Am I being emotionally abused?

[allyouneedisloveandacat]

My husband has a temper and when he argues, he really argues. He turns into some kind of hot-shot lawyer, getting me totally wound up and tied up in knots until I just want to run from the house and never return. I feel anxious a lot of the time, concerned about whether he's going to be annoyed with something I've done or said. It's never about 'big' things, always moments where I have 'been disrespectful' often showing 'no empathy' and being 'incapable of showing grace'. He accuses me of being stubborn (which I am) but when he's shouting at me and patronising me like I'm a child I find it very hard to 'back down' ad do the "Yes, dear, you're so right, I'm sorry, it won't happen again' routine (usually because I'm not sorry because I feel that he's totally overreacted to something and it's not acceptable for him to be standing over me, shouting and swearing). Recently I left home and went to stay with my mum and dad for 10 days because he'd snapped at me about something inconsequential so I told him I wasn't in the mood to go out and he went BONKERS. Shouted at me (while holding our 1 year old) telling me I'm a 'petulant, spoilt bitch', 'don't be f**king flippant with me', 'you deserve the shouting', 'you back chatted me, think about it' and telling our baby 'You'll find out what your mum is when you're older.'

A lot of the time he's lovely. I read websites that talk about emotional abuse and the descriptions sound awful - this really isn't that bad but I hate waking on eggshells and feeling like I'm frequently 'in trouble'. When I left him and was with my mum and dad my parents were appalled at what I'd told them and they described it as mental cruelty but I just feel like I'm overreacting, that everyone has fall-outs and arguments and that the friends I see who seem totally in love and who have kind and caring partners probably have the same problems behind closed doors.

allyouneedisloveandacat

Its not you, its him. Its always been him and this is all about him and getting his need for power and control met at your overall expense. You are in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Re your comment:-
I am educated, independent and have a brilliant job and am respected at work, so I really don't know how this happened

It is not your fault he is like this and you did not make him that way. He likely saw all this rubbish from his own parents when growing up himself and is simply repeating what they taught him about relationships.

Inadequate and abusive men like your H seek out women just like you to take down to their base level. He sees you as a challenge, someone to break. And he will do that completely to you and in turn your child. You yourself cannot do your bit here either to teach your child that this is at all acceptable to you. The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE, that is correct. NONE.

Neither you or whatisinanameanyway should at all stay with these men. They will destroy you from the inside out and take down your children with them to their pit as well.

Please think seriously about leaving for your child if not yourself. I grew up in a family with a similar dynamic to yours. It has massive effects on self esteem, and leaves a warped view of what is normal.

Your DD will be like a little sponge at the moment. She is learning about human interactions, and establishing her normal. Do you want to see her accept treatment like this in the future?

everyone has fall-outs and arguments

No, not like that they don't.

"everyone has fall-outs and arguments and that the friends I see who seem totally in love and who have kind and caring partners probably have the same problems behind closed doors"

People do argue yes and have problems but emotionally healthy people generally speaking do not blame others for their own behaviour or try to abdicate responsibility for their behaviours onto someone else.
This also happens because they are not being abused in the relationship.

His behaviour towards you is about power and control, he wants absolute over you. He is perhaps also very plausible to those in the outside world but their mask can slip even in front of them too. Some of your friends likely have their own unspoken suspicions about him. They cannot keep up the act long term and his mask slips far more often when he is alone with you.

I also think you were targeted by this man loveandacat, he saw some vulnerability (perhaps some innate low self esteem or self worth, some slightly skewed boundaries, a need to please) within you he could and indeed has exploited at great cost to yourself. Men like he also take a long time, perhaps even years, to recover from. I would certainly recommend that you do the Freedom Programme run by WOmens Aid as well.

Walking on eggshells as well is code or another another way of writing "living in fear". Do not subject yourself or your child to this person any more. You have good parents, use them and their support as well as Womens Aid to forge a better life for yourself and your child going forward. Such men like your H as well do not change.

Where do you see yourself in a year's time, still with him?.

There's not a " type " of women that get abused. It happens because the man is an abuser, who believe he's entitled to treat his woman and his kids like this .

It happens to women with good jobs and a good education, who are respected in their community. It even happens to women from good and loving families.

I find it interesting that you parents were horrified and said he was cruel. After all, they are from a generation where divorce was frowned upon and there was more emphasis on staying and " working at marriage " , " all marriages have their ups and downs " etc etc

And yet they think you should leave . Why do you think that is? Do you think they are over reacting ? Do you think they don't know what most relationships are like ?

Most people do not argue like this. This is abnormal and abusive. He doesn't see you as an equal to him.

The worst bit to me is the threat to brung your child up to treat you in the same way he does.

OP, reading your story sent a chill down my spine. My violent ex was exactly like this, right down to how he used to talk about me to our then baby DS. I was like you: independent, educated, a strong personality and successful in my chosen career. My ex, the jealous, bitter misogynist that he is, resented everything I was and relished tearing me down. He knew he wasn't better than me, so he had to do the next best thing and make me believe I was the worthless one. It worked.

I honestly believed I'd never get out. I believed he'd take DS - he often threatened it (whilst in the same breath saying he didn't believe he was the father, because all women are cheating sluts) - and I believed he'd seriously harm my elderly and ill parents. Looking back, I still can't believe how such a pigshit thick, disgusting, dirty, barely literate lump of a human could've put such fear into me.

Your child deserves so much more than this. YOU deserve much more. You're on here asking if you're being abused - as PPs have said, the fact you're asking speaks volumes.

You need to get out, sweetheart. Trust your dear parents, who BELIEVE YOU, even if YOU don't believe yourself.

I really appreciate all of your responses and advice. What you're all saying makes so much sense. My parents are in a long and loving marriage and NEVER argued in front of us when we were growing up - my husband says that's not normal and that I have a skewed version of what a marriage should be (he thinks my dad is subservient and 'wet'). It is likely that my husband grew up in a similar environment to the one he has created in our home - I know his dad was violent when the family was young.
When I spoke to my parents about this my dad said 'I never trusted him' which spoke volumes - my dad is an amazing man who doesn't say things lightly.
My husband thinks I'm constantly stressed and need to 'calm down' - my job is stressful and we have a toddler, but I actually think it's him that stresses me and sometimes I fantasise about me and my son living in a little flat somewhere and just how relaxing that would be! I know deep down that things are wrong - I enjoy nights when he's out, I look forward to coming home if he's not going to be in, I feel anxious and hide things (like going on Facebook) because he doesn't like it when I'm on my phone. God I'm actually shocked at myself for being such a doormat!
I will research the women's aid thing now. It's actually really helping just getting this out, to be honest. Thanks again.

sometimes I fantasise about me and my son living in a little flat somewhere and just how relaxing that would be

Make it happen, OP. Both you and your son deserve to live in a calm, peaceful atmosphere with no shouting or controlling bullying.

You had me at "incappable of showing grace"

What a thoroughly unpleasant piece of work he sounds.

Leave, and don't look back.

"incapable of showing grace"

I can't tell you how much that one comment makes me hate him. And I don't even know him.

Oh god, so much of your last post is like looking at myself in a mirror a year ago. I identify with all of this so much and my heart goes out to you. I've been there and I know just what it feels like. These are the parts which particularly rang true for me:

my husband says that's not normal and that I have a skewed version of what a marriage should be (he thinks my dad is subservient and 'wet').

My ex would say this kind of thing all the time. Several of my close friends married lovely men and my ex professed to hate all of them, saying that they were all pathetic and wet and surely I didn't want a wimpy man like that? He would even go as far as to pat himself on the back for just being an 'honest' guy who 'tells it like it is' and claimed that all those other guys were just spineless and putting on an act for their women. Since breaking up with him a year ago I've come to realise that yes, my friends' husbands really ARE as lovely and supportive as they seem, and that actually I very much DO want a partner like that, and that his 'honesty' was just an excuse for saying whatever hateful crap ever popped into his head, without ever sparing a thought for my feelings.

My husband thinks I'm constantly stressed and need to 'calm down' - my job is stressful and we have a toddler, but I actually think it's him that stresses me

My ex claimed that I was a nightmare to live with, permanently stressed out and consequently stressing him out as a result. I went to my GP for antidepressants at one point and had some counselling a couple of years ago, but deep down I think I always knew that the root of the problem was him and the way he was treating me. After we broke up I moved in with a new flatmate, someone I'd never met before, and a few months into living with her she remarked that I was 'such a chilled out person, nothing ever seems to get to you'. Enough said!

I enjoy nights when he's out, I look forward to coming home if he's not going to be in

Speaks volumes, doesn't it? I got to the point where just the sound of his key in the front door would make my heart sink. We both deserve so much better - and trust me, being alone is better than continuing with this kind of treatment!

sometimes I fantasise about me and my son living in a little flat somewhere and just how relaxing that would be

Do it. it only makes sense to have a partner if they add to your life and make it nicer. If not, what's the point?

It's very easy for us to say Yes you are being emotionally abused. However we don't know you. The questions you should be asking yourself are:

• are you happy?
• are you happy to live the rest of your life like this?
• is this a happy environment for your kids?
• do you love him?
• did you going away for 10 days make any difference in your relationship or not?
• will he ever change? Presumably he wasn't always like this seeing as you married him.
• would he consider counselling? Does he recognise his behaviour is wrong? Especially in front of DC.
• does your child like him or is the child scared of him too?
• could his anger be focused on your child in the future?
• would you be happier without him?

Depending on your answers to these questions, then how you move forward is simple enough. But then of course all would depend on whether you are ready to make some strong decisions and also your financial situations. It's easy to say you should leave someone like that but we don't know you or how bad it really is.

Yes.

He's a vile prick who hates women, OP. You need to get out as soon as possible.

Just think about this - the things he blames you for are disobedience and insufficient servility. You are not a servant, nor are you a dog that needs to be trained to 'know its place' - you are a human being; his partner.
Get some legal advice, call Women's Aid, plan your escepe - but do tread carefully. Abuisve men are most likely to become dangerous when their victims see through them and plan to escape. DOn't give him any ultimatums, don't suggest counselling, behave as normally as you can, then once everything is in place, pack and leave with your child. Leave him a note on the kitchen table saying you will be in contact via email. You cannot be forece to return home like a runaway slave. You do not have to tell him where you are staying - if you are afraid of a physical attack from him, you can get court orders to keep him away.

Sorry I haven't read the entire thread but just wanted to say don't tell him what you are planning nor tell him anything about your research. Keep a low profile, keep things as they were while you're looking into what's been going on. He will probably sense a change so be prepared for an escalation of his abuse.

Yes, this is abuse.

I would say the same thing as springydaffs.

Should u decide that things will never change and that you and DC would be happier without him: PLAN YOUR ESCAPE. DO NOT TELL HIM WHAT YOU ARE THINKING.

-Make notes of his behaviour and time/dates.
-you should consider calling the police next time he goes off on one. That way there's police record.

• DONT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. Chuck him out instead.

But make sure everything is in order before you do so ie finances and proof of his behaviour is there