To hate my life... how can I move past it?

[Sunshinegirl2]

Hey all,

I'm depressed, I'm fed up of where my life is at the moment.

All DD's dad ever did was to continue to use me, abuse me and is a shit dad to DD. He recently told me that he doesn't want anything to do with DD (as he suspected I was seeing other men as I kept refusing to see him) and has blocked me from contacting him.

DD has special needs (6) and It's hard when it's me just taking care of her by myself. She has awful tantrums daily and the public just seem to laugh and gawp at her when she has her moments. Even the people, who don't know DD and I, but we see out in our daily routine, are always watching and waiting for DD to act out.

I'm 22 and I'm nearing the end of my degree, but what's the point in continuing with my studies? I don't know if DD would ever be Independent and I may have to be her full time carer.

I just look at other peoples lives that seem happy on the outside and I think... Why can't that be me?

What's the point in going on in life? I just feel like giving up. I cry everyday and I don't know if this can go on.

You won't like this. Stop being a victim.

Your glass is half full, not half empty.

More to post, later.

OP, at 22 you're still very young. As you say, it is not clear yet whether your DD will be able to be independent, but at the age she is she would not be for a good 10 years anyway, i.e. you'd have a child at home for the next 10 years, wouldn't you? Finish your degree, get settled into your new profession, and a lot might happen: you might meet someone else; have other children. It sounds a commonplace (but commonplaces tend to be true, you know), life is still ahead of you.

I would finish your degree as it gives you something else to think about. Your daughter will have a school or college place until she is at least 16 and probably 18 which will give you some time to do other things at least for the next few years. Are there any support groups near you for carers of children with disabilities that you could join or at least internet support groups? Your GP may be able to help with antidepressants for you and support for your DD

Bit harsh sleeping, even if it's tough love.

OP, keep studying. You never know what's round the corner.

Thank you all, there are places for parents with special needs children to go to, but often they clash with my university schedule. But I do try occasionally to attend.

But I guess everything at the moment is draining. Being going out in public when everyone seems to gawp and judge DD and I isn't helping also.

Ignore them. And read other threads on parenting - EVERYONE feels judged as a parent, it's not just you. Honestly.

Develop a very thick skin about the gawping. Ignore. Caring about it doesn't help you or your dd.

I think you are admirable. You had your dd at 16ish and you've still got through uni? You kick ass. Finish the degree - it saves going back later.

There might be people who have easy lives - I don't know any of them. You are already successful - a mum coping with a SN child and studying, so young and so much accomplished already. Its hard - I hope you can find support somewhere. See your GP.

Keep on with your studying. If life with dd can be hard you need time for just you.
Is there anything else you can do that is just you? Any uni clubs you can go to? One evening a week would give you something to look forward to.
I don't claim understand Sn but we have all had they are all looking at my misbehaving child moment. Sod them. You and your child are doing the best you can and you do not need to live up to anyone else's so called standards.
If it helps, I am at my most judge-y when I feel a bit crap about myself. When I am ok I am v happy to let people be. Bear that in mind when you are feeling judged.
You sound like you are doing great and dd is lucky to have you. None of us know what the future holds, so plan for it, but don't live there. Live in the now. The cuddles, the fun. 😊

Bless you sunshine 22 years of age, single parent of a child with SEN AND studying!! Wow.. I take my hat off to you!

There are lots of groups for parents with SEN kids, you need that moral support, so try to attend or at least subscribe to online forums.

Unfortunately, the people who 'gawp' are the ones that don't really understand, they quite possibly think your child is just badly behaved. Don't worry what others think, believe me as you get older, you'll realise it really doesn't matter what others think..sod 'em!

You're young and clearly strong and determined. Be proud of what you've achieved at such a young age, having a child with SEN is a full time job in itself.

There is a SEN board on MN..take a look there and see what help is available.

Keep up the good work..you sound like a great Mum

Thank you all for your kind messages.

I don't know what I'll do without posting on the relationship board.

Most of the comments on here made me realise what an abusive, jerk, user DD dad is and he is now officially gone-- which I'm finding it hard to adjust to, but I'll move past it.

I was thinking of joining a sports club, or going back into ballet :). I will finish my degree... I'm hoping to do a Masters in occupational therapy, I've learnt so much about DD's SEN and strategies that I want to use the skills to help other children with particular mobility/sensory needs.

But thank you once again. It is hard, very hard, but I have to push through.

Sometimes SnowFairy we need stick as well as carrot. I am on OPs side most definitely, but her opening post, every paragraph, every sentence was based in negativity and self denial. Life can be hard enough without beating ourselves up. This thread will evolve.

sleeping tbf, I think the OP has every reason to be negative - it's not been easy.

But I knew you were on OP's side really

You sound amazing and are going forward with your life and studies.

Fuck the gawpers, rise above it. I usually look at them as if to say "Are you looking at me? or squinting cos you need glasses lol...

What is actually so great about YOUR life to judge me.....

(LP, biracial child, fuck 'm all with their pathetic judgements... usually comes down to them not daring to live the life they envisaged....).

Things Will get better.

Never mind them. You have your own life in your own hands. The only thing you can do is make the best of it for you and yours.

Tell me something Sunshinegirl2 about you daughter. Give me something warm and lovely to drift off to sleep to. 🌞

Thank you sleepingtiger and snowfairy.

I do need a kick up my backside though I can't be like this forever. I just have to accept my situation, live in the present and move forward in my life.

I wouldn't be judging you. And I'm not alone.

Don't give up your degree.

I'm a LP for the second time round. One with additional needs.

I got a first class degree as a LP of said child with additional needs.

It's not always easy. But it's always worth it.

And thanks I flyaway I wish I had your confidence, but thanks so much for your post

I actually only know one woman who has a genuinely 'easy life'. And I mean, really easy.

But she is the least happy of everyone I know. Why?

Because it's all the shit that makes you the person you are. How can you know what you are capable of when you're not required to be capable of anything?

I am a full time Carer for my seventeen year old severely disabled DS I'm sick to fucking death of it right now. I'm in self pity mode. I am a victim. A victim of not getting enough support from the system. I have felt very angry, alone and depressed these last two weeks. If I was you complete your degree have another child you'll get more help.

Definitely finish your degree OP and keep on working hard for you and your DD.
I'm a LP to a 2yo and a student and there are times where I really struggle and wonder what on earth I'm doing and should I bother anymore with my studies. Other times I feel so proud about what I'm doing and it feels like the best decision that I decided to go to university.

I hope that you are the same and that soon, after the (possible) shock of your ex partner officially removing himself from your lives goes things may start to feel better for you.

Do you have family and friends who support you?

Keep on going, it will be worth it in the end!

Ps, I just want to second what a PP said about when you're feeling bad about yourself you're at your most judgey. When happy you wouldn't bat an eye lid or even offer to help.

All the best OP.

I don't know if this will be of any use but it helped me when DD was having meltdowns in public and I didn't know how to handle people gawping...

I made some little cards (I think there are already some on the Internet that you can just print off)

I can't quite remember what they said as it was a long time ago but basically they went along the lines of "I'm sorry you felt the need to judge my child today but she has autism and sometimes situations are just too much for her. She's not naughty and not having a tantrum, she's just dealing with the situation the only way she knows how"

I'm sure it was worded much better than that.... brain isn't working yet. Basically the people I gave them to were embarrassed that they'd stood and judged and I hope they went away having learnt something.

"Being going out in public when everyone seems to gawp and judge DD and I "

No, I would bet any money that the majority of them are actually secretly sympathising because they've been there or thereabouts.As a parent of older children I never judge a parent who looks like they are having trouble with their LO - I've gone through it and I remember the feeling of despair, the embarrassment and stress. No-one who's done that would judge you (assuming you're not effing and blinding or walloping her!)

And those who really do judge are watching from a position of ignorance so you can safely disregard their opinion.

Please continue your degree, forget about the sperm donor and build a new life. Good luck x

Thank you all again for your comments, I really appreciate it and will practice it now on from my daily life.