should I forgive?

[sheriwibli]

Ok so this is really long and I'm new to this so apologise in advance.

I've been with my partner/ex for 4 years. I have one child ages 4 who he is/was in the process of adopting. And a now 6 week old who is his. Things have been bad for a while. And just before lil one was born we discussed things needed to change.

Jumping ahead to the week before lil one was born I found him deleting messages on Facebook to a girl he works with. And a few days before I was due I kept watching his Facebook as I was suspicious. So he goes into the bedroom to watch football and he keeps getting messages and deleting them. And I managed to screen shot some before he deleted. And he was basicAlly entertaining himself and sexting her while I was in the other room.

I kept quiet and threw him out the next day. We spoke over and over and eventually once little one was here we started properly talking. He told me he would leave his job. And now has been given managers position so he now refuses.

I'm basically stumped now. Because I don't know where to go from here. He's still living away. But I can't help but still want him. But at the same time. I don't know if I could ever trust him.

I know it bad but we have slept together since. And the next day he goes to work and I can't help but think what he's doing with her.

Any advice would be appreciated. Can it ever be forgiven? Or am I just hurting myself more? x

Mine. He's moved into his friends shared house.

So did he end it and then she decided to fill you in on their conversations?

No it's all a bit confusing. But basically when I found the messages I sent them both the screenshots and sent them both a message saying I suggest he doesn't come back. (He never checks his phone at work so sent it to her mobile too) when the little one was born I told him I needed to know everything. He told me the about the sexting but not that it continued after I kicked him out. I spoke to my sister in law (who also works with them) about it all and she mentioned to the lass what had been said. To which she then phoned me cause she was annoyed he was playing us both off, while messaging me apologising and begging to come back he was messaging her. He only admitted the rest after she phoned

he argues with me over because he wants to come every night after work
Well tough shite really!
He doesn't get to argue and tell when and where.
That is NOT how it works.
You need to get your big girl pants on and tell him to fuck off.
YOU will let him know when he can come round and there is absolutely no way it should be every night.
Stop being his doormat.
Of course he wants to come to you every evening. He's living in a shit hole full of assholes!
Let him wallow in the crap of his own making.

I tried to tell him he can have 2 days a week. Not being when the eldest is at school 2 days a week and he argued he can't get the right days off. Apparently I'm evil because I told him last week if he can't get them days tough. And I'm stoping him seeing the kids. I'm just sick of being made out to be evil. He knows every Sunday we spend the day doing something with my mum and he's now demanding that he should be allowed whichever days he can get. And I'm being unreasonable. I'm just sick of being made out to be hurting the kids.

He's playing on your emotions regarding the kids.
Ignore all his crap.
He's trying to guilt you into doing things you don't want to.
Don't bow down to his emotional blackmail.
You have to keep things as normal and routine as possible for the kids and that is Sunday at your mums.
He can have Friday night or Saturday, his choice.
Stop letting him make you feel guilty.
This is all HIS doing.
He is the one who was cheating, sending disgusting messages and pictures to another woman when you were carrying his child.
Don't let him pass his guilt on to you.
And you get out there and tell everyone what he has done.
Don't be keeping his shitty dirty little secret.
Stop letting him play the victim here.
It's you and kids that are the victims of his vile behaviour.
Always remember that!

Yes you are being stupid.

You and your kids are worth so much more than this shite.

Things got stale?? Oh poor him, it's not like you had just a bloody baby and you had health problems - oh wait yes you did.

He sounds about 15

This is what I would do.

I'd give my head a massive wobble and see what a dick this guy is.

I'd make sure that he did not come to the house.

I'd make sure that he could not contact you for a while

I'd go read a shit loads of self esteem book and find out why the hell you think this bull shit is ok?

Adopting your son?? Yeah great father material!

op wake up

Thank you! Everything I think I'm trying to right he makes me feel like I'm being spiteful. He took this new job knowing how it would affect his time with the kids and now it's my fault that he can't come and see them all the time. I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable to say to him they can't stay at his, and that of he wants to see them he has set days a week. But then he makes me feel guilty if he can't get them off saying I'm hurting the kids by saying no and just doing it to spite him.

Do not allowed your kids to be caught up in this crap.

Can I just say before all this he was a good role model and father toy son or I would have never considered adoption, that is no longer going ahead.

He will have absolutely been shagging her/trying to

Font focus on his job, people have to take what they can.

Focus on building your own self esteem up and getting CS of him - because he has a child to support

Just going back to the "should I forgive part" I couldn't begin to imagine how I could forgive...
about how he would react if the situation was switched?
Do you think he would consider forgiving you?
How do you think you would feel about a 'work colleague' who you have the hots for and have sent each other naked pictures

He is paying csa at the moment. I have to ask because your all mothers. Am I being unreasonable to say to him. He can have Friday and Saturday with the children. If he can't get it off that's his problem.

You're still doing it!
Listening to his whining shite of emotional blackmail.
Stop it.
You do what is best for YOU!
He chose to fuck this up - NOT YOU.
He's made his bed and now he can lay in it.
Who give a shiney shite if HE says it's your fault or HE can't see his kids all the time.
He could have if he'd have kept his dirty mind off of other women and kept his dick in his pants instead of photographing it and sending out in the ether and focus on his family.
But nope - he did not.
You need to stop thinking like you are.
Stop listening to his whining.
He gets set days. End of.
And no the kids cannot stay in a house full of potheads!

I have a feeling he's EA and you probably need some help coping with all his crappy ways.
Contact Womens Aid and ask to enrol on their Freedom Programme.
This will do the world of good.

Sorry DS pressed post before I finished the message
If you're ever feeling weak just think about how he would act if you did that to him.
I doubt he'd be so lenient with you.
And try to imagine yourself doing that to him...how does that make you feel?

The more I look into hysterical bonding I know I am being an idiot. I am going to put my foot down and tell him set days or nothing. I am going to go out when he has contact at mine as I don't want to put myself in a situation where I will cave.

Great first steps sheri
Just make sure you stick to them.
When things are a bit more settled start taking the next steps.
Well done.
Keep posting if you start to wobble.

op regarding the issue on contact.

You have to look at all the factors. Why do you want him to have both weekend night? Wouldn't you want to dirnd some time with them at weekend too?

Where will they be staying? Who will be there? What time will he finish work? You both have to work together and this is where you need to dig deep and find your maturity. Contact time is about him and your DC seeing each other. Nothing else.

Is he on a rolling rota? Do his shifts change? There is more to sorting this mess out that demanding he has the fri and sat night.

What about one night in week and one night at weekend? Baby is still tiny so do you want him staying out?

Tbh it sounds as if you want him staying in all weekend and if he says no your using the 'you can't see the kids card'

Your children need stability, particularly the 4 year old who is having to adjust to a new sibling. You can't keep this situation going- you need to decide one way or the other. Sounds like you're leaning towards permanent separation.

I don't think I could ever forgive what has been done to you- it's a betrayal when you were at your most vulnerable. He's violated your trust and the trust of your DC. He won't even look for a new job. There's really nothing there to build a relationship on again, IMO.

You're being very courageous OP, for you.

Sorry I've just seen you said days not nights.

You really need to look at his Rota op if he is as great as you say he was he will be bending over trying solve this with you.

Some times contact might be on school days which is normal for other NRP. You just have to try make it work.

Neither of them will be staying with him for the night as he can't have them overnight as he lives with drugs. He is saying he wants two days a week. Which eldest one is at school 2 days. So he could have whichever days. He sets his own shifts as he's in charge of the Rota. But because they ask him to cover unpaid he will go in on days off and then expect to come on a night to see them. Which by the time he finishes its either 6pm or 8pm. When they both are in bed by 7.30.

He lives with drugs??

I'd ask him to pick two days he can see them and try to cement them in. It may end up one of the days your eldest is in school.

The main priority is your DC. So both of you will need to be flexible.

I wouldn't have him coming in the evening.

He lives in a house with his 3 friends who all smoke weed and regularly take cocaine. I don't particularly mind if he has set days which days they are he just can't keep changing them. Last min not coming cause he has to work and expect me to just swap it for another. I don't know what happened to him. But I won't have my eldest excited he's coming to keep changing it. He just doesn't seem to accept that I can't stay in every day in case he decides to see them.

No I agree that's not fair.

Why don't you go through the courts if he won't commit to dates.

Sometimes the threat of thst is enough

And he needs to grow up. Living where he is is not good. I take it he takes it too?