He's gone

[ThankGodItsThursday]

I've been lurking for a long time but have just joined.

My husband of 12 years has just gone. He says he doesn't love me anymore. We've not been happy like we used to be for a while but I thought it was just something we would get through.

I'm numb and so scared.

Listen, he's had a lot longer to prepare for this than you have. He's been planning it for some time but it's come like a bolt from the blue for you.

Some people are not willing to sit down and talk about issues in their relationship, they just cast around for a replacement.

Your husband is a prize bloody shit!

Be in no doubt: every day that passes is another day closer to getting over this foul betrayal.

Do not feel like you have to get practical stuff sorted immediately. Everything can be put on the back-burner for a bit until you feel stronger.

What's the worst that could happen? He stops paying a share of the mortgage, you struggle and the lender forecloses. If any of this happens you are a year away from it, maybe more. Meanwhile you heal and make a new life for yourself.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be very hard. Not least because he has been very selfish in excluding you from his thoughts. He sounds quite cowardly actually. So I'm glad you told him to go - that gives some of the control back to you and shows you will not be messed with.

I know it must seem completely impossible to consider a very different future, but I suspect you will feel different as time goes on. I'm the same age as you, single with two DCs - 14 and 12, and I don't consider myself too old to make a new friend. Definitely not. We may not be young, but we still have plenty going for us.

I can share only one thing. Take control of your own fate, you will start to feel better. Start talking to a solicitor, think about where you could live, work etc. Don't let him decide anything without you thinking about it first. Look after yourself. He has been a real let down, but you will survive and be ok afterwards

I know what you are all saying is true but it's so hard at the moment.

I'm a very closed in person and find it almost impossible to reach out to people and show weakness.

I did force myself to text my brother and we spoke for nearly an hour which was good.

Thanks for the kind words and advice it is helping and reading and replying gives me something to do.

Reaching out for help isn't a sign of weakness.
When you are ready, you will make new friends, connect with old ones. Little steps. All in good time.

Glad you spoke to your brother, OP. I have two siblings, we live in 3 countries but we are still very close. Distance is not an obstacle to being close in the days of internet.

When you are a private person you are reluctant to ask for help. But it's ok.. Surprisingly you will find lots of people are eager to help, when you summon up the courage to open up. They often open up back.

I am so sorry x

On a practical note, would it work to take in a lodger to hold off on the panic about having to sell the house ?

OP, in case you don't know, you can let a room in your house and make up to£7,500 pa without incurring tax.

My daughter has just made me cry.

Won't go into details but she has just been so thoughtful she made me really proud. And my ex (her dad but we were never married) and his new partner have been so thoughtful too.

It's silly things I keep thinking about. Last weekend we drove around an area we would have liked to live and looked in estate agents windows. Friday night he asked what was for dinner on Sunday and when I told him so and so he said he wanted to cook his new dish for us.

Letting out a room isn't practical but thanks for the thought.

So your brother spend ages on the phone to you
Your DD has been supportive
Your ex and his partner have been kind

See, you are not alone . There are people in your life who want to support and help you through this difficult time. You just need to reach and and tell people what has happened .

No one will judge you . If you heard that a friends husband had left , would you think

" oh I wonder what she did to cause that ? "

Of course you wouldn't , you would think

" oh poor jane, how awful for her, I wonder how I can help , I must phone / text her/ call round with a bottle of wine "

You are doing really well . Keep telling people, they will lend you some strength until you get over this initial shock .

Have you eaten again today ?

Kr1stina thanks for your kind words.

I've had to cook tea for us both and managed to eat a small amount. It was hard but I know I need to try.

I suppose I'm scared of reaching out and being rejected so I just don't reach out.

Back at work tomorrow which I'm dreading. In one way it will be a good thing to have to try and carry on like normal and have a routine but I'm so worried about breaking down and crying which I keep doing at the moment.

I suppose when I say I don't have anyone I mean a few close female friends who would come round with that bottle of wine and let me cry. I also think that if I had those friends at some point in the future we'd have a night out etc. At the moment I'm wallowing in self pity and whilst my daughter is being wonderful and my ex is being thoughtful they aren't people I can socialise with going forward. That's what you do with friends or your partner and I don't have either.

I think you are going to discover strong new friendships that are already around you, which you didnt realise were already there. Trust that Life will look after you x