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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ds refusing to meet partner

30 replies

Savagebeauty · 03/05/2016 06:31

I divorced 18 months ago after a long EA marriage.
Met someone purely by chance who lives 200 miles away. We see each other every month ( in his home town) and are planning to be together in 18 months once ds is at uni. He has never visited my home..we are still in the family home (just sold) and I felt it was inappropriate.
DD has met him. And liked him. Ds 17 hasn't.
He is now refusing to meet him, saying he doesn't want to.
Ex has a partner . He has form for slagging me off in public and spreading rumours.
DD thinks ds is being immature and unfair. I'm hoping he will come round but feel upset about the whole thing.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 03/05/2016 19:24

I should think that others, like me, read " are planning to be together in 18 months once ds is at uni" and missed the bit in brackets where you said you'd sold the family home.

So your children won't be living in the new place with you and your partner?

I got on well with my stepfather, but when I left for uni my half-sister got my room and I couldn't move back in. I did feel quite jealous of people who knew their room was still waiting for them when they finished uni; I felt under pressure to take care of myself fully, with no safety net, and I did feel a little as if I was excess baggage to my mum. Family matters are complicated....

WannaBe · 03/05/2016 19:59

The thing is that in truth there's no real right or wrong answer, and depending on where you post you will get a different set of opinions.

If the OP had for instance fallen pregnant and had a baby with this man (which was unplanned) posters would be saying that the son essentially just needs to accept that this is it now.

If she'd got married to him and they'd moved in together there would be an assumption that he needs to be a bit more respectful, especially if he's seventeen and old enough to know better.

And nowhere does anyone on e.g. The relationships board advocate someone who has left a previous relationship spending the rest of their life alone because the kids might not like it.

There has to be middle ground between the kids having all the say in whether the parent is allowed to move on and the parent moving on with no regard what so ever for the children.

It's not unreasonable for the OP to want her children to meet her partner of two years, or even the man she's been in a relationship with and hopes to build a future with at some point. Equally the children are not unreasonable to not want to meet him or if they do, to not like him. There needs to be compromise in the middle somewhere which states that a separated parent does have the right to move on with their life, that the children don't like it, but that mutual respect is something which should be applied from both sides.

And yes, people are very quick to jump to the "he's seventeen and still a child," line when wanting to justify a position bbut if he e.g. Committed a crime or did something illegal or wanted to go abroad and travel the world his right as an almost adult would be upheld by those same people.

Incidentally, how long do people consider that the family home should be maintained after the children go to Uni? I stayed here after I split from my ex because I wanted my DS to have an equal relationship with both of us. When he leaves for university I won't be able to stay here any more unless I have a job, something which atm is looking increasingly unlikely due to various circumstances. Should I be permitted to sell this house and move somewhere cheaper out of London? Even to where my DP lives? Or should this home be maintained at all costs in case DS wants to come back and live here? Or is it ok to buy a different house in a different town on the basis that he can live there too if he wants - if he can travel independently to university he can travel back to the new town then as well, no?

Yipeekayee72 · 03/05/2016 20:06

He is pretty much an adult and much as you would like it, he doesn't have to meet him if he doesn't want to. I'd be pretty blasé about it to be honest and just explain that you would like them to meet but if he doesn't want to, you will understand but it's not going to change anything if he doesn't.

ravenmum · 03/05/2016 20:13

I'm not sure it's really relevant what people would say if the situation was different. In this specific situation, the son does not have to meet the new partner, so there's no reason he should if he doesn't want to. It might help to sit down with him and discuss how the OP wants what is best for him, including having a good relationship with his mum - which will be difficult if he never meets the man. But always stressing that while this is her hope, she respects her son's feelings. Rather than making him feel bad about not wanting to meet this stranger.

I have a son aged 16 and a daughter aged 18 and I do still see them as in need of my understanding and help. Not just to "justify a position" (why would I fake an opinion??) but because I can see how vulnerable they still are. I was largely left to my own devices at that age and I think it was something of a disadvantage to me.

I was just thinking today that when I do move out of the family home (possibly when my son is 18) I would still like to have, say, an extra bedroom and a bed sofa so they could both stay at mine.

IWILLgiveupsugar · 03/05/2016 20:30

My ILs divorced when my dh was an adult. Even then I would advise you to tread carefully. Once mil was in a new relationship she never went anywhere without her new man in tow. I think this was very insensitive - new man was her choice and not part of our family, yet she never visited dh or the kids without him. Even adults need their parents to be sensitive, post divorce, and this is especially true of kids. 17 is still a child to me. The law might view it as nearly adult but imo there is still a lot of growing up to do.

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