How do you cope when they think you're the bitch from hell?

[NamelessNolly]

Arghhhhhhhh. Last year I divorced my very, very abusive dh. I've name changed for this as my divorce was well known on here for the severity of my exdh's behaviours. I've just bumped into my ex's best friend & wife for the first time post divorce (people I used to be really friendly with) & it was REALLY awkward. Two of them smugly married & one of me. I felt the ground burning my feet as I walked away. Of course they'll only know exdh's side of the story about what a nutty midlife crisis I had & how I dumped my ex the day after his mum was buried. They won't know anything about the police involvement or the ultimatum child protection gave me to leave or our kids would go into care. It's agony being thought of badly, I'm weak as it is learning to cope having managed to escape such a man. How do you cope with black eyes upon you?

Let them glare - you know the truth.

I started a new job 10 weeks ago and have already walked out, resigned, had the resignation rescinded and a grievance meeting against the boss due to their treatment of me. The boss is now out for revenge. And you know what - I don't give a flying fuck. I hold my head high. I am not a bully. I don't need their job, but I do love it so bossman can go fuck themselves and the horse they rode in on. I can feel those eyes on me every day.

I suspect the boss' revenge will have to be water tight. But it is just another example of bad treatment that I can show is bullying. So by even thinking of it, it is proof they are a bully.

Take their weight and use it against them. First rule of self defence.

You know what. Sometimes in life you need to step up your inner bitch to protect and look after yourself. Of course not top be nasty to others but to rise up and think fuck you. I don't give a shit because I know who and what I am. That's what I do. AND I repeat it over and over again.

In my head I think you're not worthy but I'll take pity on you and talk to you because you feel you need to talk to me. Let the inner bitch rise!!

And I can do the whole gushing raise one eye brow look and pop in a few 'hello dear, I'm fine dear. , my life is so fabulous right now ((and talk alot about yourself ...' just takes pracrise!

Your ex's best friends are always going to be on his side. But who cares? You'll make new friends who'll soon see how great you are. For years I used to put people right on my abusive ex-husband's behaviour but I don't bother now. The other day a mate of his said, of our divorce; 'Oh well it takes two to tango. 6 of one, half dozen of the other etc'. I felt it was a very positive sign that I simply couldn't be arsed to tell her the truth.

You probably can't do much about what they think of you unless you can tell them the truth (& care enough to bother). But you can:

• thank whatever you believe in that you are now in the position of having to go along with the lie that you are awful rather than the lie that your exh is decent
• feel sorry for them for being deceived by him rather than feeling deferential to their judgement of you
• pass on good karma by not making assumptions about anyone else when you don't know the full story, & bring your kids up the same way
• also, maybe, feel angry with them? I don't know the backstory but I have certainly encountered situations where the abuser's friend almost chose not to know there was something wrong. It's complicated of course & part of what the abuser manipulates, but it is okay to feel angry with them.

Let them walk a single solitary metre in your shoes... Think about it.

I'm guessing you have not done any/much therapy? If this is the case, you need to rectify this.

Abuse does not go away by itself, you have to fix the damage abusers do. You have to be able to challenge all the shitty things were taught to believe about ourselves by these broken and evil people.

Most abuse victims think that nobody notices their situation, this isn't always correct. Your friends may know more than you think, but they have chosen to believe him.

In which case they are absolutely no loss to you.

Who cares what anyone thinks? The only opinions that matter are your own and the opinion of your children.

Have you done the freedom programme? In person?

"I don't care what you think about me, I don't think about you at all"

My mantra after my divorce. I lost a lot of friends who whilst initially angry at exs affair thought I should move on and get over it, these things happen, he's a good bloke really etc etc

Fuck them all

You can never really know what other people think or how much they know in a situation like this, any more than they can possibly know about the details of your situation and why you ended the relationship.

They may well have decided to stick by him on the basis of what he told them because they thought that was the right/least awkward thing to do. They may just not want to 'get involved' or 'take sides' or whatever.

YOU, however, DO know what happened and you bravely saved your children from going into care. You know that you did the right thing. I'll bet it was a massive step at the time and bloody awful for you.

So well done you. Forget about them because they don't matter and your children do matter.

They won't know anything about the police involvement or the ultimatum child protection gave me to leave or our kids would go into care.

So why not tell them? If they're his best friends they'll probably still side with him - cunts of a feather flock together after all - but at least you'll know you're not still keeping his secrets.

What Imbroglio said.

The only people who need to know anything are a) you b) your kids c) the people who were there for you and didn't judge. Anyone who made their minds up on the back of a one-sided story is a judgmental holier-than-thou type whose opinion can be placed firmly where the sun doesn't shine.