Life is getting unbearable

[AndThisIsIt]

My DP is an alcoholic, I think he has a personality disorder (paranoid personality disorder) and I am starting to feel desperate... as he is incapable of offering any support just blame, paranoia and more blame.... it's a long and hideous story...
We are in an impossible situation... he made some bad decisions 8 years ago which have rendered him financially blacklisted (CCJs/Personal Guarantee called in/Bailiffs at the door...but not bankrupt as we couldn't afford the fee!) I started a business 4.5 years ago which he gave up work to join me in. His alcohol abuse, my severe PND and the arrival of DS2 (and being totally out of my depth) resulted in the business failing with significant debt. However in the meantime we became business partners with another couple (me & them) to give us another chance and so I didn't have to declare myself bankrupt. Our business is now gathering pace under the wing of BPs and there is a light at the end of this very long tunnel.
During the last few years I have really struggled to make ends meet... I have focused on the day to day & keeping the wolf from the door. Our landlord didn't notice or comment when rent went unpaid for 6 weeks...8 weeks... 12 weeks... in the face of everything else his silence made its importance slip down the list as I dealt with the loudest shouters and the most pressing needs (food/fuel etc)
We have now have rent arrears of £12,750. Which the landlord has now realised.
I had completely lost track of this. I cannot believe I have done something so utterly stupid and ridiculous... my children's home is now in jeopardy because I took my eye off the ball.
I don't know what to do now. This is such an enormous figure... I can't afford to pay anything significant towards it each month... if the business goes to plan I will be earning a reasonable salary by this time next year but until then we survive on housing benefits and tax credits... no income at all from business.
DP is blaming me completely and is convinced I have done this deliberately to get rid of him. He thinks the rental agreement is in his name and he will be solely responsible for the arrears (it's not - he isn't). I can't reason with him (drunk/shouty/horrible) and I don't know who to turn to.
I can't speak to my family as they all despise him and will not be helpful (other than telling me to LTB) and I am so utterly ashamed of letting this situation get so far out of hand - I thought we were maybe 3/4 months in arrears... not 17!!!
I know this is my fault but these arrears are not all in the last 17 months - they go back to 2012 - a month here, a month there... it gets worse last year when I was contemplating bankruptcy and paying off business debts but landlord never mentioned anything... I hope he will be understanding but why should he...

I left my abusive alcoholic husband 9 months ago. It's the best thing I've ever done.

Unless your DH wants to stop drinking, he won't. You can't fix him. Read up on co-dependency.

King of the Castle?

I'm bombarding you, apologies. I suppose I'm trying to WAKE YOU UP! (plus your experiences are too close to my own)

He doesn't see his drinking as being the problem. He blames our business partners, his ex-business partners, his ex-wife, his grown up children, his parents, my parents, our children (for always interrupting him) - he genuinely thinks he is the victim. And now he thinks I have been plotting for four years to deliberately put us in rent arrears to force his hand.
I have spent 10 years with this man through thin and thinner and this is his response to a crisis. We would have been able to afford the rent every month if he hadn't been spending £45+ per week on booze and fags... I am such an idiot.

Oh OP, your story makes me want to cry. You're carrying so much weight and have been for so long, your 'D'P blames you for this mess which is so clearly entirely of his making, is drunk/shouty/horrible, has isolated you from your family in as much that you don't feel you can go to them for help because they despise him, won't leave when you ask him to and makes you fear for valued possessions (your mums things) if you leave him, all of this and you don't think you're being abused? You've had fantastic advice on here already and I've no doubt more will come, in fact there will be someone on here who can help you take every single step you need to take to get free of this mess he's got you into. Please take it, you would not be wasting Women's Aid's time or resources, they're there to help women in all sorts of abusive situations and, hard though it may be to accept, you absolutely are in an abusive situation. I'm not often so affected by threads on here but your desperation shines through every word you've posted and I feel so sad for you but there's strength in your posts too, I believe you can pull yourself and your DC through this mess and out the other side. There's a massive amount of support on here, use it and gather as much RL support as you can too, you can do this

Thank you Fern25 - for your time, consideration and reading between the lines. I will move forward now. Tonight has been my line in the sand. Being accused of deliberately creating this situation by my P (no D I think) has underlined how pointless this all is. How he can think I would do this deliberately is beyond belief. How I can function seeing our bank balance diminish day by day as he "pops to the garage" and then leaves me without the means to pay the rent this week... I kept thinking - I'll sort it out next week. It will be fine. They never notice anyway. But now its changed. I cannot live like this anymore.

The beauty of it is you don't have to, help is out there waiting for you, take it and make a new life for you and your DC's. The transition part will be tough, no one's going to tell you what you have in front of you for this next little while will be easy but, when it's done and you're out the other side, you can live your life without this massive weight crushing you, that has to be worth it. I wish I could help you more but I don't have the knowledge and experience of some other posters, I do have a friendly ear and a shoulder you can cry on anytime you like though, feel free to use them

With all due respect, OP, you seem to suggest it is your landlord's fault for not noticing you didn't pay rent for over HALF A YEAR!

No, that is completely down to you. You need to seek help for your inability to deal wih finances. That you are self employed and running a business is alarming - God knows what sort of back taxes you might owe if you forget to pay your rent for 7 out of 12 months.

If your landlord issues you with a Section 21 Notice (have you received one yet?) you will likely have between four and six months until he gains possession of the property. Then, it will be eviction, very possibly with bailiffs at the door. That's one way of getting shot of him for good. As you have children the Local Authority will have an obligation to see them housed. Very likely in a hostel or B&B situation. You will be unlikely to be offered an LA property because of being evicted for rent-arrears.

Is there any possibility that the business could pay you this 12 grand, either in salary, a dividend or a loan?

What is the status of the business, a partnership or limited company? If a court awards possession and the landlord gains a CCJ for the arrears the business could be at risk if it's just a partnership. You need to look into this urgently.

He wants a hundred grand from a business he's not connected to? Pie in the sky. I want a pony but I'm not being given one.

On eviction day offer him a fiver for bus-fare to the JobCentre.

I think that's unfair Upsi, it's all too easy for debt to creep up, especially when your focus is on getting yourself and your DC through day to day life with a partner who makes everything a million times more difficult, forces you to walk on eggshells and second guess their every move so there are no explosions of temper in front of your DC and drinks away the rent money. Burying your head in the sand is a pretty normal response to something you don't feel you have the power to change. OP has already said her business partners are taking care of the business so there's no reason to assume there's an issue with back tax. It's not difficult to see this situation is anything but black and white, there are a thousand different reasons OP has got into a mess with the rent, you'd have to have pretty poor insight to think it can be attributed to her simply 'forgetting'.

Fern, what is unfair? Because she's got a huge amount of stuff to deal with, she is allowed to forget to pay rent for 7 straight months?

I think that any landlord who doesn't miss 17 months of rent either is a business with a very bad accountant/property manager OR the landlord must be going through some very difficult problems of their own. Here's another purely hypothetical perspective: my child has been diagnosed with cancer and for the last two years I have been going though absolute hell. It looks like we're finally seeing the light at end of tunnel and I've been able to sort out of a lot financial stuff I've not been able to get to. I've just discovered the (what I thought was) lovely family we've been renting our property to have completely taken advantage of me dropping the ball and not being able to stay on top of everything. They owe us 17 months of rent - including 7 months of non payment last year when things were at their worst. And now the tenant tells me I should've let her know earlier she didn't pay and is expecting me to be understanding of her situation!

I think any independent landlord who doesn't notice that much money missing must also have some seriously huge problems going on in their lives - so no, I don't think I'm being "unfair" to point out OP needs some independent financial advice to see what else she forgot to pay.

Thanks again Fern25 - you do seem to get it. UpsiLondoes - my landlord is a multi-millionaire. He owns around 100 properties locally. When he came to see us yesterday he said all of his tenants appear to be in medium to major arrears and he isn't sure why...
He asked me to check our figures. I knew we owed a few months... but until I sat and went through each and every bank statement from 2012 I didn't realise how many months were missed. Looking at the statements and thinking back it was always a case of not enough money this week, I'll have to do it next week... and so on and so on. 1 month turned into two... and in some cases 3. Then I'd get three straight months in and feel "on top" of it again. Then another crisis hit. And I fell back behind.
Thanks for your concern about other things - everything else is in hand. All other bills on DD.
We know our landlord reasonably well - he has always been really friendly and knew somewhat of our business struggles. I guess I took the silence as support - like he knew times were tough and he was happy to let us get ourselves sorted out.

there are a lot of 'Ferns' on MN op. Careful what you divulge you'll be hammered for saying you thought the landlord was giving you a break and sticking with you

But in truth I do hope the landlord gives you some space to get yourself sorted.

How do you know he's a multi-millionaire? If he owns a 100 properties and is so shite at finances that his tenants don't pay for months, then he's most likely on a verge of bankruptcy himself.

You do have alot to deal with.How old are your Dc's?

First suggestion is to get debt advice.If your partner is an alcoholic then you can't cure it.I came our of a marriage due to alcohol issues and it was tough but absolutely the best thing I ever did.My children would not be the successful young adults they are had I stayed.Their dad was actually a nice guy but irresponsible and alcohol was just part of that.

You have worked out the debt, that's the wakeup, now take financial advice and then start to plan a life separate from your partner.
You may look back in a few years and realise that the rent arrears were the catalyst to taking action and getting on the road to a better life.

oops! I meant upsil! There are a lot of 'upsils' - ie people who judge what they deem irresponsible financial behaviour and are damning.

Great post, newname