Internet porn - your opinions needed

[BUZZ1]

I recently found my DH uses internet porn about once a week and am shocked and devestated. We have 2 small children and a generally happy marriage and sexlife. I feel threatened, shocked, discusted and very unhappy. He says its widespread, normal and that I am naive. It is driving a huge wedge between us and I have no idea of how to sort it out. Do i have to accept it as part of our marriage?
In particular do you think internet porn is worse than mags or DVD's and is once a week excessive?

personally I don't have a problem with porn, as long as it's not violent or child-related.
it honestly wouldn't bother me if dh looked at it once a week but if it bothers you and makes you unhappy then it doesn't matter how many people do it, and no, you don't have to accept it.
I don't think it's any worse tan dvd's or magazines

I dont have a problem with it either. Dont think that internet porn is any worse than dvd's or mags. If it upsets you then he should be prepared to make a compromise, do you see mags or dvd's as less shocking? He should respect your views but likewise perhaps you could think about his too. He probably doesnt think it is anything bad at all. Good luck with it!

I think it's pretty normal, tbh, as long as it doesn't involve children or violence.
My dh won't look at it on the internet, though - he says there's too great a risk of viruses and pop ups. When your kids are old enough to use the computer you don't want a huge erect willy popping up on the screen, do you?
Also make sure that he knows not to look at it on a work computer - even out of hours it will be monitored and he could be sacked.
Although I don't think he's depraved or anything, I do think it's a bit mean of him to keep looking at it now he knows it upsets you.

I'd rather have my dh using paper/video porn as it's more open and I could have a look too if I wanted. I think it's healthier if porn is something to share (even if you're not that into it yourself). Is it the porn content or the sneaking about that makes you feel worse?
I guess also some men with very high sex drives will need to masturbate a lot more (esp with a tired wife) so I might have a bit more sympathy if that were the case (Just glad my dh doesn't!).

i don't think the medium matters- and if it's on the net, the kids won't find it i suppose. I know mine looks from time to time (as have i) and the things he looks at are along the lines of things we like to do, so i don't find it very threatening.

If a DP/DH is looking constantly, ignoring their wife and damaging her confidence or happiness though, i'd say something was really up. (if you pardon the pun)

I cringe when i think about when i found DP's ancient stash of mags when i was 17 (he's 11yrs older) i was very insecure at the time, went home and left a note saying to ring me when he'd thrown it all away because he obviously wanted it more than me i felt very silly afterwards, and even sillier when i got mega confident (and we made some of our own further down the line )

You feel shocked now, let it sink in, and see what you feel then. Perhaps he'd love you to take an interest too, and it's not some dirty secret to hurt you. Of course you don't HAVE to accept it, you're entitled to your feelings (as is he)

I believe it is more damaging than mags etc. There is so much more invitation and temptation to interact available on the net than in mags. Little by little people get sucked in to chat rooms, dating sites, emailing... it's a minefield.

Also much harder to control the content as internet is world wide.

Most important is this: is he doing something behind your back that he wouldn't do right in front of your face? If so, there is something wrong.

It's extremely hurtful and insulting for a man to sit in one room looking at sex on a screen when they have a real woman who loves them waiting alone in another room.

Has broken many a marriage and many a heart, has damaged children - they do find it on computers. Not harmless.

Sometimes i think us girlies are worse than the men you know.......

except they probably wouldnt put a at the end of a sentance about it....

My dh is away alot and he phoned distraught cos his laptop had broken...he was more upset as his entire porn stash hed been wiped! I just laughed a wicked laugh

Agree with Anorak completely. Porn in itself is just porn.. visual stimulation; men are visual creatures; there will always be more of them into then there are women.

Internet porn is something else. Often it is just used in the same way as magazine porn always has been.. but there is the constant invitation on the net, for it become more interactive and subsequently more damaging to the relationship. A lot of men will accept this "invitation" without thinking through the consequences. There begins a habit and a web of deceit.

personally,it would be the sneaking about that bothered me.i dont think theres anything wrong with porn but if you are in a relationship it should be something you share IMO.my dp knows that i would consider him looking at porn behind my back as cheating.fair enough if a man want s to have a wank,but i can manage to do diy without looking at pictures so why shouldnt men?

i agree with those who say internet porn has the potential to be more damaging.

obviously everyone is different and has different views on the subject,but dont let your dh fob you off with 'everybody else does it'.have you asked him how he would feel if the situation were reversed?he needs to consider your feelings and decide whats important to him.

My ds was 10 when he told me he was at a friend's house and they got a pop up of a woman performing fellatio.

'Her mouth was wide open like THIS Mummy...

...I'd never let anyone do that - I mean, should could have bitten it right off, couldn't she?!'

We never get things like that on our computer because dh has enough sense not to 'browse' on a computer that his children use.

We have borrowed videos in the past but it doesn't do anything much for our love life because they always make me pmsl!

Well that killed the thread, didn't it?!

Hi BUZZ. I sympathise as I have been in this situation and felt exactly the same. I hate the thought of my husband being turned on by someone else. Perhaps that is immature (though I am 33!) but I find it hard to distinguish between porn and if he actually visited a prostitute - apart from it being safer from a sexual health point of view. I think if you are into looking at porn together, and it ends up with you having sex together then that's something different. Porn can be an addiction in men, like anyone else, and with the internet it is almost always instantly accessible if you have a 'craving'.

My dh says at times it has been an addiction for him, and he tends to do it when he is stressed. The good thing is he is honest about it (afterwards!) and we do agree that it is not good, particularly as I find it hurtful.

Thanks for all your messages, must say you've made me more open minded and made me think. We have now ordered some DVD's and are going to watch them together and we are talking (trying not to argue!) about it a lot and DH is being more honest about it. Still not comfortable if he does it behind my back and I think I will always find it hurtful.

Hey , porn is a normal way of life for most/all men and many women too. its nothing to get upset about - i can guarantee that about 95% of all the men you know, whether its dads at school or men at work, use porn regularly. Whats the big deal anyway? its hardly cheating on someone, or hurting anyone.
Chill, i say!

BUZZ1 - but now you've discussed it, he isn't going behind your back if he looks now and again, is he?
Otherwise the poor man is going to have to say 'By the way, darling, I'm just off to the computer with a pack of tissues, ok?'

Turns out my DP has loads of nude pictures saved on the computer....

of me I thought it was very romantic personally. Has warmed my heart that has!

Keep them locked away from your kids - don't want them sharing them round at school

only 7mths at the moment...but it's a thought for the future certainly!

I find these threads really sad. I think that if some people have a problem with it ? then that should mean that there is some issue there at least? There must be some gut instinct to life?

Where do naivety and cynicism overlap?

It is as if women come from two different planets when it comes to this issue. I find that amazing.

We are in our twenties/thirties/forties and ? it happens! Where were we before? That must be so upsetting in itself. To one?s security and self-esteem ? before addressing the sexuality. We thought we had learnt most things about sexuality, inlaws, hierarchies at work, materialism, child-rearing, good and evil, right and wrong, trust, loyalty, fidelity. How did we not see this one coming?

Has the internet drawn men in with its ease of access ? or has an issue been raised that was actually there before? Are we now learning more about men than we ever have known before ? or are we knowing more about our particular man than we would like to know ? and so is he himself now different than the man who we thought he was?

Romance. Love and Sex. Madonna-Whore. Misogony. Sex War.

Victorian days/ Birth Control/ Syphilis. Sixties ? Love/Sex?

One thing is absolutely obvious ? It is not very romantic is it!!

Why can?t he take pictures of you looking seductive etc and use those when you are unavailable? One poster here says hers does. Nothing wrong with that ? so long as you are happy with how you are portrayed. An important point. Is that enough? Is that what he really wants? You are not the gagging girl. Are you not the the tart he pays.

What is one of the first words our children speak? ?Mine?. Although we should not possess another adult ? the idea of romance is that of a union of souls. The soulmate. It would be unrealistic to expect that either ourselves or our partners never had an erotic dream about somebody else. Dreams we cannot control. But, somehow, it still feels as if there is a daylight sexuality that we should try to control. Maybe this is a decision which starts in our late teens? By then we will have all been exposed to pornography ? of some sort ? and made choices. Agreed ? harder for males to resist. If lack of resistance becomes a habit ? they enter a relationship with more than one woman. Also ? what is their real desire to do things that their chosen partner would not want? This becomes sadder over time with the internet ? because you can see anything. You can escalate with chatrooms.

Erotica/ Soft Porn. Hard-core etc.

It has to be a highly-complex issue. Only the woman herself within the specific relationship can really decide whether this is really what she wants for her love-sex life.

I can?t help but feel that with women ? once we apply the same attitude to the realtionships ? the love is dead. Maybe this isn?t the same for the male. We are very different.

Ironically, though, I think that women are actually more physical creatures. Maybe we really would stray if we applied the same careless rules? I really don?t know what would happen to society then. Where would the children be? In the crèche? Nature has decided that a woman could have sex with another male within 10min of the last. So, she makes the environment of the initial egg and sperm interaction hostile to any other. Were women to be truly monognomous ? this would be unnecessary. I think that at a fundamental level men know this.

Think twice before you just share your sexuality with the rest of the world. Just because he wants to ? maybe you don?t. But at least you will decide by trying. Don?t cheapen yourself unless you really feel that it will help. I agree that secret sexual desire destroys a relationship. There comes a point where it is ?out of it ? or ?share?. I don?t think that you can alter a person in their sexual desires and tendancies.

I recently found out that my dh had been using internet porn on our laptop at home. He swore he hadn't, even though he and I are the only ones to use that computer. It hasn't done much for the trust in our relationship or my self esteem. He doesn't seem to think there is a problem though and said he lied to protect my feeelings. Hmm, he never has been one to own up to his responsibiltities. Always blame someone else is his motto.
I can only assume men that need this sort of stimulation all the time must be severely lacking in imagination.

I think that is the problem marimoo, when there is lying - there is a difference between having to say, just going upstairs to look at some porn darling, and completely denying something that is true. I would also be very upset in your situation.

Plus if one partner does have a problem with it, then it is a problem and it needs to be addressed, no? I don't think it is helpful to say, well almost all men look at it, it is normal - this may be true but it will not help someone who's partner looks at it and it makes them feel terrible

My dh doesn't have time to masturbate, let alone look on the net for porn! Sometimes at weekends if I take the kids out so he can do (real) DIY, I have to remind him to have a w*, esp if we've not had sex that week. I feel sorry for him because I can do it myself a lot quicker and more discreetly .

You have to remind him to have a wank??? It's not like eating/sleeping/taking medication.. he won't self implode/become ill is he doesn't!!!