Pregnant with 2nd child and husband thinking of leaving because he doesn't want it!

[nannyplum77]

Hi everyone

Apologies in advance by the long post but there is a bit of background...

My husband and I are both 39, we have a 4 year old son, both have good jobs, our own home etc. We have had some issues in the past but have managed to work through them and we were in a pretty good place, or so I thought.

He's always known I wanted another child and we had agreed it was an option when it was the right time. A few months ago we took the decision to not actively try to conceive, but not prevent either and let nature take it's course. We agreed that if we had a successful pregnancy (I've had 3 miscarriages in the past and it took quite a long time to conceive our son) by the time I was 40 then great, but if not, we would not try any further and he would have a vasectomy. I was fine with this.

A couple of months later, he hit me with the bombshell that he really doesn't want another child and he is going to speak to the doctor about a vasectomy.... bit of a shock but I figured we both had to want another child and we already have a beautiful son, so I accepted it.

What I didn't realise was that by then I had already fallen pregnant. I'm now 9 weeks along and everything looks fine - I had an early scan the other day.

Well, he has taken it badly and doesn't feel he can cope with another child. I'm not sure if he's trying to guilt trip me into a termination but I have told him that's not an option. I've basically said that this baby exists and I will continue with the pregnancy with or without him. I'd like us to remain a family but if he feels that strongly I have said he has to make the choice about whether he's in or out. He wants time to think and is seriously considering leaving me.... I could half understand if I'd deceived him in some way i.e. stopped taking the pill without telling him etc.

Part of me wants to fight and try to make things work - I'm sure he'll feel differently when the baby is here.

The other part of me thinks I need to put my babies first and I'm better off without someone who would do this.

Any advice? Thanks in advance x

I certainly think you need to tell him honestly how you are feeling and why you feel that way. Unfortunately he has created a no win situation.

Just remember he did this not you. Stay strong

This happened to me.

Nearly 4 years down the line it ended in domestic violence - he changed so much after DC was born. He's not the man I met at all.

Kick him to the kerb now.

Sorry that happened to you Froginapan, how are things now? Does he still see DC?

To top things off nicely, I've just come out of a meeting where I've been told I'm soon to be under redundancy consultation as they are restructuring my business area and my role no longer exists.

I am stunned.

so sorry.

you made agreements, talked it through, made joint decisions. You did all the right things.

he has now reneged on what was agreed. Tough. Sometimes in life you can't do that and this is one of those situations.

tell him what you want to happen.

...and just seen update; while most of us will get made redundant at some point this is horrible timing. Even more reason for some frank discussions.

Get some pre-emptive advice about the job situation here; www.maternityaction.org.uk/advice-2/advice-line/

Sorry, seems to all be happening at once :(

Oh no Nanny It never rains but it pours, eh?

What a lot to take on board at one time. Do you have any RL friends or family members you could confide in to take the pressure off a bit?

We are all her to support you of course, it might just help you feel a bit better about everything if you could talk it through in RL - particularly with the work shock. it's so tough. Please make sure you are looking after yourself as well as you can...

I think you need to tell DH what you are thinking and feeling about the relationship and about the work thing ASAP - you need to know where you stand sooner rather than later with DH and job so you can make some plans for the future for you and your children.

Big unmumsnetty hug coming your way.

Congratulations on your pregnancy - talk to your union, I'm not sure they can actually make you redundant if you've told them you're pregnant (check with the union before telling them though, obviously, but do it soon before you are formally notified).

Your H is an arse. No he cannot have a relationship only with one child and not the other, unless you support and facilitate this. I assume you wouldn't, since it would be seriously psychologically damaging to both children, so he'd have to take you to court for access to one of the two children - not a fucking chance they'd grant him that.

I have depression/anxiety too. It's fine to declare a low dose anti-depressant. Honestly, it's so, so common. Nobody will bat an eyelid. The problem is that when your depression is not controlled, you think of it and everything else) as a much bigger problem than it is; "I can't go on anti-depressants, what will people think, what will the consequences be?". He probably needs to be on them to get proper perspective on how much it's actually fine to be on them. However, you can't make him make a sensible decision. And much as I sympathise with his diagnosis, he has been a complete dick about this in an unforgivable way, and I would tell him to fuck right off.

I do have some friends and family I can talk to yes. At the moment, I'm a bit reluctant to talk to anyone about my situation with DH because, if we do stay together, it could be awkward going forward.

As far as the work thing goes, I've not been happy here for a while and if I wasn't pregnant I would be more than happy to take my severance pay and find something else. Obviously this way I would lose any maternity entitlement and even if I was taken on by another employer, I wouldnt have the length of service to qualify for mat pay. I know 'technically' employers can't discriminate against pregnancy when recruiting but the majority still do, masking it under another excuse not to offer the role.

All things considered, I feel strangely philosophical about it all - I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason and I refuse to stress myself out about the job or the DH. My priorities are me and my children now, it would just be nice to know where I stand so I can move on.