the Ice man cometh

[MrsNameChangey]

I'm sorry if this is a total cliche post, but it's real and I hope you can help.

Husband is a lovely guy, my family think he's great. He's a great dad, we enjoy nights in and the odd night out together on the lash.., know where this is going?

The big problem is a total lack of intimacy. If there's something that needs talking about, I have to weed it out of him, and that's saying something as I'm not the discuss everything type.

Sex is always initiated by me, unless he complains that he hasn't had sex in a while, and he complains in a physical way (balls ache etc).

Lately I've been ill and had and operation, and need time recovering. We've had three sexual encounters since, he's orgasmed each time, me not at all, no attempt to satisfy me whatsoever.

He took the kids to see his family at the weekend to give me a break as I'm recovering. I asked him several times how his family were, what they said etc, I just got "oh the usual " each time. Tonight I commented that I was a bit hurt that nobody from his family has asked how I was after the op, he replied "oh everyone asked about you, I assumed you'd know that". Well I far from knew, that are also the distant sort.

This is just bringing to a head how I've felt for a long time. I feel frozen out. I know things can get forgotten in everyday life and routine, but I'm really feeling like we're just going through the motions for the kids. Just getting what we need done, but he's like an acquaintance to me.

He's an IT guy, and often claims geekiness as his defence, plus his parents being reserved. The problem is I can't shrug my shoulders and carry on even though he's a great dad. I feel like I'm being starved of affection and I can't go on like this.

Any input would be appreciated. I know there are people suffering in much worse relationships, which makes me feel that this may be normal. Is it normal?

Sorry to hear about your problems, to give you an insight I work in IT it is a hot bed of undiagnosed autism or certainly spectrum individuals. Has he ever too a basic online autism test. I score highly on the spectrum. I seldom initiate sex as I don't read the signs and if I do a bit of cuddling and get no response I withdraw. It sounds awfully selfish but that's how I feel inside. If my partner has rejected my advances several times due to illness etc I can become distant. Also the not putting in much effort can be the feeling of being booked in. As for not sharing conversations I do that too! It's cos I see little value in the day to day stuff and would only mention a stand out fact! Sorry we are so weird but we see the world a bit different a little like the matrix film! It's all binary. Have you expressed yourself in a simple clear way I follow clear instructions but I can't decipher hints as a crude example if someone keeps mentioning their birthday and how much they like a perfume they may end up with a laptop as that's a great gift in my mind. If however they said I want channel for birthday I understand. I know it all sounds cold and selfish but it's what I need at least. It doesn't mean we don't care or love we are just slightly odd. Sorry for the long response but you didn't specify a max length (terrible geek joke sorry) wish you both all the best.

If he was similarly non-communicative about everday and neglectful of your sexual needs before you married, then wtf did you tie the knot? it's normal for him.

If he was fundamentally different during your courtship it's possible that complacency has bred not so much contempt as indifference to your needs.

Either way, I would have thought you may be able to find some common ground through couples counselling, or by plastering post-it notes in places where he can't possibly miss them giving clues or explicit directions as to what he's expected to do/say .

Think of it as puppy training without the need for frequent trips to the great outdoors and banish him to a tent in the garden if he fails to do the business in the living room and the bedroom.