I've spoken before about issues with the inlaws spoken before about issues with the inlaws, but under a different username. This is very long...
I gave birth just over a week ago. In laws visited after one week (they live 5 mins drive away, retired, no commitments) after fil calling my husband to say they'd be visiting a relative in hospital so could they visit beforehand so not to pass on any germs to the baby they they may pick up in the hospital. Sounds ok/thoughtful huh? This is one of their usual ways of getting to do what they want, when they want, so we are often on the receiving end of thinly veiled manipulation that would make us feel guilty if we said no/wouldn't agree. They'd actually visited the relative the previous day. They ask for photos by way of saying a dying relative 'would love to see a photo before they pass on'. No problem having a photo, but why throw in a guilt trip? The relative has been 'dying' for the past ten years...
Anyway...they arrived, said absolutely nothing to me for the ten minutes they visited. Not a hello, not a how are you/baby etc...We have a very strained relationship - a little background - two days after giving birth to my eldest child, mil said she'd hold the baby so I could clean/make dinner - I did say at the time I had no plans to be doing either that I was going to be busy bonding with my baby. I said on a number of occasions in the weeks following the birth of my first child that I was struggling to get to the toilet/eat /drink due to the baby constantly crying/ fussing and never wanting the be put down, which incidentally lasted well over a year as he was such and still is a high needs baby/child. I was a new mum with absolutely no help and wanted someone to just understand and help out/hold the baby - even if it was 5 minutes to allow me to go to the toilet, so I don't think I was asking for much. Mil just said 'I don't understand' and 'oh', but in front of others said how she'd love to help me out. I've been accused of slamming a door in mil's face (never happened). There's also a huge issue with bil once accusing his father of something inappropriate, which he (bil) now says he got wrong. We are nc with bil because of this. He still has regular contact with his parents (inlaws) and uses them for weekly free meals/lifts etc. Absolutely no shame.
Issues started with the inlaws when we cancelled our wedding about 8/9 years ago as it became more about who the inlaws wanted to invite, rather than us and the threatened use of saying that husband's grandparents would never forgive him if they couldn't see him get married. Btw, we eloped in the end.
My reason for this post is, I've had enough, I'm tired of all this negativity. I don't want my children thinking this is normal behaviour, that's OK to treat their mother like this or picking up on the negativity. My husband is supportive and has spoken to his parents previously about their behaviour as he is embarrassed by them and their actions; it didn't change anything, but we distanced ourselves and limited contact to every two/three months or so. I've also spoken to mil too, which she then blamed me for everything - how she's been in tears etc, no apologies or reaction to how I felt. My husband says she's selfish and always was whilst he growing up - but she comes across as very sweet and in front of others is overly familiar with the children as if she knows them more than she does and insinuates that she's far more hands on as a grandmother than she is. It's all very strange. Fil is also a little like this, but not as intense.
My children actually only see them whilst we are present as we do not trust mil to start saying things/dropping ideas into their heads and obviously the comments re fil from bil has planted a seed in our heads too, although my husband struggles to believe what his brother accused their dad of. The children don't know them that well due to only seeing them every few months, but get treated well by them in our presence.
I'm all for going total nc. I said to my husband i'd disappear upstairs whenever they visited, but he doesn't think I should have to do that in my own home. We last visited their house in August 2015, where again I was pretty much ignored. Husband will support me in any decision, but I don't think I could ever ask him to go nc with his parents, that has to be his choice. It's more as to whether just myself and the children go nc or just myself. I grew up with a similar situation and as an adult I feel I really missed out on relationships with extended family, which still upsets me; however there is no extended family in this situation, just mil, fil and bil. The big issue I had, which makes me question whether my children should go nc is as a child I remember my grandparents and uncles speaking so badly about my parents and absolutely hating it, but feeling very confused and unsure who to believe. I don't want my children to ever feel like that.
If I included every detail, I'd be here all day and I appreciate this is already a very lengthy post, so I've only included a few bits to give some background, but the fact is, it's just causing me too much stress. I'm anxious whenever they visit and quite frankly don't want to feel like that anymore.