why do I take it?

[cjt88lulu]

Please can someone help me understand why I put up with such bad Treatment from my boyfriend of two years?

I'm beyond the point of thinking it can be sorted or he can change so I'm not looking for replies along those lines but I feel I should give sow examples

• I live alone (officially in terms of rent bills Etc) he is there day and night but doesn't help
• awful with my child

-selfish in bed and just useless

He puts me
Down daily. Tells me I'm lucky to have him Etc. that's all irrelevant as what I'm wondering is WHY I put up with him??!! And if h let me i know I would want him back despite logically being able to see this isn't right

What is wrong with me?

That sounds abusive towards your son

This man is the pathetic one. Mocking a child to make himself feel like the Big Man. That is disgusting behaviour.

Had you considered the idea that your son cries and wets the bed in response to this man bullying him ?

Bf will do horrible things like mock him if he cries or wets the bed and calls him a baby. Reading this back makes me sick like I am the most pathetic person

Reading this made me heartsick for what your little boy has been going through at the hands of this callous monster - and I use the term advisedly because only an unfeeling and uncaring being would inflict this treatment on a powerless child and I'm guessing your innocent little ds has suffered from other forms of abuse that you're unwilling to admit to at the present time. .

You must accept responsibility for what you've allowed your ds to be subjected to OP, and the only way you can redeem yourself is to tell this despicable creature to fuck off out of your life otherwise you will report him to the police for child cruelty, harassment, coercive and controlling behaviour, and anything else that comes to mind which will enable the book to be thrown at him - and DO it if he persists in badgering you to let him back in to your home.

If he should turn up on your doorstep don't attempt to argue with him through a closed door; call 999 and when the police arrive, tell them what you've said here.
If he has the keys to your home keep the entry door(s) bolted and change the lock(s) tomorrow even if it means taking a day off work to do so.

AFTER you've stepped up to the plate and protected your child from any further abuse, you should take steps to understand why you allowed this situation to happen in order to make sure it NEVER happens again.

OP you've realised he isn't good for you and want to do something so I'm glad you want to take steps. Seriously just tell him it's over and forget him. It is really awful seeing how he treats your son in moments like that. It could affect your son in a way you won't understand and he comes first. Please just leave him :( If you feel like you'd end up taking him back just post on here or heck, message me and I'll keep reminding you why not to but you've got to leave him.

I think looking for answers as to why you've accepted such appalling treatment from this man, and allowed your son to be treated the same, comes further down the line.

You have your own home with a lockable front door.
He is not your son's father.
You are financially independent.

The only reason he is in your home making your life a misery, and messing with your son's head, is because you are allowing him to do so.

I'm not judging you, this just appears to me to be the facts of the matter. You need to put your son first, he only has you to protect him in this world. Finish with this man, change your locks, block his number on your phone, etc.

If you allow things to carry on you will be harshly judged, and rightly so, and not least by your poor son.

OP, you said you know he isn't abusive to your son and then go on to describe his abuse of your son? I don't get it. He is abusing your son and he is also abusing you.

The welfare of your son is definitely not being taken care of.

Put your son first.

I hope your failure to return is due to your choice rather than one that's been imposed on you, OP.

While you may find it hard to take criticism here, it's a walk in the park compared to how it will be if your ds discloses what he's being put through to teachers or to friends who subsequently tell their dps who get on to the NSPCC rather than approach you.

It may surprise you to learn that there's a considerable number of threads on this site where responsibly minded adults have been urged to call the NSPCC in cases of suspected child abuse, and they have acted on the advice given with predictable results.

If SS/Child Services get on your case you'll have to choose whether to give the bully up or give your little ds up, but if you're prepared to stay on board here it won't come to that as you'll get the help you need to break your addiction to your ds's abuser and protect him from any further harm.

Hi OP, I have been in a very similar situation and I allowed it to continue for over three years - in fact my reason for joining MN was to question his behaviour as he did such a brilliant job of convincing me that everything was your fault. I met him when DD was 11 and like your DS, she has/had no contact with her father and this was the first relationship I'd had since she was born.

Unfortunately it does seem to stem from childhood (my own DF was/is very controlling but also remote) and our own learned behaviour, low self esteem, self worth etc until we are ground down and don't think that we deserve any better. My DD was older then your DS - and is now 18 and has concluded that ex P was a psychopath (she is studying psychology) but strongly disliked ex P and has said how she hated the way he treated me and how she found it difficult and painful to reconcile the intelligent, independent, loving mother she knew with the slightly pathetic and downtrodden person I seemed to become when he was around. Now I look back and really regret exposing her to such a brutal man. He wasn't abusive to her but rather would complain constantly to me that I put her first too much (too right I did!), that she was spoilt, that I wasn't a good mother (interestingly, his own son hadn't spoken to him for six years, something that apparently mystified him).

For me it was a drip, drip the other way in terms of realising that life with him would be ghastly and wouldn't teach my DD anything about a good relationship. I was determined not to perpetuate the cycle - my DF had a low opinion of me, her DF left when I was pregnant and she needed a better role model than I was providing for her. I do totally understand how difficult it is to extract yourself, even when it should be the obvious thing to do. Looking back, I wish so much that I hadn't stayed so long - but hindsight is like that.

everything was my* fault!!

Some excellent practical advice from hellsbells up thread.

This situation sounds like its already seriously damaging your poor DS. if its allowed to continue, it will affect your future life with him. This is abuse and if you choose to do nothing, you are condoning it.

I can't tell you why you take it, but I can tell you some of the reasons I did (from my ex partner of 9 years). For me it was that leaving him felt like such an enormous task. We didn't even have kids or own a home together, but even just the fact that we'd rented our place for so long and that it was 'ours' was enough that leaving him just felt impossible.

There's also the feeling that, after such a long time, you can't be this wrong about someone. You've put in three years of your life and invested this time and energy, and it's easier to tell yourself that it'll all get better soon than to cut your losses and leave.

If your partner is anything like mine, he'll also drip feed you just enough affection and 'good' times to keep you hopeful that things might get better. When I look back I feel so embarrassed about the amount of times I felt pathetically grateful for what was just normal, decent behaviour. All he had to do was empty the dishwasher or offer me a cup of tea every once in a blue moon and somehow I'd be (temporarily) giddy with happiness and think 'see, things aren't that bad really!' But they were. They really really were.

All I can tell you is that the temporary upheaval of parting ways is just that: temporary. Once you're through it you will never look back!