love and getting old

[carben]

I have been in a relationship for 25 years. I have 2 children aged 12 (twins) who were an ultimatum as I turned 39 and a result of IVF. Partner has life long health problems..

I am in love with my first love - I initiated contact about 2 yrs ago. He's on his 3rd marriage - no kids but happy. Wants to stay married. I accept that.

We have talked and talked and met up 3 times. No sex - some kissing. I love him still and feel no guilt. He reluctantly admits he cares still but is full of guilt.

We are currently not in contact - instigated by me and I am positive it's the right thing to do. But I can feel myself edging towards thinking what the hell and making a fool of myself yet again and getting in touch.

When you're a certain age and realising that life is finite it's hard to stop the urge to grab happiness where you can. Tell me how wrong I am.

And what happiness are you imagining? Being his bit on the side?

You talk about getting older, but sound positively adolescent.

Oh dear.
Midlife crisis then.
Buy a Porsche?
Take up road cycling?

Grab happiness if you want to.
If you don't love your husband then treat him with respect and leave him.

But keep these things in mind:

1. If you do love him and you just want some midlife crisis excitement for this "happiness" then it's your children's happiness you're fucking with

1. This first love of yours? You sound desperate. He's a cheating arsehole (as are you). So not a catch really.

1. He's not bothered about you. "Reluctantly admits he cares". So - he doesn't care at all but says he does when you're hassling him cos he's still hoping the kissing will turn into you fucking him

Seriously - happiness will not be found with him. Buy a bike.

I suspect Cabrinha's right. Its very undetstandable that you want something 'more' if your DH is badly affected by his illness. Maybe find a 'spouses of sick people' type board / chat room to share and vent, if its getting you down.

And as pp say, if you need to leave, leave. But not like this.

I am getting older

It doesn't make me go off and snog OM

That would be because you are a cheat. Own your behaviour.

You're not really in love with him. It's just one of those rose-tinted day dreams. If you'd been married to him for 25 years, you'd not feel like this. Keep it as a daydream.

You can have happiness without destroying five other people's lives.

Look inside yourself at what makes you happy, friends, family, doing something which fulfills you, doing something useful to the community. Not betraying your husband and children, sexual novelty, running away from your responsibilities and abandoning your moral values.

I don't think your wrong. However current society finds it hard to except you might love/like more than one person at a time, it's about control. You will get a flaming on here! You have been warned!

You talk about getting older, but sound positively adolescent.

I have to laugh at this. Newsflash: the only thing that changes as you get older is your body. The rest stays the same.

MN take a dim view of adultery op.

I still feel 19! But know I am 20 odd years older and have more sense.

I don't hold on to the ideas I had in my teens and twenties that my 'great love' will return and sweep me off my feet.

I think you sound rather lonely, unloved & lost. Perhaps the future's not that inviting, you're clutching at the one glimmer of interest on the horizon, or just pining for your younger self. It's easy for people to judge harshly from the outside, but it can happen to anyone.

Before you leap too hastily into anything, try to see past the apparently ecstatic allure of this thrilling long-held fantasy. Read the tales (online) of people who have had affairs; they rarely turn out well. Romance in a famously fickle thing & things can get ugly very quickly. People get seriously hurt. In this case, your husband & the other man's partner. You may well end up being hated by everyone concerned, including by this other man and by yourself. And remember what's done can't be undone.

Naturally, leave your current relationship if that's what you need to do. Indeed, maybe even join this other man some day, if he also becomes free. But either way, do it all with a clear head & a clean conscience.

Alternately take a break if you can, to gain a sense of perspective. Visit family/friends abroad. Go see something you've always wanted to. Gather some more fulfilling, long-term goals for your bucket list -- ones that are about you, rather than anyone else. Make sure to give yourself the space to think freely & look properly at your life, rather than rushing headlong into what may well be just an elaborate displacement activity.

People fall in love and fancy others all the time, just doesn't suit the finance/kids/keeping up appearances situation of marriage.

Marriage was created by religion and the government to control people - time to wake up everyone who feels this way, your feelings are normal and human?

Having said that I have to agree with cabrinha in this particular case.