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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

friends and family never invite us round

32 replies

treeagate · 08/05/2016 20:22

I met my husband at uni and moved 1 hours drive from my family to live with him near his family home and we have lived in the area now for 20 years. Both of my children go to out of catchment schools and I work about 30 minutes drive from home. My problem is that we seem to have few friends and never see any of them. Both my husband and I are easy going and well liked at work so I just don't know where we go wrong. I have a close friend but we go out about once every six months for a meal. We have tried inviting our friends over and had a big party when we were forty to which everyone came and had a fab time. That was 3 years ago and not one of them has ever invited us to anything else. I had a party for a few girlfriends last year and again everyone came and had a good time, but then the invite was never returned. I have even hooked up with old work mates but that lasted 1 evening and after then they always arranged a date when I couldn't attend.
My DH family never invite us over despite living close by and have even held birthday party's and not invited us! My mum is as we speak having a bbq with my brother and his family to which we were not invited.
I am starting to feel very low as everyone is out socialising except us - where am I going wrong?

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 09/05/2016 07:46

Is your brothers family closer (distance) to your parents? TBH if my mum told me that my brother and family were coming over for a bbq on a sunny Sunday afternoon and we didn't have other plans then I'd say that we'd come over and join them, but then we only live 15 mins away.

We don't do much socialising with other people although DP goes out with an old friend for a curry most weeks.

I see my closest friend after school every few weeks with all our kids, at one point it was a couple of times a week but life gets busier. I see another close friend, again with kids, for a meet up on most school holidays. Both only live in the next village so it isn't distance.

Apart from that we have a meal with some of his old friends once or twice a year, he saw a lot more of them when he was with his ex, and have been out with one of my school mum friends and partner once.

We do however see family. Both my parents and his mum live about 15 mins away, we see my parents at least fortnightly and he pops in to see his mum most days (although that's mostly caring). His sister and cousin are often at his mum's (every few months) and we will go over for a meal when they are.

The difference probably is that we are happy with this.

I didn't really socialise much when I was with exH either. TBH work friendships were enough for me and outside of that just having exH and then the kids around was enough. I did find on maternity leave I was more lonely, but that's when I met the two good friends mentioned above.

DP and exW socialised much much more but when I've asked him he says mainly it was because it wasn't good when they were just home together and being out with other people was better.
It's the same with holidays, he and exW always used to go away with other friends and families, we only ever go away on our own or with the kids and the one time we went with SIL & BIL (just adults) I wanted space and time on our own.

If you aren't happy about it you need to do something about it. Friendship and people aren't going to come to you, you have to go out there and grab it.

My mum and dad moved 200 miles to be near me when I had kids, my mum went out and joined things - WI, local pantomime group (she had no interest at all in performing but helped with the costumes), local village magazine, took up bowls and really enjoys it, helped with a new village centre and is now a governer at the village school and on the parish council.
My dad does almost nothing and nearly everyone they know is through my mum.
She never seems to be home!
I was talking to her about it the other day and age said she felt she had to get out there because she is basically lazy and if she didn't then she would just be at home doing nothing and knowing no one, and when you work and have kids your life is full and that's OK, but she was retired in a new place and would be lonely and bored doing nothing all the time.

My DP is dying and won't be with me for all that much longer. While the life we have and the future we planned together was enough for us, it won't be enough for me on my own. I don't need lots of people but I do need a few, close, people. I know that in time I'll have to get out there, much like my mum did when she moved.

If what you have is enough then embrace and enjoy it, if it isn't then do something about it.

SBSparkles · 09/05/2016 08:01

I could have written a very similar post myself! I think it's our age ( I'm guessing your 30s?) it seems that no one really wants to do anything anymore and has become set in their ways. I got so frustrated with family not being arsed about me that I got really upset. I then realised there's no point as its only me who suffers so I joined some groups/craft clubs (whatever floats your boat) and tried to make friends and get out that way. There's also a great app called 'meetup ' which is full of people like us - people who want to socialise! Maybe drop a hint to your family when you're not invited and say 'oh I'd really like to come and see you more/to your bbqs'. In my experience people are odd, most people are ultimately selfish but I'm sure they all love you all the same. Hope this helps! Oh and I started volunteering within the community. You can still love your family but start to build your own network outside of that. Don't rely too much on old friends - they are often too preoccupied!

Rosenwyn1985 · 09/05/2016 08:11

I know this sounds a strange thing to say but I've discovered making new friends is a lot like dating. You have to be brave, put yourself out there and be prepared for rejection.

However, a lot of people don't like to do it. I moved a couple of years ago, just after our first child. Not far, but I don't drive and it really showed who was serious about staying in touch (a total of three people). The flip side is I've really put myself out there and made some great friends. I've joined every group, and not been afraid to ask for numbers. Some people have been quite taken aback. Most have said they were relieved I asked as they didn't know how!

So if you want friends, go out and get them!

IfTheCapFitsWearIt · 09/05/2016 08:15

I don't think an hour away is far if you have car. Just be more spontaneous, go visit your parents more often, I can understand the "it just happened BBQ thing" as sounds like your brother was already visiting or had said he would be visiting, so they just made the most of the weather and them been there. Which is why if you do the same it will probably happen too.

RaeSkywalker · 09/05/2016 08:32

I'm trying to think how we got into the groups we socialise with now!

  • my parents usually just text me and ask if they can pop over for a cuppa- we do the same to them. We're only a 10 minute drive away but it might be worth trying with your parents? Or meeting at a pub half way for lunch?
  • most of our active socialising is through DH's sports club. There are organised club socials like quiz nights, and through those we've made friends that we see for drinks/ days out/ BBQs, etc.
  • I'm lucky that a lot of my school friends live in the area still. I probably see them once every couple of months- it's difficult to co-ordinate diaries.
  • my uni course friends are dotted about so we tend to organise (using a doodle poll to find a date) a big meet up in London about 3 times a year
  • DH's uni friends are a 4 hour drive away. We alternate hosting for a weekend and probably see them about 4 times year.
  • one of my best friends is someone I really get on with at work, but felt awkward about asking if she wanted to meet up outside work. One day we had a horrendous day and I just said I fancied going out for a drink and a pizza, and asked if she would like to come.

I think with seeing 'old' friends you really have to put the effort I and be persistent. Everyone is busy so it's not that they don't want to see us, it's that none of us are free at the same time! With your family I'd suggest trying to change the pattern and start suggesting spontaneous meet-ups.

Dakin1 · 09/05/2016 08:33

18 months ago we moved to a new city knowing nobody so I have had to make friends. It didn't happen overnight but I have some close friends now. I joined local groups and reliably went to every meeting even though I was massively shy. Rather than focus on making lots of friends I got to know one or two women quite well, then met up for coffee a few times.

You have to be proactive, arrange the days with people not expecting them to be proactive in return. Once we had had a few coffees I invited them round for lunch with their partners... Once you have had a couple of drinks with people it seems to seal the bond.

I would suggest arranging something with your DP then texting family / friends and saying 'we are having a picnic / BBQ / lunch tomorrow at ** stop by if you are free it would be great to see you' keep it light and casual. If people don't turn up, try again the next week. If people still don't respond after 2 or 3 attempts there must be another underlying issue.

IfTheCapFitsWearIt · 09/05/2016 09:07

I agree with datkin1 you decide to do something as a family either at home or going out, them text people and askif they want to join you, no pressure on them they have too.

I've had to start afresh in a new place a few times, and this has been what I've done.

You will always find that a few people, are quite self-sufficient in that they have always already filled there weekend with plans, and you just have to accept that. But you will find the majority people have weekends were they have run out of ideas, so when you text with a nice casual get together, they'll be up for it. Sometimes nobody is available, but then next time, you have someone or a few joining you.

Friendships can take time to grow, but you have to be causal, relaxed and approachable (not saying you aren't)

The first time I moved it took 2 years to develop a close friendship, when I left 3 years after that, I had a whole host of friends, people who'd just pop in for a coffee on there way somewhere, quiz night teams, crafting friends, weekly wine nights, once these casual friendships developed, we then had the BBQ invites, house party, bIrthday invites.

I've been in my current home 3 years, and have a few close friends now, but it was hard and took time. I've not put the same effort in this time round though.

Yesterday we went to the beach, I know if I had texted one of them to say where we were going they would have come too.

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