Please help - on the brink of a divorce

[TheMD]

To keep a long story short (ish) - DH and I got married last year after 3 years together and are quite well-matched in some ways but have now drifted so far apart that I'm considering divorce. A few things have cropped up or gotten worse since the wedding, like his need to be left alone and not do anything after work (and yet he wants to have a child!), treating me like a housemate - we both have quite low sex drives but he's literally always too tired and doesn't show any affection which doesn't make me feel great. Last time we had sex was on our honeymoon. We tried a few months ago; he couldn't get an erection but has not seen a doctor about it. I can't think about spending the rest of my life with someone who doesn't want me that way.

He also refuses to apologise for anything - from little things to big stuff like embarrassing me and being very rude in front of my friend. I am quite a gentle person and probably apologise a little too much but his inability to do it really bothers me.

I feel like he wants to stay with me because he doesn't want to deal with the fallout of telling his family, friends, looking for a new home etc. In all our conversations about the current situation, he hasn't told me he wants to stay because he loves me once. I appreciate that romantic feelings fade in long-term relationships but shouldn't we at least want to be around each other? If this is the rest of our lives now, I feel really sorry for us both.

Sorry for the essay! I guess I'm looking for some opinions on whether falling out of love is reason enough to get a divorce?

When all's said and done does it really matter what other people think??
This is your life, not theirs, they don't have to live with him like they're in a brother and sister relationship.
Thankfully you haven't got any children with him because it is SO much harder when they are involved.
You are young. Time goes too quickly. Don't waste any more on him because you will only live to regret it.
Understandably you are ripping the plaster off slowly, but once it's off you will be free to find someone who cares about you and loves you properly.

KeepCool - thank you. I dont feel like I'm that young but I realise I'm not getting younger by not resolving this and being in limbo.

He's not all bad. I keep coming back to that in my head. Although the way he's treated me these last few weeks, honestly I can't find it in me to be even friendly with him. I know it sounds like I'm blaming him for everything; I'm not perfect either. But I can't help feeling how I feel.

I will also say that you can project a certain message about how disappointed you are the marriage ended. You can control the optics to a certain extent through private messages to people on Facebook letting the news out etc. You can let people read between the lines that he was not the husband you thought you walked back down the aisle with.

Tbh I strongly suspect he will be side eyed by people more than you with two sad ex wives left behind him at the age of 34.

I'm sure he is not all bad, no one is. It's just some people really shouldn't be in relationships and this situation is making you very unhappy.

With regard to your friends, reverse the situation: how would you feel if one of them felt too guilty to leave and wasted years on a bad marriage because of the lovely effort you and others had put in on her wedding day? I am sure you would much rather they had left and feel terrible that they hadn't.

Sometimes you can be too nice for your own good.

It is surprising that he didn't learn anything from his first marriage in respect of this.
He sounds like a loner, relationship-wise (I think a lot of men are), and it's probably so deep-rooted that he will always be like this.

Yeah I say that in recent discussions he has not once says he is with you because he loves you. Did you tell him that you loved him? Not once have you said you love him on this thread.

You seem to be saying that he is only staying with you to avoid the hassle etc of divorce, but in the same breath you say that you are worried about letting people down as being a reason you don't want to break up.

It seems to me that this a marriage that is all but over. However you seem keen to convince yourself and others that it is because of him, because he doesn't love you. Whereas from this thread I would say the case is that neither of you are very keen on each other.

That's a fair comment and I did say earlier on that we'd fallen out of love with each other. I just guess that my doing so was at least partially caused by his inability to love me like a husband should love his wife. I told him I loved him all the time before this most recent upset. I wouldn't say my friends and family are the reason for not wanting a divorce but I am very aware of how emotionally invested other people are in us as a couple. I am too but I'm also trying to put my emotional health first (because nobody else is going to do that for me) and decide whether all that emotion is worth staying in a platonic marriage forever.

But your comment was fair - I am a massive people pleaser and want to avoid blame, deserved or not. I see that.

I know it must be very hard for you in all the respects you mention, and equally you can only do things in your own time when you are ready.
Please be aware that people become conditioned to not good situations and before long it becomes their norm.
I wish you all the luck in the world x

Thank you, KeepCool - I'll need all the good vibes I can get! I see what you're saying about being conditioned to less than great circumstances - I saw that at home growing up and have felt it in the last couple of months in my own marriage. It was only when a friend I confessed in recently expressed surprise at how long my husband and I hadn't been getting along, when I realised I'd normalised it in my head. We should've had it out and not go to bed until it was resolved.

I've been away from the house for 2 days and I can breathe easier already. I dread going back on Monday.

DH said "He's gay"

Perhaps he's not, perhaps he's asexual, perhaps he has a very low libido.

No sex for a year after only 2 years together... at your ages, clearly an issue with his ex wife too...

Random - that has crossed my mind although I haven't asked him. He's from a family that probably wouldn't tolerate that sort of an admission very well either.

I think that could be bang on the money then don't you?

He desperately needs to be accepted by his family and being married helps that. I don't mean that it's a conscious decision on his part he may very well be in huge denial!

It might well be, Random. It's sad if that's the case although I don't feel like I can (or want to, let's be honest) approach him with this right now. I think he's genuinely upset about this marriage not working out too.