Tips for a relationship with a widower

[peppatax]

I'm in a relationship with a widower and looking for tips really on how to cope with inevitable comments/references/photos/possessions/occasions with relevance to his deceased wife. I know it's something he has to 'live with' rather than 'get over' but I want to be able to balance acknowledging this part of his past but focusing on our relationship and the future. Any help would be gratefully received! He's very pragmatic but I'm very insecure.

Did he actually say that his perspective is now that he can't mention anything about his wife?

I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt you, but the thing is, he will think of her often. He won't be able to avoid it (and shouldn't, even if he could, but that's beside the point). So I guess it comes down to how much of his inner thoughts about that huge part of his life you want him to be able to share with you?

I'm trying to decide whether 3-4x a day is a lot or not! It's so personal. My gut reaction was "ooooh, that's a lot".

But thinking about today and yesterday (my memory won't permit longer ☺️)

• I mentioned speeding tickets and he told me about a time 20 years ago that he borrowed her car and she called him later to tell him he'd got a ticket
• we were sat outside and it turned cold and he told me about a long ago camping trip when she wouldn't borrow a warm jacket cos it was ugly 😂
• we talked about my camper van repairs and he told me some stuff she said about getting their first van
• we also had a chat about which of them chose more holidays, but tbf, I asked that!

So actually, I can see a first wife coming up a lot!

I think that after 20 years together it's not so much that he wants to talk about her, but that he has no choice because she's just in all his chit chat anecdotes!
In the same way that I talk non stop about my daughter
He's kind of not talking about her - he's talking about his life, and that inevitably means a lot with her in.

When he said about the warm jacket, he wasn't sad or wishing her back (in that moment) he was just sharing a story about being cold outside. It could as easily have been his mum - except he has more stories that include his wife.

It's never because he's comparing us - it's just chit chat.

Cabrinha, I've just been thinking back to when I saw my bf over the weekend and can remember a lot of instances where the late spouses were mentioned. You're right, it's because for both of us, the anecdotes of the last 20'years or so have our late husband/wife in them, just because they were there!

I'd feel a bit limited if I couldn't talk about things I did with my late husband, as we did have some good times. That said, I think telling the sort of 'life stories' we're referring to is a bit different to regular comments of the 'x liked this', 'x did that' nature. It's all about context really.

You're all right, I think if we discuss it again I need to explain the context in which I find the references difficult - the ones that could draw a comparison. I guess with the anecdotes, perhaps I need to open up and share more about the past (I've had one marriage and another LTR, couple of STR, in the time that they were together) but I hold back so as not to offend him as I know I'm not hugely comfortable with it. If I just have a fond memory of someone at a particular moment I just enjoy it privately I suppose rather than telling him.

There are some things I've asked him about as I've been curious so I guess I don't really feel that it's a total no go, just perhaps needs to be a little more thoughtful from both sides.

Funnily enough, we recently visited my hometown and did the obligatory tour of my childhood and he said he's always been uncomfortable about that (even with her and with friends) as his parents travelled so much during his childhood he doesn't have that sort of 'base'. He explained he's uncomfortable that we could be in the pub or whatever and run into people who knew me from the past and know me better than him. I thought... the irony! I guess it's what affects maybe men differently - being in a physical place with memories for me is what makes it hard for him but the emotional memories is what I find harder.

Same here. I talk an awful lot about my kids because it's my every day. It sends him back to when his own child was that age and his late wife is mentioned then. But it's not comparison, just chit-chat or context. So yes she might crop up more than four times a day depending what we're chatting about. But it doesn't feel over the top or obsessive, just a natural inclusion.
But I guess it depends how it's worded or come across.

whoops apologies for xpost.
Like you I avoid mentioning my exh even if some things might remind me of our lives together, but it's because it'd open a can of worms.
Hope your chat goes well.

"What's his purpose/intention of saying 'she was a great cook' if I'm cooking there for him alone? "

I'd hazard a guess that there was no purpose or intention. He was making conversation and she came to mind because she cooked too. In fact you could look at it as a compliment as he felt relaxed enough to chat without censoring the subject matter.

I do understand IrianofWay but as AstrantiaMallow says too that she too censors what she says about XH so as not to offend current partner. I guess my point is that when we are there alone, is it wrong of me to not want him to think of her or that he mentions her so much?

I suppose in that context/situation I'd like it to be about us and what we're doing now. Does that make sense? He says 'he can't be with her anymore' so it's okay to talk about her, but I can't/shouldn't about XH because he's still here so always going to be a threat? I suppose I interpret 'can't be with her to' to mean 'I would if I could' and inherently going to feel second best.

Just rambling thoughts now but I do appreciate everyone's contribution!

when we are there alone, is it wrong of me to not want him to think of her

Sorry, to be blunt, but yes, in my option that is wrong of you. He's going to think about her when he's with you. Not all the time, and less over time. But he still will. The feelings of loving/ missing/grieving for a deceased spouse isn't a tap that the surviving spouse can switch on or off at will. It's more of a leaky pipe, that drips all the time, and suddenly, often without warning, gushes out.

He says 'he can't be with her anymore' so it's okay to talk about her, but I can't/shouldn't about XH because he's still here so always going to be a threat?

Does he say the second part of that? Because if so, that is at least very insecure of him, if not rather controlling. And definitely double standards. You're just as entitled to talk about your XH as he is about his wife. I imagine the kind of things you'd say would be different, but particularly if you share a child and therefore have ongoing communications, it would be totally unnatural for you to not talk about your ex.

My boyfriend talks about his (long -term, live-in) XGF much, much less than I talk about my husband. But that's because there is less to say - his good memories were soured by the mess of their break up; which I imagine happens when most relationships split? But of course not to widow/ers; we're usually keeping on going after a great relationship, rather than moving on from a bad one.

BUT that doesn't mean that he's not allowed to talk about her. I'm here if he needs or wants to talk, the same as he is for me. And little memories and anecdotes crop up the way they do about friends or family members.

Peppa I wasn't clear. By can of worms I meant I don't like mentioning my exh because I don't like talking about it, it's quite traumatic. He hasn't shown any signs of disliking my exh being mentioned at all. In fact recently I told him about something my exh did, and he then commented that it made him understand better how I reacted to other things. He's been very tactful.

With He says 'he can't be with her anymore' so it's okay to talk about her, but I can't/shouldn't about XH because he's still here so always going to be a threat? are you saying he's told you he doesn't like you mentioning your xh and sees him as a threat? That's not so nice, if that's the case.

More whoops ... Meant to put italics, not strike through.

Sorry about that, I understand now. I guess it's the same to a point, he's happy to hear about stuff I found difficult in my past relationship but finds any equivalent of 'XH was good at something' difficult that's what surprised me he felt I should be okay with him doing it!

It all sounds a bit of a mess really but it isn't that bad, just need to manage it carefully I think. Hopefully we'll have a nice dinner tonight or else keep an eye out for an 'I've just been stood up' live thread!

I really don't think you can compare talking about an ex to talking about a spouse who died. Can you not see the difference?

I think you need to accept and realise that your dp would still be in love with his late wife. It must be confusing for him trying to deal with his feelings for two different women. I am a widow, and i am still madly in love with my dh. If and when i start a relationship i know its going to fuck with my head. My dh and i had a fabulous marriage, I know i have him on a pedestal, but I always did. He deserves to be there. I can omagine that it is hard for you, but it will be a hell of alot harder for him. Go gently with him.

And of course he would be with his late dw if he could. They didnt break up, she was taken from him. Its also unreasonable for you to want him not to think of her when he is with you, how on earth is he meant to do that? When you lose your spouse you are always thinking of them, even years later. He would want to think of her and talk about her because he loves her. Her being on heaven doesnt change that.

Haven't rtft but my widower was just 9 months post the death of his wife when he met me.

There wasn't a problem. I could see he was a nice guy and he loved her a lot. There wasn't lots of stuff, photos etc around his house . All her clothes had gone. He was in a good place to get on with his new life. He's like that very pragmatic.

He talked when he needed to talk as I needed too about the rotten end of my marriage. We'd both been married about 30 years.
So both had a lot of baggage.

He'd already removed his wedding ring and I honestly wouldn't have minded if he'd worn it at the beginning but no he was ready to move on.

We spoke a lot about our previous partners but now 7.5 years on they barely come up in conversation.
I think if hes ready for a new relationship he will show you he is.
Oh yes we got married last year. We are just like an old married couple now lol. Early 60s . Sometimes I forget my kids aren't his!

Agree with Cabrinha...lots of it is chit chat.
The stuff that shaped your life.
I'm cool with that.

Thank you Dowser, I really appreciate that too. We've had a lovely weekend together and talked about things a lot. We've definitely got a happy future ahead with patience and understanding (on both sides!).

Thanks to all the helpful advice on this thread, it's allowed me to let go and relax about talking about the past (both pasts!) and what might happen in the future when potentially difficult situations crop up.

Hi there. I know this is a really old thread but I’d love to know how all you guys who are in relationships with widowers are doing? I’ve been with my bf for nearly 2.5 years, we’ve had our ups and downs but have got through them. He moved in in December, I love him very much and that should be the end of the story. But... since he moved in he seems very irritated by me all of the time and I feel like he is about to leave and say he doesn’t want this anymore. Added to that his daughter is getting married in June and it’s consuming him. His worry for her and how sad he is that she has to do this without a mum. Any advice would be appreciated