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[shellback]

I need advice realting to my FIL. Writing this sounds petty now but it annoys me when it happens. Whenever he sees my DD he is quite intense with her always geeing her up (which is ok when she is playing but if it is near bed time it causes me trouble in getting her settled) but the other day I needed to go out and I asked my FIL to look after my DD for an hour or so. When I came back my DD reached out towards me but my FIL kept her in his arms - it was really sad but then when he was holding her he sort of kissed but more sucked her ear. He is an affectionate charater but I found it inappropriate but I felt myself shrinking but welling in anger. I have suffered from PNT. My relationship with my partner is OK but has had its moments over the year. When ever I have spoken directly to my FIL my partner asks that I go through him! Is ear sucking ok???am I being over sensitive? Think FIL is just a bit insensitive and hasnt really got much of a clue - I know his heart is in the right place and I wouldnt mind so much if he actually listened. I could go on there are LOADS of niggles but this one is the tip!!!Both my partner and FIL are quite competitive in different ways and to be honest I dont warm to my FIL so he maybe doomed from the start....please help.My DD is 6months old and he paid no interest in the pregnancy has helped very little up until DD was born, now he feels it is his right but I feel he doesnt even know me and how my partner and I want things done.My Mother is travelling and is unable to help at the moment (very sad for us both)My partner's mother is deseased so he is the only grandparent about. Im going to stop as I could go on and on.....

she is your dd.if something doesnt feel right/comfortable to you,then it isnt right.i'm not saying it wasnt an innocent sign of affection,but i am a great believer in trusting your motherly instincts.if you feel you need more support,you can go to your hv to find out if theres anything in your area to help.

Makes me cross just thinking about him doing that but I am ultra stressed so maybe not the best person to listen too.

can i ask what is making you cross ?

are you concerned he will treat her inappropraitely?

abuse her?

or that he is propriatorial about your dd by not handing her over ?

how was your relationshi with him before dd was born ? how do you mean - didnt warm to him is he very different from your dp ?what does your dp feel about this ( as she is his dd too ) ?

how old is your dd?

Ty Divastrop I will ask HV - she was aware of situation as she helped when I was feeling really low when DD was 3-4 months. Thing is, I do feel strongly about it. maybe he did it with his children but it is his grandchild....NAB3, thank you too - made me angry and it happened over a week ago, still annoys me. He wouldnt do it if she was older or a teenager why when she is incapable of getting away! I know it was over affection and I dont mind it he kisses her but the ear thing is a bit slimey.....I have to tread carefully with partner as he doesnt always see my point of view or doesnt think it is a problem.

lemonstartree - DD is 6m. Dont think for a moment he will abuse her in anyway. It is not on that level. No i didnt like the fact he lacked sensitivity to DD when both he and I could see she wanted to say hello and give me a cuddle and he kept on holding her.....
My realtionship with FIL wasnt anything really - I say FIL, my partner and I are not married. He never played a huge part before. Partner and i have been together 3 years. Not sure I really respect him that much. Did strange things with his other grandchild (no mine) like kissing tongues when he was 8months or so. It is almost as if he is an overgrown child himself.....

Yes he is VERY diffent from dp. I do make an effort with him but I do feel quite guarded, have had reason to mistrust him (nothing to do with DD)wish he would listen to what I say at times.He is quite full of himself for no real reason.

kissing tongues?

i think,quite rightly,you dont feel comfortable with him around your dd.he sounds weird and if it were me i would err on the side of caution and not leave her with him again.shes too young to defend herself or to tell you if she isnt happy.

divastrop - not french style! but as child poked tongue out he would too and they would touch tounges - I said at the time - as I was pregnant with DD - 'you wont be doing that with my daughter!' and my partner told him it was disgusting. It is wierd though.

have always wanted to keep him at arms length but aware at the same time he is the gp.....

Bleurgh. No. Sucking the ear is horrid.

And give the child back to her mother! Why would he not give her back when she wanted to go to you? I can understand your disquiet about this. I'd have said something simple like, "Come here baby. I haven't seen you for ages!"

If you're not happy, trust your gut instinct and don't leave her with him again. And gently assert yourself. You can get what you want without being rude.

ewww.that is so not right.my ex-p's mum was a total fruitcake and didnt know what day it was half the time,and xp expected me to trust her with my babiesi refused point blank to let her look after them when they were little.i got a few slaps off xp for that but looking back im glad i did the right thing cos something could have happened to them whilst in her care.i dread to think.

you dont have to leave your baby with anybody if it makes you feel uncomfortable.and i wouldnt leave a baby with a man who sucks ears and touches tongues