to google the name (I hadn't before). The name is not hugely common. On 192.com there are 150 matches for it.

The first hit on google was a linkedin account, for someone with that name, who lives in our village, and went to his school. This person also is not on facebook.

I just feel like it is too much of a coincidence. I dont really know what to think :(

Sorry this was long.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/05/2016 19:59

Good for you, OP. I refuse to call you 'StupidDoormat' as you're anything but. I hope you find the strength to leave him and have a better man in your life. He sounds horrible to treat you like this, so manipulative and controlling. You deserve a hell of a lot better.

Original poster

StupidDoormat · 10/05/2016 20:05

He said he wouldn't propose until he could buy a huge expensive ring. I said I didn't care about it being huge or expensive. He says it matters to him and he needs to save for it (even though he has spent hundreds(maybe even thousands) on his hobby in the last couple of years.

Then he said that I need to stop mentioning it as he cant do it if I'm talking about it or it will look like I have nagged about it.

OP posts:

LeaLeander · 10/05/2016 20:12

He's a complete manipulative, selfish prick in x, y, and z way - but otherwise a lovely guy and a great dad. How often do we hear that here?

"Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?"

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/05/2016 20:14

I hope you're just having a well-deserved rant here, OP, and not buying into the absolutely disrespectful crap that he's trying to shove down your throat. He's a miserable excuse for a human being and he's treating you as if you're stupid. Urgh.

Original poster

StupidDoormat · 10/05/2016 20:17

The marriage thing is almost a separate issue though. I just mentioned it to show exactly how unbelievable and what a ridiculous response it was for him to say "I'm coming home to propose", rather than it being my main concern.

It feels like he was clutching at any straw he could. People don't do that if they've done nothing, do they?

OP posts:

magoria · 10/05/2016 20:21

You are on the way there but you need to fully wake up and smell the bull shit.

First he was coming home to propose when you found him out. But you 'ruined' that by confronting him. Where was the big expensive ring then?

Then he is never marrying you so you can't get hold of what he considers his money. So he sure isn't going to waste his money on a big expensive ring for you.

He has spent the equivalent of a big expensive ring already, on himself.

He doesn't have any intention of ever marrying you. Sorry.

He may propose to dig himself out of a massive hole if you actually do decide you want out because he has cheated.

That is a long long way from marriage and there will be all the' he wants a massive marriage (that you now have to save for) for you'...

Please leave. You are worth so much more.

Original poster

StupidDoormat · 10/05/2016 20:35

No sorry you misunderstand... I didn't interrupt his proposal with my discovery....
It was in response!

I called at work and told him the message I'd had. He suddenly starts talking at about a million words a minute about how he didn't know who it was. Then says "that's it I'm going to come home and propose"

And an hour later arrives home.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 10/05/2016 20:44

Stop wasting time with this chump

Devilscelery · 10/05/2016 20:45

He sounds like a complete arsehole and I agree that he's full of bull shit. This will nag at you and start to affect your self esteem.

Offred · 10/05/2016 22:15

He's not even trying very hard to hide how much of a wanker he is is he?

magoria · 10/05/2016 22:22

I was trying to explain how he is keeping you dangling and putting you off of trying to get to the bottom of any indiscretion he has performed.

zippey · 11/05/2016 05:25

You say he is good father, but what is he like as a partner? All the comments you have posted so far indicate a deceitful guy.

As for the Facebook comments, you indicate that for a variety of reasons it could be him. Do you think it's just a coincidence, given his panicked reaction to having been found out? If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

You know your gut feeling on this one. But what do you want to do about it?

1DAD2KIDS · 11/05/2016 05:52

I think in a way the marriage issue is bigger. It's clear he does not want to put his money where his mouth is and fully commit him self to you. I think he is therefore wasting your time when you could be out finding someone better. Maybe think about cutting your loses and find someone that does repect you?

SandyY2K · 12/05/2016 00:47

It doesn't sound like you'll leave him even if he is cheating, which it sounds like he is. if you want a man to marry you, having kids first isn't usually the best way. Once he has kids and you being a 'wife' why will he bother. he's got everything he needs and yes...divorce could well happen and he'd loose assets. Why? because he's cheating on you.

In the meanwhile, you might want to get tested for stds just in case

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