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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How can I pack my green eyed monster in? I'm

16 replies

Kiwiblue02 · 08/05/2016 17:53

Things are actually pretty good with me and my partner now, but now I feel I'm just ruining it myself, because I'm so damn insecure.

My partner has a very demanding, stressful job in care. He's also a workaholic. It's 24/7, so if he's not in the office he's on call. He's also the only man. So all the calls he gets at home, late, morning whatever, it's always a woman texting or calling. I try very hard to not get annoyed about it and be supportive, occasionally though I do get frustrated. Like when he says he'll be back at 8, he's still in the office at 9. And granted, from I have never heard him talk on the phone with them about anything apart from work.

But I still hate it. Always on the phone with some woman. Normally I never say a word but now I can't help being so angry inside.

He's just started training a new girl in the office, and obv because he's showing her the ropes, they spend a lot of time together at work. He even said he's never spent this much time with someone at work, but he is literally mentoring her. She calls him for help as well out of
Hours, and he gladly obliges because he has to. Also because it's a 24/7 job where people's lives are on the line, he can't ignore her. They've gone for drinks together twice in the last two months, albeit only one or two drinks and he still comes home to me. But I hate it. I looked her up on fb. She's younger than me, stunning, tall. And I can't help but feel threatened. He's just with her all the time at work, and I know he has to be. He wants to help her.

Like now he's finally got someone at work who understands what he does, someone he can relate to - I feel threatened. I work in an art gallery. I feel like I'm not one of them. And I worry that because sometimes I do get sad when he works from 5am to 11pm and I miss him and say something, he'll be like "oh my colleague understands my busy schedule, maybe I should be with her"

I know this sounds ridiculous and I
Know I'm being psycho but I'm finding myself questioning everything he does when she calls. I tried talking about it with him, how I feel and he says things won't change, I have to deal with my insecurity. Help :(

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 08/05/2016 18:05

You do sound very insecure. Do you know where that comes from?

gamerchick · 08/05/2016 18:09

I dunno, my spidey senses would be tingling if he said shit like that to me.

He doesn't need to go for drinks or say he should be with he because she understands.

Have you met her yet?

Original poster

Kiwiblue02 · 08/05/2016 18:13

If I'm honest, I guess my insecurity comes from the fact that I found he had screenshots of a female best friend on his phone, and I worry she's the next close friend. He lied about their friendship. I don't feel good enough.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kiwiblue02 · 08/05/2016 18:14

He didn't say he would rather be with her. I'm scared that's what he's thinking.

OP posts:

FuckThisandThat · 08/05/2016 18:15

he'll be like "oh my colleague understands my busy schedule, maybe I should be with her"

No wonder you're feeling insecure!

Original poster

Kiwiblue02 · 08/05/2016 18:15

And no, he keeps work separate so I'll never meet her.

OP posts:

FuckThisandThat · 08/05/2016 18:15

X post

goddessofsmallthings · 08/05/2016 19:03

sometimes I do get sad when he works from 5am to 11pm and I miss him and say something, he'll be like "oh my colleague understands my busy schedule, maybe I should be with her

And this insensitive twat man works in the 'care' industry?

Next time he comes out with a line like that tell him to take his chances with her because you don't understand why he chooses to work all hours unless, of course, his colleagues are as incompetent as he is.

FFS ditch him. He's bamboozled you into believing that his work is more important than yours because he has a deep need to feel more important than others, but he's nothing but a poseur who is far from having, or being, a well-rounded personality.

pocketsaviour · 08/05/2016 19:17

OP's post was a little confusing, but her DP hasn't said that. She's just imagining he's going to.

I'm a bit concerned about your other issues though OP. Do you want to say what happened with this previous best friend who he had screenshots of (I assume you mean he'd saved photos from her Facebook or Insta to his phone - which is fucking creepy, frankly - and not just photos of them on social occasions?)

Akire · 08/05/2016 19:21

To be fair if he works in care it's going be 99% of women so if you can't handle him talking other women it's not going work.

However if he's that busy and you never see him how come he's had time do drinks twice in last month with someone ? That dosnt add up can see why you would be annoyed

LoveFromUs · 08/05/2016 19:21

No wonder you're feeling insecure, he shouldn't have screen shots of her on his mobile phone, and you ARE good enough never tell yourself you're not!!

Original poster

Kiwiblue02 · 08/05/2016 20:10

Sorry my post was confusing. Basically I'm paranoid he's gonna find her much more interesting as he spends so much time with her at work that he'll end up wanting her.

He ended up blocking his other friend out his life after I found out.

OP posts:

merville · 08/05/2016 20:31

I'm pretty secure in my relationship and I would not be ok with my husband going for drinks - even 1 or 2 - with a female work colleague on their own (I take it it was on their own).
Likewise the female best friend thing - what kind of screenshots? Lied about their friendship, how?

(As an aside I wouldn't worry so much about the work in common thing - someone could be just as glad to have a partner who is a break & relief from work).

LineyReborn · 08/05/2016 20:34

So you're imagining he's thinking maybe I should be with her ?

goddessofsmallthings · 08/05/2016 20:38

Anyone who makes you feel "not good enough" is not good enough to be in your life.

Even those whose skills can truly be said to save lives aren't on call 24/7 365 days a year and I'd be mighty sceptical of anyone who claims they can't be separated from their phone long enough to enjoy uninterrupted downtime from the stresses of a demanding job.

I get the feeling his man is an incubus who's draining your self-esteem to feed his own ego and I suggest you look for a guy who's not into bigging himself up at your emotional expense.

pocketsaviour · 08/05/2016 20:59

Honestly goddess I've worked in care services and the expectation is that you are available 24/7/365. All the way from care workers right up to directors. The year I spent working in this industry (at a fairly senior level) was the most stressful I've ever had. Never before have I been made to feel guilty for only working 16 hours a day and not answering emails in my sleep! Not to mention to constant guilt trips reminders that if you don't answer the phone, you could potentially be responsible for someone not getting care, possibly fatally.

It's also made me absolutely determined to be able to afford private care when the time comes for me (which please god will not be until I've made the century, at least.)

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