My husband won't communicate and his temper flares up so easily

[pollyporton]

I feel I am constantly treading on eggshells in an effort not to upset my husband. He often criticises me but can't take the slightest criticism himself. Today I had enough after he stormed out over something completely and utterly trivial (it was about something we had for lunch). Then when I called him to say we needed to talk, he refused to speak. As he wouldn't speak, I told him it was over in a text and he said I should leave tomorrow.

I feel bad in a way as we do get on really well a lot of the time and our physical relationship is really good. We also share a lot of friends.

Do you think his behaviour is a good enough reason to split up after 8 years? We have children from previous relationships, all of whom are now adult and living away from home.

I agree that friends and family can be biased, but at least they are real.
Posters on MN are not imaginary!
I'd suggest that an anonymous stranger is more likely to give honest advice than a family members who may feel conflicting loyalties.

walking on eggshells=never being able to properly relax
this is very stressful and harmful to your health

you owe it to yourself to nurture your health and create a space when you can relax and recuperate

look after number one Polly
thats you :)

We can only advise on what is posted.
We don't ever get 2 sides so we have to assume what the OP says is true.
And from what the OP says here, this guy is an abusive asshole.
So she should NOT even consider joint counselling.
It is NEVER recommended in an abusive relationship.
The only acceptable amount of abuse in any relationship (yes I'll say it again) IS NONE!!!!!
So the advice when abuse is involved will always be to LTB.
They don't change. It's proven time and time and time again!
Counselling for you OP? Absolutely!

So many women on here have hindsight and can advise from a position of knowing exactly what will happen next.
That's the beauty of MN. So many women on here have been abused for years or cheated on, etc....
We KNOW the script!
We can advise based on actually having lived through it (cheating for me, not abuse) and boy oh boy do I wish I'd found MN when my shit was happening.

You see it time and time again.
'I wish I'd listened to you wonderful women a year ago when you told me to leave, it's just escalated and now I really need help to leave'.... and so on and so on.
And when they do reach that point, then everyone on here will rally round to help and support people through those horrible times.

Putting up with abuse just because divorce should be a last resort - is crap!
Total bollox. No woman (or man) should ever put up with being abused.
That is that. The ONLY option is get away from them as fast as possible.
That is the REALITY!

There are too many single mums and absent dads in this country.

OP and her H have no children together. Their own children are grown up. No one would be left with a [tearjerk] broken home.

There are too many single mums and absent dads in this country
And this is because women are finally waking up and realising that putting up with shit treatment is NOT OK and no we don't have to put up with it.
There are other options.
No man is worth our misery.

Hmm I think leaving the kind of man who becomes an absent father after the split is exactly the right advice - what kind of man abandons his children? What kind of partner do you think a man like that will have been? What benefit do you think keeping him in the family would have had for the kids?

Plus of course LTB is advice, you don't agree with that advice but it doesn't mean it isn't advice and you can't simultaneously claim that people shouldn't give LTB advice on small info and give the advice that LTB is not advisable on same info.

Going on about what other people shouldn't say just because you disagree is crap on an advice thread and as you can see it just results in the thread being diverted from the op. Just give your advice and leave it at that. The op can take what they feel is best from the thread.

we do get on really well a lot of the time and our physical relationship is really good
I see this as the 'bait' that he uses to encourage you to stay with him so that he can can get his reward....that being whatever buzz or satisfaction he gets out of using his anger to control you and keep you on edge

Hi Polly, what I would say to you is that it really doesn't matter what we think or don't think here on MN, it is about how you feel about your relationship that counts.
You say your partner kicks off constantly and you are walking on eggshells. Does that make you feel happy and loved? You say he won't discuss it with you and has told you to leave. Does that make you feel optimistic that you have a future together?
I think you know this is not a healthy relationship. You deserve better. Your choices are to stay and put up with it, and lose any self respect or self esteem you have left, or try and communicate to resolve it ( but realistically from what you have said is this likely?) Or you can bite the bullet, cut your loses and walk away. Painful, yes,easy probably not but I can only say from my own experience now when I look back at the shit that went on I wish I had had the courage to walk away sooner.
It really is a horrible situation to be in, and you have my total sympathy,but you do have choices.
Good luck x

I agree that friends and family can be biased...they will always take my side...
But it's hardly going to be an impartial view from MN, as only the OP's views are presented, not her DH's.

misscph1973, presumably your Dh doesn't give his side of the story when you're confiding in your friends and family? Which means not only do they get a one sided story (like here) but they're also biased, but you think they are the better option?

OP please do NOT go for couples counseling, it's the worst thing you can do!

Get some individual counseling, I did, ironically because I thought I was the problem that's when the penny started to drop. Then we had counseling together, it nearly destroyed me, I had to have more individual counseling after.

Emotional abuse is minimized by society, people make excuses for the abuser, I get people saying he's just a man and that's how they behave!

I hope the next generation will be able to stand up to abuse more, because people are realizing it's not acceptable and if that means being a single parent then so be it.

Mumsnet have helped me see that I am probably being emotionally abused, and I am grateful for that, because other people I speak to minimize his behaviour, so talking to people in real life doesn't always help.

OP please get some counseling for yourself, you are not in the wrong

Emotional abuse is minimized by society
And some people on MN it would appear.

How are you doing OP?
This must be a lot to take on board.