What to think?

[freeish]

I was having a conversation with my partner earlier about a family activity planned for the morning. He does not want to do it as he doesn't want to get up in the morning. I said I thought it was important as my DS is keen and this is the only activity he is interested in and we should support him. We have been attending as a family for four weeks. My partner said that I can't expect him to feel the same way about my son as I do as he is not his biological father and never will be. We have been in a relationship for 5 years and living together for nearly a year. He couldn't understand why I was upset. My son is 12 and his biological father has never really bothered with him. I had hoped for more from my partner. I thought we were being a family. Am I wrong to be upset? He said he loves my son but will never feel for him like he would his own son. (He doesn't have any children of his own). My son is lovely. I feel devastated. Am I over reacting?

I don't think it is OK to voice everything you "feel" in the moment. That particular one is hard to come back from, especially as it was said in the context of a relatively trivial conversation about being not arsed to get up early at the weekend.

... and what Joysmum said

.... and lots of other people.

Spectacularly insensitive and unecessary

You can't really expect him to feel for another mans child like his own, just be grateful that he loves your son, I would say you're over reacting.

To be honest I can sort of get where he is coming from, be it that he didn't word it well.

Well there was a MNer on here recently whose partners kids came every weekend and the partner expected her to get up and join in with activities etc and whilst she said yes to some; felt it unnecessary and wanted her lie in - after all she doesn't have kids and wants to enjoy the freedom that affords.

She was supported by 99% of replies.

So I'm going to say that no, he shouldn't be expected to get up and tag along on something that you and your son do - is it a case of you watching his activity or is it a join in thing?

He doesn't have kids. You do.

He worded it badly and probably chose a rubbish time to talk about it. But I do get where he is coming from.

My DM was part of a step family. No contact with her bio mum. Step mum married mum's dad when mum was 8, taking on 3 sc. SM and gdad then had 2 dc. I spent my childhood hearing my mum's SM proclaiming how she loved all of her dc the same. How she loved all.of her dgc the same. It was bollocks. She treated her bio family and step family very different but could never accept the situation. The family was all built on lies. When she died, the family imploded. I wish there had been a much greater level on honesty and acceptance.

Who chose this activity as a family bonding experience?

He shouldn't have let you move in if he wasn't prepared to be a family with you, and your son.

But... your comment about your son needing a father - it just doesn't sit quite right with me.

On the one hand, I do think he shouldn't be with you if he's not prepared to be involved.

But on the other hand - it sounds forced. Like your priority is to find a father to make up for his missing one.

I think of my fiancé as becoming a family member for my daughter - not becoming a father for her.

Sounds like he works 5 days a week and you work 2. I wouldn't want to be getting up early every weekend to go to an activity I didn't want to do.

Have you explained why you wanted to do it? Does he know it's about bonding? Does he agree that's necessary? It may be he would commit to it if you both saw it as a necessary step. But why do you? You already said that your son really likes his stepdad. So if the family time is because you want to push a bond the other way, your boyfriend to your son, then the most effective way isn't pushing your boyfriend into something he doesn't want to do.

I know you've been with him 5 years, but you've only moved in once your son was 11. You can't drop an 11 year old in and expect everyone to feel like father and son. I think you need to adjust your expectations because they can have a LOVELY relationship anyway.

Oh and... why have you made yourself financially dependent on him?

Sorry an early Sunday morning set up 'family bonding' activity doesn't sound very appealing, even when it is your own family. I think you need to be realistic.

Isn't he already bonded to you both? You're talking about getting married, you live together, you moved to be with him. I'm not sure why he has to be involved in every single thing. I have one main hobby, as does my DH, but neither of us join in with the other. I quite like having my own hobby in which he has no part, we're not the Borg, we have separate likes/dislikes.

I treasure my lie ins, I wouldn't be getting up to do a bonding hobby on a Sunday, given I work full time.

I understand why you're upset, but I n't think its a deal breaker. Let him have some peace and realise that your DP loves you both, but your DS isn't his world, you are.

My son and I have had years of it just being me and him. He needs a father.

This is where I think you're going wrong. He's not his father. He won't ever be. He's at most going to be a step-father if you get married in future. He's only been involved with him for 1 year, it's far too soon for him to have developed anywhere near the sort of intensity of feelings towards him that you have, he probably won't ever. I think you need to accept that, you can't just substitute in another father just because his biological one was a disappointment. A fondness for your DS is probably all you can realistically expect at the moment.

Having said that, I still think it wouldn't kill him to make an effort to go to the activity if your DS (not you) really wants him there and he doesn't have anything else planned.

Well after all that he got up and came with us... Changed his mind apparently. It is an activity we all join in with, learning something new. It was my son's idea but we all agreed to do it as a family. If my partner had just said last night that he really didn't fancy coming this morning and wanted a lie in it would not have been such a big deal. It was the lecture about why he would never love my son like a child of his own that hurt. And it was totally uneccessary. The first thing he said to me this morning is that I have completely over reacted. It would have been nice if he had at least tried to understand my feelings. I guess it's time to massively lower my expectations. But we did talk about all this before we moved in and this is not how he said it would be. cabrinha we both sold our previous homes to chip in and buy a nicer one together but I would never get another mortgage in my own right on my income now so kind of more financially dependent. And committed. Thank you to all who have taken the time to reply.

I hope your house purchase has you and your son legally protected, freeish. I too found that your 'needs a father' comment is something that you can't force even though you're desperately trying to.

You say that 'this' isn't how your partner said it would be? How did he tell you it would be?

If he's good and kind to your child then surely that's one of the reasons that you're with him. He may never be a dad to your son, freehish but if decent and kind is a default, then it's good enough, isn't it?

Yes he is decent and kind. In a laid back hands off sort of way. I will try to be grateful for that.

Its like an earthquake isn't it when your partner/spouse says something that just shatters your entire world view and you're left totally disorientated while they turn over and go to sleep
I think that maybe it happens in all relationships, I've certainly had a couple of those moments where I've done a serious reevaluation of the relationship while he's been more or less unaware of the effect he's had. there's been a clear before
Is this a big deal? I don't honestly know.
My DH once told me that he didn't feel the same bond I did to our babies and I could understand that. He's a great dad, but for him the bonding was a slow growth. I don't think that's wrong.
I'm a childminder and as much as I try hard to be kind to the kids in my care it's a huge effort compared to the natural bond with my own kids. For instance It's easy to keep track of who's who in my kids life but I have to concentrate to say the right things to other people's kids. I don't think I'd be a good candidate for adopting.
But a friend of mine recently remarried a man who I would describe as being just as committed to becoming the father of her son, as he is to becoming her husband. She was married before to a man who also was not her sons biological dad, and made it clear (even to a five year old) that he wasn't interested in being his father. It was horrible and absolutely horrendous to have to watch the train helplessly from the sidelines as that train wreck unfolded.. She's now dealing with a serious illness and the new man is absolutely fantastic with her son, exactly as if he was his real father. I know he's the ideal more than the norm.

One of the things that struck me in your posts was your comment about your DP's laziness and this seems to be an extension of it. Or it could be the other way round and his laziness might be a manifestation of the level of commitment to your family? To use my friends example again the first husband was never bothered to fix anything round the house or put himself out for the long term benefit of the family. The new DH does up the house etc, brings the son to hobbies and picks him up from friends etc because he's clearly invested in a family and a future.

I suppose what I'm getting at is that when you get over the gut wrenching shock of what he said, you might find a sense of your own perspective on what he has expressed and then look at the bigger picture too. Don't knee jerk but take time to really see him and your family before making any decisions.

Amy

I like your post

It's what I was thinking

I think it's strange, and crass of him to say that to justify what was basically a bit of laziness.

I wouldn't necessarily believe that he didn't care about the son 9the think that has undersrstandably upset the OP., but I would be a bit about the insensitivity of say that about this subject.

If he's not normally a crass person, I'd be wondering about what he is unconsciously communicating by saying that

IYSWIM

I suspect that saying you were hypersensitive is his way of covering up he actually feels guilty for saying it.
As for the whole father think - let it grow. If you've only been living together then all three of you are still getting used to it!