Fiancé - online adult websites etc

[SunshineYellow715]

I stumbled across my DP's 'private' email account yesterday. Had no idea he had it. It had just one email registering for an adult website which is predominantly pay for webcam/phone by the minute.

I was shocked. Really devastated. So I'm not proud but I went though his phone and found a few naked photos of girls spread over the length of our relationship... The most heartbreaking was a few close up face shots. They seem so personal.

I've always trusted him completely. I'm so naive im not even sure if this counts as cheating. Do i confront him? Its been 24hrs since the photos and I'm dying inside. confront him. Is there anyway this is innocent? Should I dig further? Can I do anything more? Is there anyway this doesn't ruin our whole relationship? I'm scared.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, the bit where he blamed you got my back up... in case you couldn't tell lol.

Book yourself a holiday would be my first bit of practical advice

You've dodged a bullet there and I think you know it . But that's doesn't mean it won't hurt like hell .

I'm sorry for your loss. Not the loss of that lying cheating scumbag but for the loss of your dreams and hopes for your future together.

Are you getting support from your friends and family ? How much of the story have you told them ?

Is he still living in the house that you both own ?

It is the best outcome- he won't change and your life will be better. Because I have been through this.

I left my husband after 10 years for similar reasons, he was on an adult website. He minimised and lied and his responses did not always make sense at the time. But I was invested given the length of our marriage and I stayed. But he never meant to hurt me and wouldn't do it again.

Six months later I found his still very active fake fb profile doing very similar things. Of course again he lied and minimises etc etc. But he had that account for around 8 years.

He never admitted or found out the reason, went to a therapist only twice. So obviously something he never wanted to stop doing.

I questioned everything in my marriage, everything he did and didn't do. I could do no wrong in his eyes and if I did he forgave me instantly. I now think it wasn't love, it was his guilt. That has eaten me up inside.

I left and am nearly divorced now and never been happier. I am nearly 40 but I have so much peace and hope and happiness in my life now.

Count your lucky stars, leave him and find a good man. Don't beg him back and don't go if he begs for your return. He and the life you will have with him are not worth it.

Thank you for all your replies. My friends and family are being brilliant. But I'm worried about overly relying on them. I've been feeling so strong and so angry and so determined. But tonight is the first time that I really just miss him so much it hurts. I miss the life we were supposed to have. And I miss the person he used to be. And I wish so much that the old him would just walk through the door and hold me and make everything ok again.

I'm so scared tonight. So scared of never having that connection with anyone again. And scared of being alone.

How did you find peace and happiness GummyBear?

LateForEverything - rereading your post has at least stopped me calling him!! You're rihht about not wanting to call a phone with those awful photos on it.

Kr1stina - I've told the closest people everything. But its so difficult to explain and I can't cope with the judgement. He seems to be telling a very different story and wants us to be friends. So I keep forgetting what actually happened.

ConcretePants - how are you getting on? Maybe you've hit the 5 week wall that I have too! I hope you're ok xx

Sorry you're struggling tonight OP. You ARE strong but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It just means you can handle the pain.

So he wants to be friends? LOL. You have no ties to this dickhead, so feel no compunction about blocking him completely. Block his phone number, his email, social media, and tell friends "It's really still quite painful, so I'd rather we don't talk about him. How are you?"

It's very hard to get over someone when you're still in contact. NC brings clarity.

Stay strong xx

The more time you waste on him, theobger you are keeping yourself from the person you're supposed to be with.

I absolutely promise you, years from now you'll absolutely shudder, shudder at how close you came to marrying a dirty little creep. And then forget about him again & enjoy your life with your husband, who loves, respects & cherishes you.
Just keep the chin up, I know it hurts but you're meant for better than him.

X

**the longer

"He seems to be telling a very different story and wants us to be friends. So I keep forgetting what actually happened."

Don't let him gaslight you. He created a fake email, used it to register for web cam girls, and had photos on his phone from the length of your relationship. Don't let him spin it.

He was too ashamed to face up to the truth so he ended it. That's the best gift - your freedom from him.

You would have married a cheater.

Look forward to a brighter future with him in the rear view mirror.

Ok. Tonight's panic has subsided a bit and hopefully I can start sleeping better again this week.

PocketSaviour - we own a house so we'll have to be in touch to deal with that. I'd like to go NC and I'm trying. But I'm also worried I'll look like I'm being unkind. It's also tough as I keep forgetting he isn't my best friend anymore!!

Thank you SassyPants and Sandy. I really hope I can find a way to live and be happy on my own. And not just survive. I'm 30 now. And I so hope there will be someone better for me. But I really do want to learn to be happy just myself first. I hope I can find a way.

Puff42 - I think I need a poster saying that just to keep reminding me!!!