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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why can't I let this person go?

29 replies

lottielou7 · 04/05/2016 17:40

I've been struggling with this for about 2 years. A man who I've had an on/off thing with (although I haven't seen him since Christmas).

He isn't my type intellectually and he isn't a nice person. I think he enjoys doing this push me/pull me thing with me. At times he acts as though he's obsessed with me, interchanged with rudeness and the silent treatment which he'll suddenly apologise for 2 days later with some stupid explanation like 'sorry, I was in the wrong'. I find it stressful trying to understand what I find compelling about him when he is so unpleasant. He's never had a girlfriend and women seem to avoid him. I feel as though he must have done something to hook me though as I was not bowled over the first time of meeting.

I am not as obsessed as I once was but I feel this should have been out of my system long ago. I do so well blocking/ignoring him for weeks and then slip. A friend read some of his messages to me and said he sounds disordered.

I think it is fading but it irritates me that I can never cut contact once and for all.

OP posts:
pidgewidgeon · 04/05/2016 17:59

My first partner was like this, it really does mess with your head.

Don't blame yourself for going back. I read somewhere that your brain reacts to the good times and positive emotions with "reward" chemicals, so your brain will actually be craving his attention (whether you want to or not).

I think the only thing that helps in situations like this is time, as annoying as it is. Try not to contact him, remind yourself of all the negative things he brings with him and how low he makes you feel when he ignores you.

Eventually it will kick in and you'll stop thinking about him so much, just like you no longer pine after your first love etc.

It's hard though! BrewCake

Original poster
lottielou7 · 04/05/2016 19:08

Thanks. I'm glad it isn't just me. The problem is that I end up feeling he's treated me badly because I did something wrong. Even though I know that's irrational and that evidence suggests he treats everyone the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottielou7 · 04/05/2016 19:09

It's already on the wane but I keep wondering whether I'll repeat the same pattern again at some point as I've had a similar situation before this.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/05/2016 19:10

limerance

You can beat it. If you really want to.

Original poster
lottielou7 · 04/05/2016 19:17

Yeah, I've heard about limerence which I agree is exactly what it is.

What causes one to want to give the time of day to someone so vile though? He couldn't care less about anyone except himself and has no reaction in the face of a general tragedy.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/05/2016 19:22

I dunno

I suffered from it once, a long time ago. I cringe now when I think what an idiot I was. He actually repulsed me. He had smelly feet and he was a bit free and easy with his cock in dodgy places.

God knows what I was thinking. Thankfully I came to my senses after about 18 months when I looked at him one day and thought "what am I doing compromising myself for this loser ?"

Bye-bye loser. He cried and wailed but I was steadfast, I hope you can get to that point too. You will hate yourself the longer it goes on. Remember that the only person in charge of your life is you

Original poster
lottielou7 · 04/05/2016 19:24

Thank you AF, I always like your way of putting things. Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
lottielou7 · 04/05/2016 19:27

Yes, the main problem is being disappointed in myself that I don't cut him off. And in his mind I'm always there if he grovels enough/lies about problems he's having

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/05/2016 20:14

Prove him wrong then

Original poster
lottielou7 · 04/05/2016 21:16

I will. As I say, the feeling is on its way out. I suppose writing it down helps me to clarify my thoughts and strengthen my resolve. I look around at other people I know who never become obsessed with horrible men.

OP posts:
pineappleeyes · 04/05/2016 21:53

I'm in the same boat as you lottielou. It's like an addiction. Ups and downs. Complete head fuck. I'm trying to distance myself and go no contact. Easier said than done though

Original poster
lottielou7 · 04/05/2016 22:05

Are you generally like this pine? As I say, this isn't the first time I've had this sort of situation but this man is particularly unpleasant and manipulative. I'm just wondering whether these type of men know when they've hit on someone who will play out their abusive dance over and over?

I have AS, so I think people can tell I'm 'different'. I am not sure how much this has to do with it, because of course people with AS tend to have obsessions anyway and I certainly do.

OP posts:
pineappleeyes · 04/05/2016 22:33

This is the second arse hole lottielou. My friends rolled their eyes and said not again. I even said why do I attract these fuck wits? It's a very hard cycle to break. It's always nice to be wanted so each time he crawls back I'm like all over it. People have said I have low self esteem and if I was thinking straight & was at my full confidence he wouldn't stand a chance. My situation a bit different though as I am physically attracted to him & we do click. It's just the ups and downs, silent treatment and a few other negatives that make me think what the fk am I doing!! You're not alone. Try no contact. Focus on his negatives. A relationship should never be this emotionally draining .

Original poster
lottielou7 · 05/05/2016 11:59

Oh he's got plenty of those. I think it's about my dad - he's never had any interest in me. So I think I try to hang onto men who treat me badly to prove to myself that eventually they'll be nice and it will fix what happened with my dad. It was the same with my ex husband too.

Which is, of course, crazy.

OP posts:
Slowdecrease · 05/05/2016 12:34

It's the hardest thing in the world to accept when someone is just plain bad for us. It's easier to assume we did something wrong to make it ok for us to be treated like that than just accept that someone really does not value us at all. Its that old saying isn't it "you get the same lesson repeatedly until you learn it". I've only recently had to cut off my exh completely as I realised he isn't my friend, we are not amicable for our daughters sake - he's a selfish arsehole and it took me 9 years of being with him and nearly 7 of trying to maintain friendship with him afterwards to realise that. 16 years of my life. He's only reeling you back in to test his prowess at doing it, not because he wants you as an individual in his life. It's not about you. Your path isn't to have this guy in your life. He's been and gone and given you a lesson - work out what it is, learn it, decide what you'll do different next time and enjoy employing those new found ways of doing it, you will get a different outcome.

CheersMedea · 05/05/2016 12:51

I just posted this below on another thread. I think yours is the same problem - intermittent re-inforcement:

From this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2628358-Hes-gone-tepid-cut-my-losses?msgid=60874513#60874513

Blowers of the hot and cold really, really fck up your self esteem* unless you (a) genuinely don't care yourself and are using them for your own ends or (b) are as hard as nails.

Because it is human nature to think "he was so keen, I'm the same person, what did I do?" and blame yourself.

Also it has the utterly mind fcking effect of intermittent reinforcement*(example link below but google for more on this). Best explained by the rat experiment. Rats in cage with lever. Press on lever get food. Over time the ratio changes so that it's only every 2nd press get food, only 5th press, only 10th press and so on. The rats go mental and start constantly bashing on the lever until they mentally explode in frustration like a microwaved hamster.

This is what happens to your brain with a man like this. You will keep "pressing the lever" of contact with him because you want the "hot" times back. The "hot" times will re-appear when he really thinks you are about to cut contact to real you back in. They get further and further apart; you try harder and harder to win the hot times back. Your brain = microwaved exploded hamster and your self esteem goes with it.

outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/intermittent-reinforcement

Original poster
lottielou7 · 05/05/2016 12:54

I think that about sums it up, yes.

Why do people behave like this though?

OP posts:
Slowdecrease · 05/05/2016 12:58

because they can is probably the most succinct answer Sad

Original poster
lottielou7 · 05/05/2016 13:01

That doesn't really make sense to me though. I guess what I mean is, what do they get out of it? I suppose they enjoy upsetting people but that's an alien concept to me, personally.

OP posts:
Slowdecrease · 05/05/2016 13:09

Same here. If we thought like them we wouldn't be struggling to understand would we? I think at some point you just have to give up the struggle (as I did with my ex) of trying to comprehend it and resign this chapter to the archives where you can get it out in time to come when it's lost all its influence over you (it will), dust it off and have a little chuckle thinking wtf was that all about??

CheersMedea · 05/05/2016 13:59

I guess what I mean is, what do they get out of it?

They get sex without intimacy or commitment. Men like this usually are doing the same thing with a lot of women so they can always tap one up when they want sex.

It's also very common behaviour in people with Narcissistic Personality disorder because they do the whole "lure you in" by mirroring you and acting like your perfect person until you criticize them for anything no matter how trivial, you get devalued and cast out, until they run low on attention else where and then they come back.

A good friend of mine had a hell of a time with a man like this. Really bad. He treated her like absolute garbage but she was obsessed with him and would go back again and again and again - even after months of no contact.

Original poster
lottielou7 · 05/05/2016 16:15

Well, actually I didn't want a full on relationship with him because I don't currently have the time and so we agreed at the beginning that for now we weren't going to be serious. On that basis he didn't actually have a motive for being weird with me.

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Original poster
lottielou7 · 05/05/2016 16:20

He has very few real friends and also doesn't get on with his family either.

OP posts:
Slowdecrease · 05/05/2016 18:04

I think when men and women agree not to be serious it tends to mean that the woman makes an unspoken promise not to fall for the guy or have any expectations (but usually fails miserably, been there) and the man means its not going to be serious i.e. I have no responsibility to you whatsoever and never will do. That means I phone you/ text you when I want sex or company.

CheersMedea · 05/05/2016 18:32

we agreed at the beginning that for now we weren't going to be serious.On that basis he didn't actually have a motive for being weird with me.

Have you never been in a situation with someone who is clearly crazy about you saying "I don't want anything serious"? I do think there are some men who think that ALL women are desperate for a serious relationship whatever they say.

And there are a two things that are true:

  • there are plenty of women who act "cool girl" and keep sleeping with a man who they have fallen for whilst protesting "I don't want anything serious" in the hope he will change his mind. What you say may be utterly disregarded based on his past experience.
  • humans (men included) are designed to bond with a person they keep sleeping with repeatedly. It's a stronger bond in women because of higher level of oxytocin but it happens in men too. It's not normal for a man to keep sleeping with and seeing a woman repeatedly over time and not bond with them or feel something for them unless (a) he goes out of hisr way to compartmentalise and keep a distance ( "oh shit I'm feeling like I'm getting to close to her/starting to feel things = cold phase) or (b) he is a psychopath.