Can you fall back in love? Has anyone re-ignited the spark even when it seemed impossible?

[serialangstyposter]

Ive posted throughout the breakdown (or not) of my relationship (still together).

Sorry to start another thread, I tried posting on an old thread but no response. I also feel more anonymous name changing. Im asking different questions so it's hopefully not a waste of time. Sorry it's so long!

I think a summary would be that MN suggests my relationship has been controlling. I can't figure how much that is true, how much has been about my personality. What I do know thanks to several months of agonising is what I want my relationship to be like, how I want to be as a person. I am less scared of the splitting up process.

This is a massive leap from when I first posted and things have been much better for a while. However I am finding it difficult to find joy in the relationship again.

I thought my depression was causing problems. I am talking ADs. But a mental health professional who I feel listened very well suggests I'm not randomly depressed, it's a response to needing to work on the relationship.

I want things to work. We have children. I am not happy about anything, I don't feel like DH makes me unhappy. He is wonderful in many ways. I don't feel like I'd be happier alone.

Do we need to work on classic reconnecting things. A morning kiss, time alone, etc. No idea what else to do.

DH is devastated that I am so undecided about my feelings. He has no questions at all about wanting to be with me. I cannot give him any assurances about the future or my feelings.

Am I being dreadfully unfair to him keeping him hanging on? Letting him feel unloved? He is so sad.

Any advice in getting back on track welcome. Has anyone felt utterly miserable and found the spark/joy/love again?

We are open to counselling (not Relate - one failed attempt that I posted about) but we do not have any babysitters. We could pay for childcare but it would make it an expensive process.
Not ruled out but realistically not possible just now.

"I think a summary would be that MN suggests my relationship has been controlling. I can't figure how much that is true, how much has been about my personality"

Now why did these posters write that because that is not often written without good reason; what has happened in the relationship to date?. In view of that I would also say its not you, its him. Are your taking ADs really a response to wanting to work on the relationship or are you on them because of his ongoing behaviours towards you?.

Re your children what do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning currently from the two of you?.

You can if you both want to and both are willing to work on it.

Kindness and thoughtfulness towards each other can make a massive difference.
Even small acts like making each other a cup of tea, buying something small, giving each other time alone or whatever else you need.

Reconnecting and physical contact is very important so whatever works for you. A morning kiss, a hug, holding hands, massage, playful smack on the bum etc.

Spending time together and doing things even if it's just chatting together with no distractions.

I don't think it can work if there are big things like a controlling personality to deal with. That has to be dealt with first.

iamloved I have tried to say that but probably has got lost in all the talk about what I haven't been unhappy about. I think I could try getting that across more. He has left me in no doubt that the loves me as much as ever.

Atilla I included that line because I didn't want to misrepresent things or waste the time posters have taken in other threads. I have not ignored that advice. There have been elements of anger and being overbearing. I have lived a number of years ignoring what I want - including in some very significant ways. These things have been put right to some extent. But most importantly I feel I know how things should/shouldn't be and won't go back. I hope this sounds sensible.

I have thought a lot about what things are like for the children and want to try and model how it should be.

I think I've got it sorted in my head. I just need mny feelings to catch up!

And I need to get off ADs. I have stumbled into being a big bloody cliché of a pill popping depressed housewife.

iamloved I have tried to say that but probably has got lost in all the talk about what I haven't been unhappy about.
Should have read "what i havent been happy about. I mean the nice bit will have been lost in the negatives which he has heard more.

Shit shit shit. I'm not able to do this. One day of talking about trying and I feel panic return. He wants more than I can give. I am a freak. I'm failing already. My boundaries will mean nothing.

listening here too OP. and on your other thread. if you need to talk, i am in a different time zone and will be up for hours yet.

Just going to answer your Op, I haven't read your old posts

Yes. I realised that we had both fallen into a rut and I stopped being attracted to him. I started seeing him as just someone who was 'there'.

I realised this and took a step back, instead of skipping over things I started realising things. Everything he did I looked at it, little things like ironing my uniform, taking me to work, the smile he gave me when he caught me sat on the loo, how he smelled when I hugged him, how is eyes lit up when he spoke about something he was passonate about... just little things.

That helped. Then we both went on a night out. Just us both, but we got ready separately and met up. There was some anxiety which I found thrilling.

We talked a lot, we both acknowledged what we had fallen in to. Even though it was natural to do so, we didn't want to.

We worked for it. But I've just read back on your posts after typing that and I wonder if there's other issues you need to sort out first?

Thanks Gray. Not helpful of me to post in 2 places at once. I think when I feel better tomorrow your post will be helpful.

Yes, we went through an awful patch for about 2 years nearly 20 years ago. I had severe depression, partly because of our relationship, partly because of other stuff.

DH worked hard and fought to keep our relationship going, I was in no fit state to make any long term decisions. We got there in the end, and our relationship is stronger, better and much more healthy as a result. We had some joint counselling which all though in itself was not that much help, it did give us the tools to communicate better.

I had counselling on my own which was much more useful. It taught me how to find my own identity and take ownership of my own happiness separately from our relationship.

No doubt only you know whether you can see a future together or separately. But I would say it is hard to know what your feelings are when you are depressed, as it can make all your feelings so numb and hard to know what is real.

Sorry if it's not helpful right now OP. I didn't catch your other post. Hope youre okay

My DH could and can be/make me feel he is being controlling. I recognise and understand it, and now know how and when to deal with it. Ironically underneath he is a far from controlling person and I understand why he behaves in that way, like all of us he is far from perfect.

He is however a kind and caring person who would never deliberately cause me emotional pain. Counselling really helped me understand the dynamic of what was going on. I'm naturally a people pleaser, he is not and this can be useful when he sees me giving too much of myself to others but also feels controlling when he tries to 'tell me what I should do'. I now say 'thanks for your opinion but it would be better if I worked out a solution myself'.

I think you need to be clear what changes need to happen for you and be sure that he is willing to take on board changes in the dynamic of your relationship and not just want it to stay the way it has always been.

PPs ideas about the small kind things you can do for each other is spot on. They might seem trivial at first but they real do start making a difference. Plan to do or at at least one nice thing for each other everyday.

Thanks GraysAnalagy and SilverBirch for your replies last night. Have now read and they're useful thanks. I think your issues with depression and your relationship are very relevant Silver, and that your relationship survived 2 years of that. I'll read again at some point.

Good luck whatever you decide to do