Hand holding please - I've done it and am bit of a mess

[StarsAligning]

I've told him I want to split. 14 years of marriage 3 kids. Been wavering for a long time

He's gone off to a mates. I must have told him ten times but he didn't want to listen. He was very reasonable. I think he's in denial. I feel shit

Pot smoker
Gamer

I have to cope with the lions share of the house work, childcare, admin you name it and I work pt

He hardly sounds like a husband and father, more like just some bloke who happens to live in the house.

If he's got "issues" to do with his upbringing then smoking pot will have nothing but adverse effects. He's an effing idiot if he doesn't appreciate this! He's also an effing idiot to be doing this when there are three children at home needing a parent's presence and engagement. Selfish and irresponsible git.

rages against the world
Can get paranoid
Victim mentality
Obsessive
Suicidal thoughts

All of these could be attributed to his pot-smoking.

You're absolutely right to be calling time on this marriage. And it's completely understandable to have a wobble or two while going through this. I would advise you to stand firm as best you can.

Thank you. Am feeling shit today. I don't know what to do. I'm not strong enough to turf him out but I certainly don't want to try again. Shit.

Will book that relate session.

Just posting to offer support. I suspect that this is the hardest point to be at. You've told him it's over and no doubt angsted over it for months but since he hast actually gone it's still very much unfinished business. It sounds unlikely that he will pop upstairs and pack a case right now so it will be up to you to grit your teeth and continue the course you've started.

From your list above it does sound a miserable way to live. Splitting might be the catalyst that makes him change but since he's already having professional help it seems unlikely.

Would seeing a solicitor help?

Thanks. No I don't think seeing a solicitor will help. It's not that he won't go but I can't push him to go. I'm too soft. He did say 'when should I move out' but I started crying.

I'm trying to focus on the bad behaviour, which is quite easy really but wrt actually saying 'I want you to leave' I just can't seem to say it. I suppose I was hoping he'd understand and not make me force it. He's talked me round...

I don't think you necessarily have to think of it as 'he talked you round', I would try to view these next few weeks as a sort of transition period for you both. It will give him time to start to come to terms with splitting up, you time to strengthen your resolve so you don't crumble when the actual split happens and, if you've done as he asked and waited till this period with his work is over he can't accuse you of 'choosing a bad time' and you're less likely to keep putting it off waiting for 'the right time'. Hopefully by then you'll have been able to get some help from relate to guide you through the process, it might even give you chance to prepare the DC a bit for what's to come. Maybe it's best like this, a sort of tactical withdrawal rather than anything too abrupt and brutal. Don't beat yourself up for not being able to just say 'I want you to leave', this will be a wrench for you too so it's understandable you're not finding it that easy, you've started the ball rolling which is a step in the right direction, it might actually turn out better in the long run if everyone has a little time to get their heads round it all before the final split

Reet - thanks for your kind words. A lot of what you say makes perfect sense

I must keep sleeping in the spare room mustn't I? As painful as it might be for him.

Relate is mega booked up, shit. I'm looking on the BACP website now for private counsellors

NaiceHam - I think you said that you're going to do it sorry if I'm mixed up. Has anything happened?

And thank you to everyone else, this really does help shift through all the shit in my mind!