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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

am I being unreasonable?

11 replies

Bluebellbeau · 28/04/2016 10:59

So my husband has an highschool sweetheart ex, she was his first love and has said drunkenly years ago that he didn't think he'd ever fully get over her. They haven't had any contact for a long time but have recently reconnected over Facebook. I'm pregnant and he left me his phone to read through the congratulations message he had got since our annoncement. As I was scrolling through I came across a message off this particular ex. I read the thread and it was just catching up type chat (with kisses) then the final message was him asking for her number because he needed to talk... numbers where exchanged and I checked the log and sure enough he called her. When I asked him about it he told me I was being ridiculous and paranoid and he simply needed to talk to her as he was worried about a mutual friend. I'm really upset as I feel he's gone about this in a sneaky way. If it was innocent why difbt he tell me? Why did the call take place after he left the office but before he returned home? And what really upsets me is if his story is true and he is so concerned about this friend, why do I not get the same care? I'm pregnant, I've had previous miscarrage, I'm recovering from a biopsy from a scary breast lump that's been found and I've got so many family and friend issues going on I'm at a very low ebb. Yet he doesn't get so concerned over me and I'm his wife! He barely knows this mutual friend. Any advice or different prospective gratefully recieved! X

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 28/04/2016 11:03

A one off call is not in itself an issue.

But if he is not being that attentive or concerned about you given your history, then that is an issue.

claraschu · 28/04/2016 11:08

I think he let you look through his phone because he had nothing to hide.

If he is truly uncaring to you and not concerned with your health, that is a different problem. I don't think it has anything to do with the ex. Writing some messages he lets you read and making one phone call doesn't seem like he is overly worried about his friend, or overly interested in his ex.

Of course, I don't know, but nothing here seems very worrying except your being upset and at a low ebb. I hope you feel better soon.

shoeaddict83 · 28/04/2016 11:10

i dont know, honestly in your shoes i would probably feel the same and be concerned about a secret phone call and messages he hasnt mentioned to you with someone he has admitted he'll never get over.

Did he tell you who the mutual friend is and what hes concerned enough about to call her with or did he gloss over that story?

As above poster said i would say its an issue that hes concerned about a friend you dont appear to know about, but not concerned about his pregnant wife recovering from a biopsy.

Perhaps sit him down and have a chat before it escalates and eats away at you, could honestly be a very innocent explanation but if so he shouldnt be hiding calls and messages from you which only then make the situation appear suspicious.

Original poster

Bluebellbeau · 28/04/2016 11:30

Thank you all of you. Maybe it's my hormonal tired state and I'm see i g things that aren't there. Yes he does seem to have become very selfish recently which is something we will have to deal with.

Shoeaddict - he glossed over the story and it seemed a bit woolly to me. Some Facebook posts he thought sounded like she was down. I looked at them and they seemed very normal to me - just sharing the usual posts that do the rounds. But there is a huge number of mutual friends he could have called on if he was concerned, some he is much closer to. To me it just seemed like a "way in". To me if it was no big deal he would have just mentioned it but by going about it the way he did does look suspicious. Yeah I'll try and have a talk again but he thinks I'm just a crazy paranoid pregnant person at the moment. Thanks for the support ladies x

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 28/04/2016 11:37

he thinks I'm just a crazy paranoid pregnant person at the moment.

No he doesnt.

He is trying to make you think that you are a crazy paranoid pregnant person. Apparently I was too, until the baby was 5 weeks old and I found his secret phone.

I am not saying that he is cheating on you but I agree that it does sound like a "way in". The sexting H was doing was with an ex GF who just "happened" to get in touch....

Chlobee87 · 28/04/2016 11:49

If it weren't for the drunken "I'll never get over her fully" statement from years ago, would you be suspicious now? I think him saying that has had a huge effect on your relationship.

If you think this is the case, can you just have a really honest conversation with him and explain that this one statement has played on your mind ever since and, although he is claiming to be in touch with her for innocent reasons, it puts a different spin on it for you.

He might be absolutely mortified, have completely forgotten that he ever said it and be able to put your mind at rest. Or he might get defensive and shifty. Either way it should hopefully cast some light. My DH said something similar about his exGF when we very first started dating. He was a bit of a tosser at first and basically just said it to be all dramatic and keep me on my toes. Silly thing to do but we were very young. Is it possible that something similar happened with your OH?

riceuten · 28/04/2016 12:29

I'd be wary and suspicious and I would let my partner know this was the case. It's probably not proceeded down a suspicious path yet, but you have reason for suspicions. He didn't tell you because he thought you would kick off, which was a correct assumption. That said, you have every right to be suspicious.

How he responds long term is probably more of an issue. He should be aware of your needs and feelings in your present state and act accordingly. YANBU

MatrixReloaded · 28/04/2016 12:53

Ringing her in secret pretending to be worried about a friend he hardly knows is a ridiculous excuse.

Original poster

Bluebellbeau · 28/04/2016 13:34

Yes Bogeyface that has crossed my mind. I'm sorry to hear about the secret phone, how horrible for you.

Chlobee yes definitely, if it was anyone else i would have thought nothing of it. I reminded him of what he said and he just batted it off with oh that was years ago and I was drunk. I don't think it was a just off the cuff comment apparently it hit him really hard when it all didn't work out, from what I've heard from his friends who helped him through it.

Yes riceutin, I don't think anything has happened yet but I can't help but wonder if he's testing the waters especially as with all the stuff that's going on we've not been getting on much.

Matrix I agree, I find it hard to believe and is up there with the worst excuses. I feel like it was an opener to get her number and start further dialogue x

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 28/04/2016 13:39

You sound perfectly reasonable and rational to me

I would be very suspicious of that flimsy excuse to reignite escalating contact

coffeeisnectar · 28/04/2016 14:12

I wouldn't believe the excuse he gave. If he was that concerned about this mutual friend then surely he'd contact that person directly and ask if they were ok and if there was anything he could help with?

I agree that it sounds like a pathetic excuse to get in touch with her. I also think he's trying to make you think you are mad and not acting rationally or overreacting. If he had nothing to hide he'd have called her from the house.

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