boyfriend doing drugs while I'm pregnant:(

[u8tvgirl]

hi everyone. so this might be a bit of a long story but I really really need some advice. I am 27 years old and my bf is 29. I am 13 weeks pregnant and this is the first baby for either of us. this pregnancy was a surprise, but one that I was very happy about but things aren't going as planned. 2 months ago my boyfriend was laid off from his job and moved in with a friend of his. I also started a new job and have my own place but travel down to where he is for work because our plans were to move to the city and get a place together for us and the baby. the problem is he is putting barely any effort into finding employment saying that this job doesn't offer enough, or this means he'd work away for periods of time etc etc. just always seems to be an excuse while he is on EI and working under the table with odd jobs. however, he never seems to have any money. a couple of days ago I went into his room to change for work and found a rolled up bill and leftover white powder on his dresser sad he had used cocaine in the past but had promised to change with the pregnancy and the new baby. plus added to the fact that he barely has any money and asks ME to lend money to him, I have just been furious over this. he is cranky all of the time now. tells me I'm annoying, has no interest in the baby other than to say things like he will take me to court if I leave him and spends most of the time lecturing me on the most random things. this isn't the man that I knew before and he seems to have gotten worse with the pregnancy sad sad we are both from the other side of the country and that's where all of our family is. I have brought up to him about going home so the baby would have grandparents and aunts and uncles around because family is very important to me. he shoots the idea down without even considering it and says if I go he will take me to court once the baby is here. my family wants me to come home at all costs and deep down that's all I want to do. to go home and have the best life possible for my little one. I was not brought up in an atmosphere of drugs and just scraping by borrowing money from.people and I don't want that for this baby. I work hard and always . my mother has even offered to move in with the baby and I so we would all have a nice home and I wouldn't be alone, but there is a part of me that thinks my bf will smarten up once the baby is here and that I will someday regret leaving the father of my child and raising this baby on my own with no father in its life. i think of how i will.somehow be turned into the bad guy by him and his family. I always thought I would enjoy my pregnancy but anytime I bring up anything like buying a nice crib or having a baby shower he tells me I'm being spoiled and a princess because his family was brought up with nothing and that I don't need all of this nice stuff when all I want is a good and normal life for me and my baby sad I just feel so alone and I guess I'm asking this not because I don't know the answer but because I'm scared it's just my hormones and emotions making me crazy and over sensitive. I find it hard to even talk to him anymore after the way he has been acting. it's like Dr jekyll and Mr Hyde. sad

I'm making a guess you may be in America? The only reason I bring this up is that I'm unsure how births are registered there. In the uk if unmarried the male has to be there to have his name added to the birth certificate as far as I'm aware which then gives them some legal standing as a parent. This man will never bring anything to your child's life and I would avoid all ties with him if at all possible, e.g consider not having him on the birth certificate.

Go home to your Mother and I wish you the best for the future.

If you are lucky enough to have a family who supports you, then go home and raise this child within your own family.

Do not wait for this man. Many of us far older and uglier than you can attest to the fact that men who are useless during pregnancy are usually even more useless after the fact.

And babies/whole lives are much more transportable when they are inside you and don't need prams and 40 bags

I became an unplanned single parent when I was 30 weeks pregnant and 23 (he cheated on me). I'm so thankful it happened before my son was here. He has never made any contact with us and my son has a 'dad' who loves him.

It's not always been easy and I didn't have any family support.

But it's been an amazing adventure.

Ok, I'm going to say it in very simple words:

1. you are in an abusive relationship with an unenemployed twat who is addicted to the worst kind of drugs.

2. things are not going to be better, they will only get worse. He doesn't give a hoot about the baby, he would be trying to get a job rather than using your money to buy drugs if he did.

3. you are going to be a single mum with him or without him, but it will be a much easier, enjoyable and safer experience for both you and the baby if you are well away from him.

4. Don't dig yourself further into this shi*t or try to reason with him anymore, he won't change. Move back near to your family ASAP, you need their support (and protection) to raise this child.

5. Don't wait until the baby is born to do the move as you might not be able to do it: if the baby is born away things will be much easier. Court is NOT an empty thread. If he is abusive he would see you and baby as property and won't let you go even when he doesn't show much concern for either of you.

Taking you to court is NOT an empty threat, it is relatively easy for him to get granted rights to keep in regular contact with his son even if he is a drug addict. He would also get legal aid as he is unemployed (you might not).

My ex is not a drug addict but has put measures in place that prevent me from moving away without getting into a lengthy (£10,000s) battle. He doesn't even see his son.

So take it from someone who has been there, if you are going to runaway do it NOW, it will be far more complicated once the child is born.

Unfortunately, most cocaine addicts have huge mood swings and can be that charming, sociable person when high but it's a different story when the drugs run out. I suspect you fell for that 'side' of him. He also sounds manipulative and bullying, and a liar.
Get out while you can. Your family will be supportive. Don't stay with him because you don't want your family to think you have failed in some way. You need to put your child and yourself first. He will be laughed out of court by the way.

You sound so unhappy, I hope you can break free and start a different life.

Sorry, cross post with MeMySon Your court battle with your ex sounds awful but I was trying to reassure the OP that her partner would not be granted main custody of the child as that is what he seems to be threatening.

I am in Canada. you all are making so much sense. the only people I have confided in is my family and they have all given the same advice. I just worried thinking maybe they were biased or taking my side cause I'm family, but to hear this from total strangers is very real. he has been my only person to be around out here other than at work, so I feel I just fell into the trap of being isolated and listening to all his crap. he just made me feel like I've been asking for the world when I really really haven't. it is such a mind game and I know I'm no good to myself or the baby if I'm in this state of mind. he's even told me I am not allowed to breastfeed cause it will make the baby a wuss. it doesn't make sense. I went into a department store yesterday and broke down crying when I looked at the baby stuff and just thinking how he won't have anything to do with it (hormones much l) I can't wait to be with my family, get a little job in my hometown and get things ready for the baby. my best friend back there is also pregnant and everyone just keeps telling me to come home and have a nice relaxing summer and enjoy this pregnancy. it's really what's been getting me through. I wish I could bring myself to hate my bf but there's always that part that holds onto loving him but lately I find it hard to even be around him. he is basically nice to me now either when he wants sex or when I am back at my place an hour away he is all love and kindness over text and the phone. I will never understand people like him

This won't get any better. Go home to your family now. I was mnetting the same sort of thing a few years ago and didn't act on the advice. He won't change. The 'stress' of having a baby will make it worse.

So do you want to be the person who takes themselves to hospital at 37 weeks with a banging headache and high blood pressure in the early hours only to be admitted for 3 days (he might visit you at some point l)!because your partner can't be arsed to get up to help you and shouts at you for waking him with your moaning?

No? Then how about being the new mum sobbing in the front room at 5am realising that all nights with a baby will be down to you because you can't trust him to take care of his own kid past 5pm.

Or getting ready for your first big trip home with a 5 week old, wrestling with a travel system that your partner promised he'd put together but has been down the pub since midday and couldn't put together a lock and key.

Still not appealing to you? How about seeing your toddler go crazy everytime you aren't in the same room as him because he has already realised how useless and unpredictable his Dad is.

Or finally can I tempt you with a messy separation and your partner saying with complete conviction that he's never been anything but a devoted Dad.

Please please leave now.

Oh YoJesse, my mom has said all the same things to me :( I just keep imagining that being life for the baby and I. he always talks about this person or that person being a dead beat dad but I can just picture this happening:( they seem to be all cut from the same cloth these types . I can just imagine going into labor out here and not having a soul with me other than the hospital staff :( thank u for sharing that with me . I'm glad you are in a better place now!

u8tv You need to start judging him on his actions, not his words. He will tell you what you want to hear when he wants something. It's bullshit.
Stay strong, there are plenty of us like YoJesse that can tell you a similar story. I wish someone could have given me a wake-up call like that when I was in a similar situation.
It's really hard to see it when you're in it and I think going away will give you some much needed perspective.

Listen to yojesse and look up her threads.

She is about 4 years on from where you are and dealing with monumental levels of shit due to her h's continued addiction issues and General terrible/inadequate/absent parenting. She has lived and is living your experience. It gets worse than where you are right now.

Go home, & enjoy the rest of your life, or, Stay put, & live with a manipulative, critical, idle, un supportive coke head.... hmmm let me think what I would choose.
Remember once you get away from him you will start to see clearly just how abusive he is.

OP, you don't need to wait until you stop loving him to make the move, if you are lucky you will get out of it hurt, if you are not, you will not be able to leave, as the big problem with abusive relationships is that they remove all the trust you have on yourself. At some point you will find yourself wanting to leave but by then you may not have the strength to do it anymore.

There are decisions you need to take with your head rather than your heart. This is one of them. You will love him for some time after you leave and will be sad about the whole issue, but after a few months you will look back and will wonder how on Earth you put up with him.

Leave while you can ( he might not get full custody but getting into that battle is a very painful process you may save your baby and yourself by leaving in time /now)

GET AWAY FROM HIM NOW!!!

I have had to do this from my baby-daddy (not much of a daddy considering i haven't heard from him since January and he's out most weekends shoving god-knows-what up his nose too).

You're early stages now, but believe me, the next few months will fly by. Make your plans for you and baby and don't listen to anything this idiot is saying. courts very rarely give custody to a father and based on his behaviour what magistrate in their right mind would give custody to an unemployed man who is on drugs? He needs a reality check. perhaps you moving out/back home would give him the kick-up-the-bum to realise he needs to buck up his ideas if he wants to be involved?

There's no guarantee that it will make him realise. It hasn't with my ex, but it might. The most important thing is that you get your life safe and as prepared as possible for when little one arrives. remember, as the months go by, you'll need more and more support and after baby you'll be full of hormones. don't let him make this experience negative or unsafe for you and baby in any way.

Please, stay safe
xx

I hope alls going ok and you've had a think about what everyone is posting. I feel hypocritical giving advice but have messaged you.

no need to feel hypocritical. just because you're in the situation doesn't mean your advice isn't valid. I would give the same advice to a friend. Haven't had a chance to message back cause of work but u will soon :)

Yojesse, your point of view is more valid because it is based on experience. If you live/have lived it and are saying get out, you are saying it because you know what you are facing, rather than those of us who can only judge and comment from outside.

What a nob.
You're not allowed to breast feed ??? Who made him King ??
So he would deny his child breast milk just to satisfy his ego. There is no way he would ever put the needs of a child above his wants, he obviously prioritises his relationship with drugs over anything and anybody else.
Get out now and don't look back

so sorry you are going through this....

Last thing you need is to have a baby with a coke freak...

Pretty much what everyone else has said - drugs and refusing to get a job? He's a waste of space and that's not going to change. You need to put yourself and your baby first now - you both deserve so much better than this. Go home to your family where you will have support and people you can rely on - because you are never going to be able to rely on him, and although being a single parent is no walk in the park, it will still be easier and so much less stressful without him. I don't know the law in Canada but I don't see any judge giving him the time of day in the unlikely event he takes you to court - that would involve him actually getting up off his arse, too much like hard work. Good luck with everything

I am truly sorry for you that you're going through this. But I think you're reaching that stage or hoping - imagining him to be someone he's not to soothe your own fears of being alone.
He sounds like a loser( sorry girls but sometimes this term is necessary) period!

He's not going to change at all and the more you let him have control it will be to the detriment of that poor child growing inside of you. His behaviour changes are because of cocaine abuse.

The love you have for this baby will be enough and your mom sounds wonderful! You have a job ✅ seems educated ✅ and learnt from the past ( about not allowing worthless men to steal your life) ✅.

Focus on the baby, your needs- your education and career are vital for your baby to succeed. Get away from him. Can you ask for child maintenance from him if he starts playing the biological sperm doner card?

Me being a bit lawyery here but I'm sure Canada have stalking statutes- if he threatened you or the baby- record it- go 2 the police/cops and get a protective order?

OP - run and run fast.

He is an addict and a liar and would be laughed out of any court in the land.

He can afford cocaine but can't buy his child a moses basket? Expecting you to do without while he indulges his drug habit and because he has unresolved issues from his upbringing is not on.

Let me assure you he won't suddenly smarten up when the baby is here. He has all the hallmark behaviours of a full on junkie in the making - seen it many times.

Get your plans in place and don't delay.

Hugs.

I'm having the same issue. We haven't been together long and it was a shock when I found out I was pregnant. He wasn't happy at first but soon came around to the idea and was the first to tell all of his family/friends. I know he has had
Issues with cannabis in the past but promised to stop. Since then he has admitted to taking speed and cocaine. He has, again, promised to stop (after a massive argument) but since then I have found out that he is taking prescription medication (not prescribed to him) even though I gave him an ultimatum. He doesn't seem to think this is an issue and proceeds to call me 'crazy' and 'hormonal'. He has been to my scan and first midwife but that's about as far as it goes... so far I've seen nothing and had no real support. I'm just not sure what
To do!

Go home, he's not going to smarten up. You already know you're doing the right thing!